(Closed) I cycle between never wanting to have kids and wanting to have one tomorrow…

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

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MissAnnabelLee:  yes, yes, yes! I mean, I want a family, but I want a similar sex life to what we have now ( I’ve heard from many that it’s difficult esp with young children)  and to be able to pick up and go anytime we want. Obviously, 2016 isn’t our year.. But the clock has officially started ticking. We have also considered adoption through foster care as an alternative to pregnancy. The would come with its own challenges, but I totally understand your concerns! Thanks for starting the thread!!

Post # 3
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

YES YES YES!  I talked to my sister about it who has a 1 year old a few months ago.  She said that if I’m on the fence, then I should do it because one day I might wish I had.  I read an article the other day someone on here posted that said a lot of professional women who chose their career over children wish they had had them.  

Post # 4
Member
6236 posts
Bee Keeper

Yes. I can relate. I’m 38 and get married in June so we’d better crack on if we are going to have a chance!

Post # 5
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

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MissAnnabelLee:  yup, I’ve got baby fever big time (officially not not trying) but I’m wishy washy. Not about kids, I want a kid. I just have the same fears as you. From the responses so far, I’m going to assume its completely normal. 

Post # 6
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Yes! and i’m TTC! Sometimes the idea of children scares me I think nope I don’t want them, so much could go wrong with me, the child, our lives. What if it upset our dog (we love our dog!) the list goes on and on! And every time my AF arrives my heart breaks and I realise how badly I want it. It’s not something you can back out of, once you have a child you have it and it changes you forever. That is terrifying! 

Post # 7
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

I totally get this.  I definitely think it’s all the potential changes (the great unknown!) and the permanence of it that freak me out the most.  And the actual pregnancy/birth part.  But then I see a baby and my heart wins over my brain.

Post # 8
Member
2111 posts
Buzzing bee

This is me 100%

It’s either no I never want one or I want to be pregnant right now.

Not going to try anytime soon but hoping that I make up my mind one way or another and not swing so drastically from wanting to not wanting.

Post # 9
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

This was me 100%. We decided to try for our first on a whim and got pregnant first try. My whole pregnancy I struggled with if it was the right choice, how it would affect the amazing relationship DH and I have and the loss of the life we knew…endless free time, backpacking trips, party nights etc.

Well my daughter was born 3 days ago and as cliche as it sounds life suddenly became 150% better. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love DH but she just fills me with love just looking at her. It’s amazing to see DH with her. My video game loving, life of the party husband is the most attentive wonderful Dad. And we are so much more bonded through this experience.

Post # 10
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Anchor Inn, MD

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MissAnnabelLee:  I definitely have random panics of, “Omg I won’t be able to sleep in if we have a baby” or “We won’t be able to travel like we do with a baby.” My husband has a 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage (we have 50/50 custody) and sometimes I’m like, “Maybe all we need is her — I can be a ‘mom’ and skip the sleepless nights and diapers! And then the weeks we don’t have her my husband and I can enjoy traveling and passionate nights and etc.” Best of both worlds right? But then I see how she so desperately wants to please her actual mother because SHE’S mommy, and how she wants to snuggle her daddy, and I realize as much as I love her and have taken on a motherly role, it’s not the same. We don’t have that unconditional love that a mother and child have and I want that. It’ll be worth it all. I think at some point you just have to jump in with both feet and not overthink it. 

Post # 11
Member
14093 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is me to a T.  Thanks for posting it — it helps me feel less alone!

DH wants a baby so badly, and I honestly could not care less about having children.  I love to travel, I like to spend my money on me, and I care so much about my career.  All of thes things would take a big hit if we were to have a kid. And honestly… I have a pretty poor relationship with my inlaws and I don’t want my kid used as a pawn in that headache.

Post # 12
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I had the same feelings and went for it and am now 2 months pregnant. t was hard for me because most of my close friends  not have kids and I love having my freedom and opportunities to be lazy. but I also love kids and know I want to be a mom and start a family with my husband. I made my husband take me on one last trip and we had a great exciting summer and then decided to ttc. I’m glad we got some of the bucket list stuff out of the way without waiting to try and do everything. I know things will be different when the little one comes but I am excited for all our new adventures as a family.  Good luck to you on your decision making.

Post # 13
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am 8 wks pregnant with a baby that we were trying for and I still have moments of panic just like this. It’s one of those things that you’ll probably never be 100% sure about, so you will have to just decide and go with your decision. 

Post # 14
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

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MissAnnabelLee:  “…or selfishly consider a life free of the commitment having a child would mean”

What concerns me a little is the statement you made, highlighted above. Especially the word ‘selfishly’. Why would you consider a life without children selfish? It’s your life, free to live as you see fit. In my opinion, having a child because you fear what life would be like without, is being selfish. Bringing a child into this world to fulfill a purpose you aren’t sure about, is selfish. Knowing yourself enough to know that you wouldn’t, or don’t want to be, a great mother is definetly an unselfish act. Try exploring your feelings about why you feel a child free life would be selfish. It’s a good angle to get a different perspective 😊

Post # 15
Member
678 posts
Busy bee

I think it’s important to not romanticize having children and to make a list of pros and cons. Can you afford a child? How will it affect your career? Is your husband willing to split childcare 50/50? A supportive SO means PPD is less likely, or so I’ve read. If you are financially stable, your husband is going to change diapers and pitch in as much you, and you make a plan to have time for yourself and date nights with your husband (have a babysitter or relative lined up to take care of the kid), then that would probably alleviate a lot of stress and help you decide if this is something you really want. You also need to be sure you will be okay if your child ends up having special needs, too, because that is always a possiblity. And no, you are not selfish if you decide to not have kids. That makes no logical sense.

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