(Closed) “I didn’t have that, why do you need it??”

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

my mom does this too. She has been married 3 times and reminds me all the time that none of her weddings costed over $300, and she also says stuff like “You think you are too good for a $300 wedding?” I have told her, yes I do! She isn’t even paying for the wedding so that is what makes me irritated with her. She acts like we are spending $100,000 but our entire budget is $5,000, so its not that bad. She does it with other stuff, too, like she didn’t send out save the dates so why should I?

It gets aggravating, so I have tried to stop telling about the wedding plans.. Its hard but there isn’t near as much stress now.

Im sorry this is happening to you too though!!

Post # 4
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I noticed my future Mother-In-Law doing this before we had set a date for a wedding. When we were going through ideas she was insistent about a budget. Not to mention, she had exhibited the type of ” I paid, so you do what I say” behavior before. Even my own mother cringes when I tell her what we are paying for certain things, and she isnt paying at all. I think it’s just natural parental behavior, especially since a wedding is significant to them, as they will no longer have the influence that they used to, so it is thier last “hurrah” so to speak.

Seeing that behaviour, I decided that we would pay for our wedding ourselves. My Fiance see’s no harm in asking her for money to our wedding but I insist, politely, that she not pay for anything other than her plane ticket.

In your situation, since you all sat down together to work out a budget, it may be acceptable to take your mom out to lunch one day and discuss with her that you understand her concerns, however, you were responsible and set out a budget, and the things you want are within the boundaries of that budget. It’s never comfortable to have those conversations, but sometimes it definately helps.

Post # 6
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

yeah I am an only child too so I know what you mean. We still fight sometimes, but it is a little better now. I get frustrated but I just walk away instead of fighting. I know on my wedding day everyone will be asking me how I want this & that & I will have the final say on everything. 

I think my mom gets mad that I talk my Future Mother-In-Law & Future Sister-In-Law (who is also my MOH) more about wedding stuff than I do with her, but they don’t try to talk me into stuff or pressure me into doing it the “cheap” way like she does.

I hear that all the time, about so & so gave me this so i didn’t have to buy it, or they made me this & it was free. Its like, I can’t have new stuff that I want for my wedding, she wants me to use old stuff that she found on craigslist or at a yard sale. I am all for saving money especially since I am still in college, but there is a line you don’t cross.. & a wedding day is supposed to be special!! I agree I will definitely have my hair & makeup professionally done that day.  Merle Norman does a trial run a few weeks before & day of makeup for like $25 around here, & that is NOT expensive at all, at least in my opinion. lol

Post # 7
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Ive been engaged for 3 weeks and I cant tell you how many times I’ve heard “why do you want to do food and drinks at the reception, when we got married (30 & 50 years ago) all we had was cake and punch at the church.”  My parents and grandparents think I’m just going way over the top and all I simply want is cocktails and appetizers (which this day in age is nothing).  Oh and I showed my grandmother a picture of the cake I want and her reaction is “thats not a wedding cake”  I’m starting to get sick of their comments about the budget and that i should do it how they did it (50 years ago.) 

OP, thanks for bringing this topic up.  We all feel the same way.  I’m starting to get sick of “advice.”

Post # 9
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I feel your pain, my Mother keeps saying my e-ring is HUGE (it is by no means huge but a nice size lol) and asks me if I want to see the one that my father gave her when they first got engaged….it makes me feel terrible and very self consious over my ring….so All I can say is just brush it off, those were different times and you do not NEED it but are able to have the things that you want as you are probably in a different place than she was and you also are not your mother. Sometimes mothers are often more honest than they need to be, maybe you can tell your father about it (this is what I do and he addresses the situation as to not cause any more fights with her and I)

Post # 10
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

My mom is tirelessly giving and selfless so it hasn’t happened to me, but the MOB in a wedding I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in was just like that. She and the bride are also extremely close. Sorry you’re going through this but maybe you could go to lunch and just bring up these feelings you have that sometimes you feel like her comments are chipping away at your excitement and that if she has something she wants to tell you about money or your choices she can be as direct as she wants, without making you feel guilty. It sounds like you two have a close enough relationship where you should be able to talk about it, no?

Post # 11
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@akp0702  If i didn’t know better, i’d swear we were sisters! I love my mother to death, but things have changed in 30 years since it was her day! I’m actually going over to her house tonight to talk about our time line and to do list…. wine will be needed!

Post # 12
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MrsDrRose612:  I can sort of relate. In one sense I’m annoyed because she wants to go waaaaay over budget on stuff that doesn’t matter to me, but shes INSISTS on these wedding traditions that “people expect to see at a wedding.”

Guy who catches the garter PUTTING IT ON THE LEG of the girl who catches the bouquet?!?!? Do you not see how that could go horribly wrong?! Not happening Mom…sorry!

Post # 13
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Another thing I’m starting to see (i’m sure others have to) is that my family is from the south.  Born and raised, all baptists, just good ol’ southern people.  My Fiance and his family are all from New York, their all catholic.  So you can imagine two completely different sets of people.  Its been very interesting when my Future Mother-In-Law comes to me with, yall should do this or that at the wedding because its tradition and I give her this blank stare because I have no clue what she’s talking about.  I have no problem incorporating a few traditions (my Fiance is pretty much on my side when it comes to what traditions we want at the wedding.)  Its just kindof awkward because she keeps bringing all this stuff up and I don’t feel comfortable with some of these religious traditions.

Post # 14
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with Miss Carnival and akp0702, my mom got married in, I think ’81, and so much has changed since then. She wants to do streamers and paper tablecloths, rice, the line dances, the flower girl, bridesmaids, the garter, the whole to-do.  Fact of the matter is, I think alot of it is rather tacky and outdated.

 

Post # 15
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My dad and I have this debate before we have to make any big decision about our wedding. They got married in 1980 and had a cheap church wedding with a pot-luck reception after at the church. They even had the rehearsal dinner at my mom’s parents house and that was pot luck as well.

My dad seems to think that this is the best route for us to go and fights us every step of the way with money. My mom always has to convince him to just go along with it. I think she described it best: “Weddings are not what they were back when we got married. Weddings are now productions.”

 So true no matter how much it sucks to admit.

Post # 16
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think alot of moms (and dads) forget that things have changed drastically in the 20-30 years since they’ve gotten married. Trends change (for instance, my mom had powder pink puff sleeved bm gowns and a power blue & pink tissue paper parisol in her pics), inflation drives the price up, etc. She and my dad had a big church wedding and a potluck reception in the woods afterwards. The exact opposite of what I wanted/had. She said on serveral occasions that the things I wanted were a waste of time and money, and had a very hard time wrapping her head around our different wedding wishes.

My mom nagged at me over quite a few things budget related except when it came to my ring. She is truely in the “the more diamonds the better” camp and was disappointed when I wanted a plain solid gold wedding band.

 

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