(Closed) I deleted the 'awful sutation' thread…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2778 posts
Sugar bee

@molly78:  well I was going to post on there. If you trust your fiancé, don’t worry about her. If you find some sort of concrete proof or you’re having doubts in your mind, don’t marry him

Post # 5
Member
8444 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@molly78:  I didn’t read your first post, so this is only based on what has been said here (i.e. I’m making a lot of assumptions, so please correct me if I’m wrong).  Personally, I don’t think it’s good to hide anything for any reason from your soon to be husband.  You should both feel comfortable and confident enough within your relationship to discuss what is going on in your lives.  Definitely take this time to work on your communication skills with each other, it’s not something you want to tackle after you’re married if you can fix it beforehand.  Maybe try a couples’ counseling to work through some of the trust issues.  Best of luck.

Post # 7
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@housebee:  It wasn’t so much about hiding anything…basically some girl e-mailed her saying that her Fiance was cheating on her and slept with his ex on Saturday night. It was a really stupid, nonsensical e-mail, half of it barely made sense. And the OP was WITH her Fiance all night on Saturday. Then it turns out the girl e-mailing actually was the ex, not a friend of the ex – and said ex is crazy. She then changed the story to saying it was on Friday night and went so far as to describe his outfit and such (OP says it sounded like something he owns, she doesn’t know what he was wearing Saturday, he was at work but could hve changed.) Then OP found a receipt showing her Fiance was at a McDonald’s that morning that was near the ex’s house. He says he just stopped at McDonald’s after working all night (he’s a police officer). He also showed her an old e-mail from the ex that she sent trying to get him to go back with her and end things with the OP, and he had shut it down.

 

 

 

Basically there were two sides in the thread – some people feel like the OP should examine his phone and e-mail records and grill him about the details (although in my opinion a lot of them were letting their opinion be clouded by past cheating incidents of their own – like seriously, people were saying ‘Oh, my ex was a cop too and he cheated on me, I bet he’s cheating! because yes, let’s throw someone else’s Fiance who has never given her a reason to doubt him under the bus because your ex cheated on you.) Some people feel like the girl is a psycho stalker and she needs to trust her Fiance. OP, as you can probably tell, I fall into that second group. But I do agree with the counseling suggestion – it seems like you have some trust issues, so sometimes he just doesn’t tell you things because he doesn’t want to worry you – but that’s just going to make you more distrusting. But as far as this specific incident goes, I think you have a crazy ex on your hands, not a cheating Fiance.

 

 

 

And thanks for letting us know what happened to the post, I was wondering.

 

Post # 9
Member
8444 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Wonderstruck:  Ah ok, thank you for clearing that up, I just assumed her Fiance was hiding the fact he was communicating with his ex.

@molly78:  Here’s the thing, for me and my relationship, I like to be completely open.  To me, it’s easier because I always have my best friend’s opinions/view points on the subject.  Not everyone works like this.  If you and your Fiance don’t feel the need to tell each other everything, that’s fine; however, you have to give each other the benefit of the doubt then.  It sounds like he just has a crazy ex (hey everyone makes mistakes), but the reason he doesn’t tell you something is probably going to be very similar to why you might not tell him something.  I think it’s normal to have doubts here and there, you just have to ask yourself if it’s genuinely a gut feeling or not.

Post # 11
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@molly78:  it’s very suspect to me that he refuses to show you all of the emails. If some guy had contacted my fiancé with this type of mess, I would of course immediately show him all emails, phone bills, and communications to show him true truth.

He knows you’re suffering but doesn’t want to show you the truth? Probably because those emails would show he cheated or at least had inappropriate discussions with her and maybe said some of the things she’s claiming he did. Sorry you’re going through this but innocent guys tend to want to freely give you all relevant info. 

Post # 12
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Shkragoldfish:  Or maybe he is just offended that she feels the need to see all that stuff – if it were my Darling Husband I wouldn’t want to show him all of that stuff! It wouldn’t mean I was cheating, it would mean that I was hurt he didn’t trust me enough to just have faith in me and believe I would never do that to him. Oh, and if you read her last update she said that he DID offer to show her his phone records.

Post # 13
Member
7385 posts
Busy Beekeeper

But what is the purpose of the phone records vs. the more telling emails? 

 

that comes off like a total stall tactic. Im all for privacy within a relationship. Im not one of those we need to have passwords to emails & voicemail chics. But in this case i think him being upfront about all coomunications with a particular, so called crazy ex, full disclosure is warrented. Because take away the cheating allegations, I want to know if we got a Glen Close rabbit boiling situation. Knowing exactly what transpired would put my mind at ease.

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@bklynbridetobe:  But the e-mails go back to when he was actually dating the ex – how could reading emails your Fiance sent to his ex when they were in a relationship possibly be at all helpful? I’m sure it would only make her feel more insecure – I don’t want to know what my Darling Husband said to his ex-FI in private before we were dating! As for the e-mails past that point, he has already shown her some of them, and she doesn’t feel the need to see more. I really don’t get why everyone seems to want to believe her Fiance is cheating on her. She said that deep down she knows he is a good man and that he wouldn’t do this – that is what’s important here.

Post # 15
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’ve only read this post, I didn’t get to see your other one. But I have gone through a very similar situation – I think? Fiance has a long past, with many girls – and here I am, him being the only “meet the parents” kinda boyfriend I’ve had and him being the only person I’ve slept with (to give you an idea of the dynamics) Anyway, he has a crazy ex who wouldn’t leave us alone, and there were many rumours going around in the beginning. At this time, I was aware of what he was like and I wasn’t there for too much, I just enjoyed his company and thought we might be together for a while (I never really saw us getting MARRIED because I had just finished high school) anyway, fastforward three years – obviously with his past and my lack of past there have been issues – primarily me thinking I’m not good enough or slutty enough or skinny enough, like his previous partners had been. At the end of last year he became close friends with a girl at his work (not unusual, he is mainly friends with girls, and I know them all and enjoy their company too, usually we hang out as a big group – they’re like on the guys!) this new girl however, gave me a funny vibe. She just didn’t seem genuine, and I felt uncomfortable, as though I was the third wheel when they were around. Fiance, being the lovely guy he is, talked to her very friendly like via messages and facebook, but she began using phrases like “babe” and saying he was the nicest guy she’d ever met and why was he being so nice to her. 

This naturally all got me very upset, but in the end -finally to my point! I trust him, despite his past, he has always treated me as nothing but a princess, and he is not the type to just propose or get married, or live together for 3 years “to keep up appearances”. The way he treats me makes me like a giggly school girl, I am so spoilt not just by gifts but by his thoughtfulness. I think being alone (as you mentioned in one of your comments) makes it harder, I am at home a lot because I work a split shift part time and go to uni. He works full time, and this girl is there 2-3 times a week. Being alone brings out the worst possible thoughts. But if you’re ready to marry this man then do it – if you feel that he is telling the truth, then believe him. Intuition is an amazing thing, and while you do need to use your head as well, I think we have intuition for a reason, it is our natural instict of what is good and bad – your body/mind would be telling you if this was not the right thing. I think, with my Fiance, if I truly believed something bad had gone on between them then I don’t think I could be intimate with him anymore – but that is just me. 

Apologies for the long post, but I felt like it was important to share my story in order to support my thoughts. Good luck, and all the best with whatever decision you make! Whatever it is, make it for you. Not because you “always said if a guy did this to you then you’d leave him”, or to keep up appearances of a happy couple. THis is your life. Make your decisions for you! Feel free to PM me if you wanna chat more. xx

Post # 16
Member
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@molly78:  Honestly, I think he’s right. She is in his past (much to her dismay) and it wouldn’t have been helpful for him to tell you she showed up at his work. The only “ex” I’ve discussed in detail with my SO is a good friend. We met on a dating site but decided to be friends before we ever went on a first date. I have been very clear about the arch of our friendship so SO knows he has nothing to worry about. I got texts from TWO exes at Christmas and never mentioned a word to SO. No need. It could have been spam messages for all I cared. 

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