I ddn't know how to handle this friendship anymore

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
249 posts
Helper bee

I personally can’t stand to be around people who say one thing and mean something else. Have you ever talked to her honestly about this behavior? If not I would do so.

It also doubles as a test. If she is a worthwhile friend she will listen to you and adjust her behavior. If she is not, she will get angry with you and cut you off. You don’t need a friend who will be angry with you for expressing your feelings so the problem will take care of itself. 

Post # 3
Member
1654 posts
Bumble bee

You aren’t a professional and do not have tools to handle this. 

I would keep a distance for now. And… if and when she reaches out, and brings up those specific topics… tell her you feel ill-equipped to help her  with these issues and advise her to get professional help. 

You can be her friend  in otherways, but not her therapist ..set boundaries  

Post # 6
Member
937 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@mellybelly: What 
View original reply
@bctoquebec: says is absolutely true. You are not her therapist, and you are not able, nor should you remotely be expected to, endlessly listen to her problems, help her work through them, ask her about them, reassure her etc. etc.

That is placing you not only in the role of therapist, but also in the role of pseudo-intimate partner. It’s a gross violation of your boundaries and the boundaries of your friendship. It’s no wonder you feel resentful and don’t want to phone her.

People who have issues that they have not dealt with and are unwilling to deal with usually have poor boundaries. Their repressed issues and emotions leak out onto the people around them.

You’re her friend. All friends sometimes listen to each other’s problems and provide support, but there is a limit. There should be fun times as well, times of quiet, times for you to talk about yourself, time for it to be about you and about other people too.

You have to set boundaries with people like your friend. Spend less time with her, text her less, phone her less, take longer to reply to her texts. Don’t try to solve her problems, let her sit with them.  Make your visits shorter, or else specifically ask for some quiet or to be able to talk about your life as well. Tell her specifically that you cannot listen to her problems in this level of detail and that you are not equipped to help her resolve them. This may sound harsh, but she has to get the message that you are not at her beck and call, otherwise you are enabling her.

 

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