(Closed) I did something bad, but did he do something worse?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

vwilson:  Your intuition told you that something was wrong. You are allowing his potential reaction to you snooping to make yourself feel guilty- you should not. If there was nothing to find and had something not been bothering you, you wouldn’t have looked. Now that you did and know that something is going on you have to put the guilt aside and figure out how you will handle this.

I would definitely wait until he is coherent to discuss your feelings and your subsequent findings, but you definitely cant let him get away with this. Dont let him guilt you about looking at his phone when he was the one doing wrong.

 

Post # 4
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

vwilson:  I’m sure it’s going to be tough as he will be irritable coming out of surgery so maybe wait until tomorrow and see how he’s feeling to bring up the topic. It’s definitely not cool. And I’ll be honest, if I found stuff like that on my guy’s searches, I’d be long gone. I have a zero tolerance policy to bullshit like that…because there’s no way it was just an “innocent” search. 

Post # 5
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

vwilson:  is he partaking in these? responding or putting out ads of his own? thats when it’s detrimental. Right now what has happened is fixable with a conversation or two. “Look, I did this and found this and I’m really uncomfortable, care to explain?” Don’t let him turn it around, you admitted you were wrong, apologize then ask for an answer. He is your husband, open door, open email, open phone, there should be an open everything with this man. Don’t let him forget it.

Post # 6
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Deep breathes. Just cool down before approaching your hubby about it. 

when he’s home and out of hospital / feeling better talk it through with him. You are not in the wrong here, explain you turned his phone on and looked at the history and tell him what you found and how it made you feel. 

Sure, he’ll squirm and be uncomfortable but he’s made you feel just as bad and so you deserve a decent explanation and an apology. 

Men are real simple creatures when it comes to sex, unfortunately. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m sure it’s just a bit of silliness on his part. 

good luck. X

Post # 7
Member
4857 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would leave print outs of the ads for him to wake up to and be gone before the anesthetic wears of personally. 

Post # 9
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

sounds like he’s treating these kinda like porn (assuming he is not responding to the ads), and unless you’ve explicitly told him you don’t want him looking at that kind of thing and he has agreed, its not really fair of you to get mad at him. On another note – he knows about the “clear history” function on his phone right? maybe use it next time?

Post # 10
Member
557 posts
Busy bee

I would be careful with those assumptions. Yes, it looks bad, BUT he even showed you some Craigslist ads two weeks ago and told you how funny it is. Sometimes, when I’m bored, I also do the weirdest searches. I remember that a while ago I also checked out Craigslist and seriously clicked on almost ALL categories- Hobbies, For sale, for rent, guy looking for girl, girl looking for girls, casual encounters etc. Yes, I was super bored, haha. I was just interested to see what kind of weird people are on there and it entertained me for a while, nothing more. 

If you have always trusted him and he never gave you reason to doubt him, I would let it go for a while. If you ask him about it now, chances are he will lie about it IF he really has something to hide. I would wait a while and keep an open eye and open mind, and if you really think you have reason to worry I would even check his phone again in a week or so to see if he maybe even answered one of those ads. Yes, it’s bad bla bla, but seriously, but it’s not like you’re just snooping around for fun. 

Post # 12
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

vwilson:  When he’s ready to talk (after surgery) bring it up. Two weeks of searches is not a joke so don’t let him try to tell you that. It’s super skeevy and I feel for ya. Good luck and I hope it all works out.

Post # 13
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

“But the looking is what is concerning me, like why are you looking am I not good enough?”

you cant tell me you’ve never been excited by looking at a really good looking guy (tv shows, magazines, whatever). You also mentioned it was really “innapropriate” posts – he might be really into this sort of thing, and can’t tell you about it because he worries what you’ll think of him.

If every man who’s girlfriend/wife read 50 shades of grey wondered if they “weren’t good enough” there would be a lot of devastated guys out there.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
557 posts
Busy bee

Okay, I just read that you’re sure he’s not answering them and that he’s even looking at ads far away from your area- Sorry, but then I don’t get your problem. Probably he doesn’t even use them as porn, I mean it’s an AD, nothing more! I don’t know any guy who would prefer reading an ad over watching porn. Probably your guy is just curious like me and found those ads funny to read. And even if he used them as porn, what’s the problem? He’s not cheating on you and I guarantee you, 99% of men look at porn at least once in a while.

Post # 15
Member
5224 posts
Bee Keeper

vwilson:  If he isn’t actually responding to the ads, could he be using it like porn? I’d talk to him before having a knee jerk reaction. It’s inappropriate, but he may not realize how hurtful it is to you. I’d be more concerned if thete was actual contact, or he was looking up women in your area.

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