(Closed) I Didn't Like My Proposal. Anyone Else Feel The Same?

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 17
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@abirdword:  If you’re still finding this disappointing, check out the waiting boards where women are dying to get any proposal at all – This +100000000 I’m a waiting bee and I would be 100% happy to have my guy porpose in any way he likes.. its not the proposal that matters its the fact that he wants to spend his life with me!! 

Post # 20
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

At least he proposed. It may not have been a big screen moment, but it was still a moment nonetheless. I do however, agree with everyone saying ouch to the “she kept asking” comment. Let him know this upsets you. If you get married with this still bottled up, it won’t be healthy for the relationship at all.

Post # 21
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I understand how you feel. I get asked the same question. A friend of mine got this elaborate engagement store based on a trip to Greece. I will be forever jealous. I thought I would get a romantic yet sensible engagement but I didnt get that. I was told to pick out 3 rings I’d like and he would decide which one he thinks fits me most….that was nice. Then he got the ring and held onto it because my father was very ill and in ICU for 2 weeks and in a rehab for 4. I am glad for that; I didnt want a sad time in my life to ruin a happy one. We went apple picking in late october and I thought that would be the day….but it didn’t happen for reasons still unknown to me. With school, work and the holidays just around the corner….he just sat next to me on the bed, started to tear up, told me he loved me very much and asked me to marry him. It wasn’t what I expected it to be, but we are making up for it with the wedding lol. I am just happy my family is healthy and I am getting married to my best friend.

But sometimes I wish he would do it all over again. 🙂

Post # 22
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

That’s rough And if i were in that position i would feel the same way! I think there is nothing wrong with wishing he put a little thought into the proposal. i think he also should have asked your dad since you were up front about that. If that’s how you feel, I would be honest with your fiancé- he has his whole life to make it up to you!! Also, most places will allow you to exchange a ring if you don’t like it. And you will be wearing it a long time, so I really think you should like it. Good luck!!

Post # 23
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t know if I should post this, I’m not sure if it will help OP, BUT I just want you to know that I can relate.

My SO hasn’t yet proposed. But given the type of couple we are, the romantic things he’s done in the past and the conversations we’ve had about it, if he were to propose in that way, I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

He disregarded everything he knew you wanted. He knew it was important to ask your dad (and it doesn’t seem as though he hated the idea). He knew what ring you wanted and could afford it, but disregarded it. He put no thought into it.

AND the kicker is that he made it seems like you nagged him into asking!!!! I would be PISSED. It’s one thing to joke between each other but I think nothing is more inappropriate and horrifying than portraying your SO in a negative light whilst in public. Even if he is “joking” that kind of joke always comes off as the truth with a laugh. 

If this was my SO I would seriously be questioning whether he really loves me. If you know what your SO wants and thinks is important and then completely disregard it – that’s a bad sign. Who does that?

 

Hopefully though he was just super nervous and thought that anything he ever did would never be good enough and just couldn’t wait to ask you. Perhaps he was too nervous to ask your dad?

I’m really sorry if this post doesn’t help you. It’s just honestly how I feel.

 

Post # 24
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@Miss Moxy:  Your proposal is simple but it is sweet and romantic in how much thought he put into it. He wanted to do it at the right time and fill it with meaning, all of which he did. He must have been on the look out all the time for exactly the right moment. 

I bet he didn’t do it apple pickiing because he didn’t want you to feel sweaty and gross when he proposed. 

Post # 25
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Everdeen:  “My SO hasn’t yet proposed. But given the type of couple we are, the romantic things he’s done in the past and the conversations we’ve had about it, if he were to propose in that way, I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

He disregarded everything he knew you wanted. He knew it was important to ask your dad (and it doesn’t seem as though he hated the idea). He knew what ring you wanted and could afford it, but disregarded it. He put no thought into it.

AND the kicker is that he made it seems like you nagged him into asking!!!! I would be PISSED. It’s one thing to joke between each other but I think nothing is more inappropriate and horrifying than portraying your SO in a negative light whilst in public. Even if he is “joking” that kind of joke always comes off as the truth with a laugh. 

If this was my SO I would seriously be questioning whether he really loves me. If you know what your SO wants and thinks is important and then completely disregard it – that’s a bad sign. Who does that?

Exactly.

Post # 26
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@elaina250:  Well, certainly nothing can be done about the situation now, & even bringing it up would probably come across less favorably than you might want it to, so I would let it rest. In the grand scheme, once you are married, it’s much less a big deal. People don’t usually ask married women “so, how’d you get engaged?” lol the story will come up less frequently than you think.

But, honestly if my husband had flubbed the proposal as seriously as it seems your Fiance did (based on your own feelings & recount; not because the story is that bad in my opinion), I would probably be at least a little concerned about 1) how much effort my FI/husband was willing to put into things that were important to me, even if they didn’t matter that much to him & 2) how much he really knew me.

If the rest of your relationship is not at all indicitive of your proposal situation, then I would say to just move on, but if there are other red flags, maybe you should at least give the whole relationship a bit of a mental evaluation (I know, some people will say I’m crazy for suggesting that, but I don’t care).

Post # 27
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@Everdeen:  I agree. My SO proposed at home in a very simple and straightforward manner, but it was still very thoughtful. He knew I didn’t want a big production or anything like that. He proposed on the first day we moved into our new place, and he also took into consideration the fact that we were meeting my family the next day for Christmas dinner and he wanted me to have a ring to show everyone, haha. And the ring he chose was perfect – elegant and simple. He never asked me what I wanted but he chose the right one anyway.

A friend of mine got an “at home” proposal too. And she was really unhappy about it. They had picked out a ring together and the one he got was not it. His excuse was that he didn’t have enough money (and they hadn’t picked out an expensive ring, it was a moissy) but that same year he spent thousands of dollars on his aquarium. And when he proposed, they were staying with his parents, and basically he just put the ring on the kitchen table and waited for her to notice it. While his parents were home. He’s a really nice guy for the most part,  but I think he has a bad habit of taking his SO for granted. Eventually she let him know that she felt hurt by the whole affair, even though she was happy to get married. To his credit, he realized that he’d been an ass.

Anyway, my point is that there’s a difference between being annoyed that your proposal didn’t take place on a yacht in the Mediterranean, and being upset because you feel like your SO didn’t really try to put any thought into the thing whatsover.

And if my SO went around telling people that I had nagged him into proposing, that would be the end for us. While there WAS an element of me wanting to get married sooner than he did, he never even mentions that now, not even in jest. All he ever says is that he’s lucky that I said yes. Smart man. Wink

Post # 28
Member
3256 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@elaina250:  

1) Did he ever express an opinion on this subject?  I wouldn’t call myself a feminist, and I am very traditional, but I would never have conceived of asking for permission from my FI’s father.  She is a grown woman, and this is her choice to make, and hers alone.  This is one of the biggest decisions a person makes in life, and if you need your daddy’s blessing, you aren’t grown up enough to be making it.  I would have considered it disrespectful to my future wife to have asked her father to give permissioin for her to set the course of her own life.

2) Sounds like his sense if humor about this makes you feel that he is glib about it, or at least that people might perceive it that way.  Or they might think you brow beatthis into proposing.  I don’t think he naturally sees your perspective on that, so tell him, and ask him to just say what it was when people asked.  “it was just a simple proposal, at home.”

3) Talk to him about the ring.  Not sure if he didn’t listen to what you said about rings, didn’t understand it, or didn’t agree.  Probably one of the three things.  It might sting when you tell him you don’t like it and want something different, but the longer you go saying nothing, the more it will sting when you do and, if it was me, I’d feel bad if I found out you had been secretly hating it for 15 years but didn’t feel you could tell me.  I’d bePhuket by the lack of trust there.  So tell him, and be sure that he knows it’s just a piece of jewelry you don’t particularly like, and is separate from your feelings about him.

4) It seems like you’re most upset he didn’t know what YOU wanted, reached should have had a good idea if that by that point in the relationship.  But it also sounds like you are more romantic than ge us, and that isn’t going to change.  That’s ok; you don’t have to be equally romantic to one another.  And it is reasonable to be upset that he didn’t read you properly, ono maybe that he should have thought more about what was your style.  BUT, it sounds like what he did was something completely and totally, and naturally HIM, and he is the person you love. So how about you try to look at it him him being him, and asking you in a way that reflects who he is.  You’d have done it differently, but you can’t marry yourself!

On the whole PP’s are right when they say get your priorities straight – and maybe they are and you’re just venting, and other things were also frustrating you when you wrote this – and realize that whom you choose to slend your life with is more important than how it happened when he asked, long after the decision was passively made by both of you.

You want more romance?  Maje sure ge bows that valentines day and anniversaries are important to you, and be really effing blunt about what you like to have happen on those occasions.  Sounds like he won’t get hints, so do what we, men, everywhere always wish women would do: just say directly what it is you want!  After a few years, he will probably start to get it.  And if you want him to come up with surprise plans and random romance on random days, TELL HIM.  Say, “I wish you’d surprise me at work with flowers sometimes. P

I leave you with a phrase I alwgive tell my clients: you cannot control what you’ve done, you can only control what you’re going to do. 

Post # 29
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

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@Duncan:  I totally agree with your viewpoint. Hopefully it helps her.

Post # 30
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

 

@elaina250:  Your proposal sounds much like mine! However it was my birthday, I was sitting on the couch and though I knew the ring was coming (ordered in my size) it came early, and he just appeared from the bedroom with a ring in hand! I LOVE the way he proposed, I think it was so sweet, cute and definitely romantic! 🙂

My Fiance doesn’t say anything like that though, and I would find it a bit stinging for him to do so, but just talk to him and explain its not a nice thing to be saying about you.

My Fiance and I also chose out my set together, so that was not an issue. However I see no problem in upgrading when you get married or at an anniversary, or even getting a wedding set to your liking, and putting the original ring on your right hand when you get married? I have seen others do this, it just looks like they’ve taken the e-ring off in lieu of an elaborate wedding band 🙂

I think some bees are getting their knickers in a knot – this is your life and f your proposal was a day you’ve dreamt about then its natural to be upset when its not what you dreamed. Ride out your frustrations, don’t bottle them!
I watch those “Don’t tell the Bride” kind of shows, and I would be very dissapointed if something i have dreamt of my entire life was planned by someone else (as the proposal has to be) and it was completely and utterly not what I wanted. I think many, many women would be very upset, this is no different depending on how you see a proposal.

Anyhow, thats my 0.02!

Post # 31
Member
6518 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@elaina250:  I think you should just be happy that he proposed. So it wasn’t elaborate enough, he proposed and thats the big picture.

I do however can understnad you being upset that he didn’t ask your father for your hand in marriage. My Fiance told me that he wanted to ask my mom but didn’t because my mom would have spoiled the surprise (So I understand bc my mom would have ruined it immensely) And  my father is not living but he did tell me that if he were alive he would have asked him. :/

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