(Closed) I could use some advice…

• jenilynevette
• 6 years ago

• Wedding: October 2014

Oh, honey. You aren’t the first girl in the world to be marrying a man who’s family wasn’t 100% on board. Did you ask your fiance how he replied to his father? How he replied is all you need to know! If he told father that yes, he was sure – that’s all that matters.

Sometimes you just can’t please everyone [or sometimes anyone!], and you just need to be true to yourself.

I would continue with the family visits and be polite, maybe try to open up at bit more or join in conversation more than you’d like – but certainly don’t act offended, or that you know. Parents sometimes say hurtful things when they are “looking out for their kids”, but your fi is a grown ass man who should be able to tell his parents when he doesn’t want to hear anymore of their nonsense.

• blondie_ems
• 6 years ago

• Wedding: February 2015

Oh that’s no fun a at all. I’m really sorry to hear about your troubles! I can sort of relate; I’m a kiwi and I live in Mexico with my partner who is Mexican and sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) I don’t feel that I can relate – it’s not a language thing as I’m fluent in Spanish but we’re all coming at things from totally different cultures, upbringings etc. My family is just my parents my sister and I, his is huge and they all get together what feels like all the time and I have to go…anyway, this post is not about me so I won’t go on about my traumas, but I know what you’re going through. What may help is to remember that your partner chose you, he loves you, and his parents love him and want the best for him and, in time, they are going to realize that you’re the person who makes him happy. It’s a long process of feeling comfortable with the family though sometimes! When finding common ground I often ask about their memories of my SO when he was a kid; parents love to talk about therir children and it is a fairly safe topic that can ease tension and raise a laugh. It hurts your face but if you can’t contribute to the conversation, smile – and then smile some more. It might even Be an idea the next time you go ( next weekend?) but be extra effusive straight from the get go, explaining that you weren’t well last week etc, and trying to project positivity this time round. It does get better though, and I found that with some work, and after a time, I did develop an okay relationship with everyone! Good luck, and relax!

• MsMeow
• 6 years ago

• Wedding: October 2015

@perlerose:  Oh dear, first, let me give you a big virtual hug! (((HUG))) (be glad it’s a virtual hug, I have the flu right now! lol) 

I agree with  jenilynevette, the only thing that matters is how your soon-to-be Fiance replied to his father’s concerns. You’ll be marrying your Fiance, not his family! If he’s sure, that’s all that matters.

I know how bad it feels when you simply feel small, lost , inadequate and completely out of place, I’ve experiences it before, not in my SO’s family though but in other surroundings and it’s far from pleasant. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing so I barely said anything at all – next thing I know, everyone’s whispering behind my back about how standoffish I am! I think it’s really easy for people to confuse shyness with rudeness. Maybe if your Fiance explained to his father that you’re just shy around his family because they’re so different from your own, plus you had a sore throat and couldn’t say much the last time you were there, it would change the situation? 

I really think you should go to the next family meeting and make a conscious effort to try and talk to everyone more and let them get to know you better. Perhaps your Fiance could also ask his parents and other family members he’s particularly close to to be a little kinder to you because you’re shy around them? I think they should be able to understand that. You’ll be a family member soon and I’m sure that once they know for sure your Fiance won’t be changing his mind about marrying you they’ll be interested in building a good relationship with you too. 

As for looks, I’m not tall either, just 157cm, in fact. But guess what? I’m about the same height as Eva Longoria and Reese Whiterspoon and look how gorgeous, famous and good at their jobs they are! As for not being particularly pretty – come on! We all have days when we feel that we look like dog’s breakfast but I bet if you asked your soon-to-be Fiance he’d say you’re the most beautiful woman in the world. 

Just believe in yourself and the relationship you and your Fiance have built. It will all be well. Keeping fingers crossed for you! 🙂

• fascinated
• 6 years ago

Many parents have some reservations about the person that their child is marrying.  (Because deep down nobody is really good enough for their child).  When marriage is imminent, I don’t think it’s too unusual for parents to voice those concerns to their children just to make sure they’ve thought of the ‘negatives’ and are sure they’re making the right choice.  

What is your SO’s response to his family?  Does he defend you?  Does he just quietly listen?  Does he tell them to stop? Tell them that visits will be fewer and fewer as long as they insult you? Does he tell them that he doesn’t want to hear more about how they think you should look in order to fit into the family? 
“Look dad, perlerose is trying.  There are language differences, there are cultural (farm vs city) differences, she’s just a quieter person, and you don’t make it easy making repeated comments about her weight.  I love her, just accept her for who she is or if it comes up again we’ll just leave so that she won’t have to be put in that uncomfortable situation. If that happens, it won’t be her fault, or my fault for bringing it up – but yours.”    

If that doesn’t stop the behavior, I’d warn the SO that the next time it happens I’d really make a scene about it:   “Look, I hate to humiliate you by drawing attention to this discussion in the middle of cousin Julie’s birthday party.  But asking nicely for you to stop making comments hasn’t worked and this is getting old.  Maybe embarassing you will put an end to these comments. I know I’m not as pretty and skinny as the rest of the family, so does everyone else in the family.  You’ve repeatedly made that clear.  I’m not stupid.  I hear you. I get it.  You’ve made your point so continuing to harp at this is cruel and unnecessary.  SO is aware of what you think about this as well, but thankfully, somehow you’ve raised a son who is not as shallow as you seem to be.  Please stop making these comments.”

They do seem to be willing to support the marriage by paying towards it. So maybe they’re not as negative towards you as you believe? Sometimes if we aren’t happy with ourselves when someone else points out what we dislike about ourselves, it’s particularly painful. 

Do think carefully about whether you want to allow them the ‘control’ that comes with financing the  wedding if they’re already kind of overbearing.  That’s a double edged sword, it could go either way if you decide to pay for and have the event you want.  They could learn then need to back off and let the two of you function as your own family making their own decisions, or they could blame someone(probably you, not their son) for not having a wedding up to their standards. 

Hopefully you and SO can decide the best way to shut down their hurtful opinions.

• MOHlookingForIdeas
• 6 years ago

I know it really sucks to feel that way (my in-laws can be… trying… at times), but you have to think of it from the perspective of the parents. Wouldn’t you want to make sure your child was 100% invested into the idea of marriage? If it were your child, wouldn’t you want to confirm that this really was the person they could spend the rest of your life with? It’s especially hard if they’re not doing it tactfully, but it could just be that they’re trying to watch out for their son and they have nothing personal against you (ie. anyone marrying their son would be treated the same).

While it’s good to set boundaries early in a relationship when it comes to in-laws, it’s also important for them to like you (if Fiance wants them in his life, of course). As much as it sucks, you do sometimes have to force yourself to be the polite and obliging daughter-in-law and jump through a few hoops so they feel good about their son’s choice.  

As much as most of us say we’d love and support anyone our kid chooses, the reality isn’t always as fast as we’d like. You’re joining their family too. Your Fiance needed time to get to know you and fall in love with you, and his parents need that – and the opportunity – too.

• SomedayHisBride
• 6 years ago

Yikes. I can definitely empathize…let’s just say I’ve had a few “incidents” with my future FI’s psychotic sister. My best advice is: if you really love him, dealing with his crazy family will be worth getting to be with him. Hopefully your relationship with them will improve in the future, but there’s a chance that things will always be difficult. -hugs-

• beemyname
• 6 years ago

I must say that I do not agree with post #6. Do not embarrass him or try to make a scene. 1. It is what fueled his father’s objection. 2. It’s immature & in poor taste. 3. It will add validity to the concerns laid forth.

• Imhishesmine
• 6 years ago

@beemyname:  I agree with this.  If you are unpleasant it will only eiforce his father’s opinion of you.  Rise above it.

• Nijntje
• 6 years ago

• Wedding: September 2016

@perlerose:  

I agree with beemyname and Imhishesmine, making a scene is a very bad idea.

I think the best thing you can do is to talk in private with the father. Just tell him that you are going to marry his son and that you will be part of the family, and it will be easier for everyone if he just learn to accept you as you are. You are marrying his son, not him so he has no right to critique you in this way. Just remain respectfull, even if he is not. Good luck!

• Wild_Treck
• 6 years ago

Yeah, I can relate. My Boyfriend or Best Friend recently told his father that we’re planning to get engaged. His father’s response? “Make sure you’re not rushing into anything.” … We’ve been dating six years.

• babycuddlebee
• 6 years ago

All parents ask their kids if they are sure about the person they will marry.

You could view the fact that the dad is paying for the wedding as a compliment. It means: if his son is sure about you he endorses it.. and he also gets to invite who he wants 😉

• Ap2010
• 6 years ago

When my mom was first dating my dad, my dads mom didn’t like her, and my dads mom and my mom started to bond when my sister and I were born. It will get better over time. Hang in there.