(Closed) I cycle between never wanting to have kids and wanting to have one tomorrow…

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 16
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I can relate. My stress in not wanting a baby but the unknown of how it will all work out then he or she comes.  I don’t have FMLA and I am self employed.  My SO works but a large part of our income is from me.  Thank goodness we have been saving for the day and months.  I have been lucky business has been good.  I worry can my business survive with me out for a while after giving birth.  I think I just have to make it work.  There is no perfect time, and we always have found a way to make things work out.  So yes I can totally relate.

Post # 17
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Maui

I really want a baby sometimes, but at other times I worry if I’d be a good mom or if I’d have the time and money, and I feel sad I wouldn’t be able to go out or sleep in anymore. But no matter how much I worry about it deep down I still really want one.

Post # 18
Member
1942 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Wow OP……. You pretty much wrote my feelings exactly. 

DH and I are huge travelers, we have the social calendar or Kiley Jenner, and we are really invested in our business and my career. 

We are planning to start TTC after my big 30 in June and the same things you brought up come into my mind constantly. But then I see a baby and I want to steal it and call it my own.

Weirdest mental conflict ever. 

Post # 19
Member
15 posts
Newbee

“Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love 

I love this quote.. I also embodied it. I thought I was going to be the crazy/intense workaholic after law school, and the fact that I started this (second) career later in life meant that a child would be put off until my early 40’s, and would be via adoption (I am adopted as well.) I never had a burning desire to be a mom in my 20’s or early 30’s but thought it would eventually happen, as I did not want to miss out on the experience.  I ended up having my daughter sooner than expected (biologically at that!)

I was on the fence as many of you are, but at 34 and newly married, I just put aside my sh*t and decided to go for it! It proved more difficult than I anticipated, but I gave birth at 36. I went back to work for a while and   then decided to become a sahm. When we started to try again 3 yrs later, it became much more difficult to get pregnant and continues to be an issue.  I am not saying I would for sure un-do anything in my life regarding the timing of my first, or even the fact that we cannot conceive the second…but in hindsight, given the technology now with reproductive endocrinology, I definitely would have frozen my eggs at younger age! This is much more ‘available’ now, and even offered as a benefit at some companies. It seems odd, but I can only give my perspective. If you are unsure, and at an an age where it might be important, consider the freeze!

Post # 20
Member
477 posts
Helper bee

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MissAnnabelLee:  Don’t have much to add to what you and other posters have said, but YES, I feel like this. I alternate between wanting a child within a couple of years and wanting to be alone with my husband forever and child-free. I’m 26, married for almost 8 years, and I’ve felt like this for a couple of years. 

Post # 21
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think it’s 100% normal to feel like this. Anybody who doesn’t hasn’t spend much time really thinking ”having children” through. I mean, yeah it’s hard, yes your body will change, yes you will be underslept etc, but to be honest it’s not THAT hard. I have a 2-month-old little boy and I’ve already lost most of the baby weight.. only 5lbs left to lose.. some nights I get no sleep but some I get up to 7hours.. I mean, I don’t get half as much done during the day, I barely have time to clean and my husband does the cooking, but it’s fine. My little boy is utterly adorable and the biggest blessing.. and I don’t miss my social life at all.. I figure my social life will still be there when my child is older. Ultimately for me the pros heavily outweight the cons. And my relationship with DH is better than ever.. this experience has brought us much closer. If you already spend a lot of time around kids then you know what you’re getting into, which will just make the whole thing easier when it happens. I never spent time around kids so a lot of it has come as a surprise, but I still wouldn’t change a thing 🙂

Post # 22
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee

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MissAnnabelLee:  You just described my life for the last year. You’re not alone! I’m also terrified of being pregnant and losing my nice body :/

Post # 23
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
MissAnnabelLee:  This is me.  One day I can’t wait to have a child of my own, the next I don’t know if I want the responsibility.  I have a ( future) step child and sometimes after a stressful weekend with her I realize a bit more that raising a child is certainly challenging and a huge, life altering commitment.  That scares me.  Child birth scares me.  I also fear PPD.  

For me, as I have gotten older I have become more set in my ways.  I enjoy my routine and my life as is and the idea of changing all of that is frightening, however, I would hate to miss out on motherhood over my fears.

Basically, I wish I didn’t overanalyze things so much.

Post # 24
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think this is totally normal. We’re TTC; I’ve ALWAYS wanted kids. I’m so excited! I still have days where I’m like holy shit this is a crazy, scary thing we’re doing. We have an amazing relationship and I’m terffiied that I’ll loose my husband when we have kids. We talk about this and it’s very unlikely but you never know. I think I read up on this stuff too much. He really wants kids too and I know he will be an amazing dad. 

Post # 25
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I can relate as well! I spend most of my days obsessing about a BFP, but also have those “Can I do it?” moments. 

 

Most recently one of my worries is how tired my arms will be carrying around a baby all day- I might need to hit the gym. 

Post # 26
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

I’m constantly in this cycle. We’ve been TTC for 6 months and got a BFP on New Year’s Day – one of my first reactions was “holy sh*t, can we do this? Is this the right thing? Can I handle being pregnant? How will we travel? How will I manage my busy consulting company (that requires lots of travel)? How will this impact my relationship with DH?” Yup all of those reactions at once. Then, I started spotting sunday night and first thought, “oh no, this isn’t happening.” Full AF showed up this morning. So, 4w4d MC. I’m sad, I’m frustrated, I’m thinking when do we start TTC again?, and yet it still scares the daylights out of me. Emotional rollercoaster for sure. 

Post # 27
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

This is me exactly. I never knew anyone else felt this way. I teeter between “Gosh having kids is terrifying” and “omg I need to be pregnant right now”.

When I think about being pregnant, bringing another life into this world, seeing what our child will look and act like, seeing DH as a father… I just can’t wait to experience all of that.

BUT, when I think about actually sustaining a tiny little life, making sure baby doesn’t get hurt, dealing with tantrums and snotty noses, giving up freedom, giving up the “two of us” stage of our relationship… I’m terrified and think to myself “Maybe a life without ever having kids wouldn’t be so bad”.

Luckily, we won’t be trying for at least another 2 years. We fully agreed to enjoy a few years of married life before having children and I’m 26, he’s 28 so we have time. I hope I figure it out by then! Thank you for posting!

Post # 28
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

You are definitely not alone and seeing all these comments makes me feel better too! I’m glad the bee exists for us all to air our worries. Its hard to talk to friends as they are not wanting kids for years and we are wanting to start TTC after our wedding in July! (Infact if Fiance had it his way we would be TTC like yesterday)

Post # 29
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Same here. My husband and I just got married in September and we know for sure we are not ready for children. For him, he wants to be higher up in his job position before we TTC. For me, it’s more of a “freedom” thing. I enjoy my quiet moments and freedom to spend/shop/eat/etc how I want. I’ll be 26 soon and he’s 28, but I’m kinda okay with waiting until I’m 30 before TTC. 

But then there are times when I’m totally into the idea of pregnant/starting our family. I think part of the reason I get baby fever is because it seems like 85% of my friends are pregnant or has kids already — that influence alone probably plays a role with my baby fever. 

Post # 30
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Tuscany Falls Banquet Hall

I just got married in August 2015 and I always thought that children were not necessarily on the table for me. I just did not have an urge to have them. But after the wedding something changed and I have become more and more interested in the possibility of having children. I have also worked with children (summer camp counselor, preschool teacher) since I was 18 years old (now 28). Because of working with children, the reality of it  is something that I am not sure if I am really all that comfortable with. I like to day dream about it now but do I really want to take that step and start trying? I am just not sure yet. DH is not sure either.  

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