Post # 1
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
Please help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like an idiot for bringing myself to this stage of life… and I’m very sorry if it’s very long… please skip to the 3rd paragraph to know what really happened…
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and just got “married” for 2 months… I quote married because we’re not legally married yet. We had an official Chinese tea ceremony, and all my relatives and friends knew that I’m “married” to him, but by law we’re not husband and wife yet…. Anyway, over the course of 6 years of dating, he has called me all sorts of names, gets mad at me for every little thing that I do. He is bipolar and OCD… so that explains it… Whenever he gets mad at me for a long period of times even though I kept apologizing to him, he would resort to name calling, and say mean things to me. I can’t take those kinds of abuse so I would tell him that I can’t take it anymore, don’t wanna be treated like that by him, and that I want to break up… Every time I want to break up he would keep calling my phone, apologizing, giving me endless promises that he will change and not lose his temper so easily and not call me names anymore. Anyway, during our 5th & 6th year, I could see his improvement and thought that he really changed… he stopped calling me names, he was willing to let go of my small mistakes here and there and moved on. I admit I’m careless, forgetful and always make little mistakes here and there, that’s why he always gets mad at me for being an idiot. I promised that I will change my carelessness and be a better person but apparently I keep on making the mistakes here and there!!!
Anyway, our 6th year of being together was great, we didn’t have a lot of problems and he didn’t lose his temper easily towards me. I could see that he really did change… so we decided to get ‘married’ and told everyone of our friends and relatives. I moved into his house with his parents after our “marriage” and it’s been 2 months after our ”marriage” that I did something very stupid. Again, I quote marriage/married because we’re not legally married yet… Anyway… I did something very very stupid that I wished I could turn back in time and not make that mistake. I lied to him. His dad (my “FIL”) wanted to give my bro a present and I was supposed to give it to my bro when I go home to visit my parents. I forgot to deliver the present and decided to lie to my ‘husband’ saying that I did. I lied because I was afraid he would yell and get mad at me for “not being competent/reliable” so I decided to lie thinking that I could give the present to my bro next time. He found out. He was very upset. He said he couldn’t forgive me for lying to him like that. 2 months into our marriage and it’s been a living hell. He would use that excuse for getting mad at everything I do. I forgot to refill our drinking water? I would get yelled at by him. Forgot to clean the carpet? Got lectured by him. I got a gift card from my workplace and I told him about it. He got mad at me because “I didn’t offer to use the gift card with him”. Previously when he got free gift cards, he would ask me what I wanna buy with his gift card and all that, but when I received my own gift card, I “didn’t offer” to do the same so he was pissed and said I didn’t reciprocate and I’m not thoughtful enough… Another problem: On Valentine’s Day (yesterday), I accidentally dropped food on my PJ. He told me to change my clothes and said I ruined our Valentine’s Day. I cried and cried, kept apologizing to him but he just wouldn’t forgive me. So our first Valentine’s Day as a ‘married couple’ was ruined by me- again. The next day when we woke up he was still mad so I went to work without talking to him. He texted me saying he will ruin our marriage if I keep it up and ignore him like that. I got pissed at him for using our marriage as a threat so I told him “F*** You”. He got super pissed and texted me telling me to pack my stuff and leave. He said even if I keep apologizing, he will continue to give me problems and make my life miserable for saying “f*** you” to him.
I don’t want my parents or relatives to know about all my problems fearing that they will be very sad if they find out what I’ve been through…. and they will think I’m an idiot for agreeing to marry my husband knowing what kind of a person he already is. He will never change! I want to go back to my parent’s place and just forget about my ‘husband’. Technically we’re not even legally married so I can forget about him and start all over again… but what will my relatives and friends think? I will break my parents hearts if I let them know what I’ve been through….. I’m so stupid for agreeing to ‘marry’ my husband thinking we will have a happy marriage….. I know it was wrong of me for lying to him… I know I shouldn’t have and that I’m an idiot too for making mistakes here and there… but I can’t continue living like this and letting him make my life miserable. Please help me!! What should I do? I’ve thought about commiting suicide… and I’m so depressed after what he has put me through all these years… I don’t know what to do anymore…. please help……
Post # 2
Member
876 posts
Busy bee
Bee, this is NOT a healthy relationship, and you should not be in it. Who cares what anyone thinks? You need to do what’s healthiest and safest for YOU. He is an abusive piece of crap in case you weren’t already aware, and he’s got you thinking that spilling food on your pajamas is a damn cardinal sin. So, yes, leave, leave, leave now.
Post # 3
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
- Wedding: November 2017 - Central Park
My message box is always open for you. Please don’t hurt yourself. Please find someone who will be able to talk with you objectively and healthily about this- a friend, a family member, a counselor, a hotline- find someone who can help. This relationship sounds so hurtful and toxic. Everyone makes mistakes, but they shouldn’t be made to feel how you’re feeling. You are not an idiot. You are a person who deserves to be loved and feel loved. Please be kind to yourself and do what you feel to be safest- if that’s leaving and going home to your parents, then do that. You need to prioritize your health and safety right now and forget anything else. Again, please message me if you need to. Stay safe.
Post # 4
Member
7778 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
You need to pack your things and leave and thank your lucky stars that you aren’t legally tied to him. I’m sure your parents would rather deal with your failed relationship than bury their daughter.
And Bee–everyone makes mistakes from time to time. Everyone.
Post # 5
Member
7239 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Girl, I’d be saying “Fuck you” to him, too. He sounds terrible. Bipolar and OCD or whatever issues he may have, dude is abusive and an asshole. Pack your stuff and move out. You’re better off single than dealing with that treatment. Don’t get back with him.
Tell your family “I picked the wrong man, and gave him the wrong finger.”
Post # 6
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
@jdbc0615: You need to get into therapy ASAP if you are contemplating suicide. That’s number one priority here. I can tell by the way you speak about your mistakes that you are way too hard on yourself, this should be addressed in therapy once those suicidal feeling subside. The good news here is that you are not legally married, go back to your parents. Ok, it may break their heart hearing what you’ve been through but it will break their heart even more if you stay one more day. This man is abusive. You should never be yelled at or called names, and it’s disgusting that he’s doing this for minor mishaps on your part. Also, you lied…ok, this was a white lie, it’s not like you cheated! Please get the heck away from this man ASAP!
Post # 7
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
You lied because you were afraid of his abusive reaction, not because you’re being deceitful.
Please go to your parents’ house. You need to be away from him. Immediately.
Post # 8
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
Your cursing at him is justified considering the kind of names he called you. You snapped after taking what honestly is abuse from him. Any abuse in a relationship calls, at minimum, for counseling, but leaving the relationship is often the right response. This is even more so when you aren’t even married, with the legal entanglements that go with it. This is who he is, there’s no doubt his bipolar disorder contributes to this. Is this something you want to deal with on at least a somewhat regular basis going forward? I wouldn’t.
Like any other relationship that contains abuse, it doesn’t matter what your family thinks. They will be happy that you’re getting out of that situation. If they are family members worth having in your life, they will also provide you some emotional support and some assistance in extricating yourself from this relationship. I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this. Take care of yourself, this isn’t your fault that it’s happening. DO NOT contemplate suicide at this time. Suicide is a last resort for when there is no path forward in life. You have a path forward. You can leave this relationship, stay single for a while, and eventually try to find yourself a more healthy relationship. Life is still worth living, there are brighter days ahead once you’re out of this mess.
Post # 9
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
@jdbc0615: Girl…i’d be saying fuck you to him also.
Please go to your parents house, immediately. You need to get the hell away from this asshole – as he will never ever change…
Post # 10
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
I’m honestly surprised it took you 6 years to say “F*** you” to him. After all that verbal and mental abuse, you deserved to stand up for yourself and he deserved it. I’m so sorry that you are in this situation but it’s not going to get better. He is not going to change. Please know this is not your fault and please do not contemplate suicide – your life is so worthwhile and you have so much to live for!! There is a better life for you out there still, but you really need to leave this relationship. Get into therapy for yourself, get stronger, get your friends and family to support you. People who love you and know what you are going through will rally behind you. You do not need to put up with his behaviour for the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy. Don’t make any more excuses for him. He is not the right person for you and it’s ok to admit you made mistakes because you thought you loved that person, but it is not ok to be treated like crap and be spoken to in such a terrible way no matter what his issues are. No one deserves a lifetime of abuse. Hugs to you!
Post # 11
Member
10299 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
@jdbc0615:
The best possible thing would be to leave, ‘kicked out’ or not. He has YOU blaming yourself and calling YOURSELF stupid, idiot ,wrong etc etc. Your lie was nothing more than a defence against expected abuse. – which happened anyway – and as for your saying ‘fuck you’ , he has said far worse things and done far worse things to you. I don’t doubt the bipolar and ocd and that is bad, but does he take his medication? Is he in therapy? Or it is it his best weapon against you?
Leave, and leave now. And don’t tell him when or where you are going. I would put money on him getting violent once the begging and crocodile tears fail. Make sure they do fail too, or this will be just one more chapter in the book of your life with him . Keep us posted dear OP.
Post # 12
Member
9141 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@jdbc0615: Sweetie! I’m so sad that he has done this to you. Everyone makes mistakes. I drop food on myself all the time. Do you know what my husband does? He offers me a napkin with a smile on his face. A loving smile, not a mocking one, much less speaking meanly or making me feel bad about it. Your beloved should try to make you feel better, not worse, when you make a mistake. And please please please don’t think about killing yourself!!! Why does a mean abusive bully deserve to live and you don’t? Lose him and find yourself. You deserve happiness, bee. You might be sad and embarrassed for a few weeks, maybe a couple months, but then you will feel SO FREE and so relieved. I am sending you strength.
Post # 13
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
He is abusive. He doesn’t treat you the way he does because you’re a liar or not competent or making mistakes. And his OCD or whatever is not an excuse either. He is cruel. And he is 100% abusive.
He has programmed you over the past 6 years to believe you’re at fault for his misbehavior and cruelty.
As an outsider, it’s obvious to me that you need to leave and fully end this relationship because you are being mistreated and abused. However, I recognize that it’s not that simple when you’re actually in it. But I really hope that you’re able to get the help and support you need to leave.
Post # 14
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
Honey, the only thing he said in all this that made sense is: “Pack you stuff and leave”. Please do as he says. That is EXACTLY what yo need to do. Yes, it will make people sad for what you have gone through, etc. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE FOR YOU TO DO THAT MAKES ANY SENSE. This guy is a creep, an asshole, a jerk, and he deserves no woman. He has belittled you and made you miserable for six years and he has just about broken you. FUCK HIM and good riddance. Leave his lousy ass in your past, be thankful you are not legally tied to him, and forge a new life for yourself. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. DO NOT GO BACK TO THIS MAGGOT.
Post # 15
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
You aren’t married, stop calling him your husband or letting him throw your ‘marriage’ in your face. You are not married, so you were just living with a boyfriend and his parents. You have absolutely nothing to do to end this relationship except pack your shit and block his number.