Post # 1
Our first year of marriage has been peppered with several difficult and sad events. Four months into our marriage, my husband’s father passed away. He was diagnosed with cancer over 10 years ago and had been doing fine but last year it came back in a small spot and then suddenly in January he had trouble getting oxygen into his bloodstream, and so he passed. Then my husband’s cousin passed suddenly. I still don’t know the details. And finally this morning, my husband’s uncle suddenly passed after just last week being diagnosed with cancer. My husband has two boys, my stepsons, that are wonderful but both had difficult times in school. The eldest boy triumphed in his freshman year of high school, dealing with sexual harrassment from a student and bullying from a teacher (horrible, I know!) and the youngest boy had quite a rough ride learning to be responsible with his schoolwork, especially when he was at his mom’s and she didn’t do much to reinforce his studies compared to my husband and I. Last Tuesday I got in a car accident and thankfully all parties involved are fine but holy smokes, what a scare! Air bags went off and all. My car is totalled. It just seems like one horrible thing after the next and I really need to burn some sage in the house to cleanse it or something, and fast! I feel so sad for my husband and his mother who are dealing with so much death in the family. I am trying very hard to be there for him, to take care of him, but I am just at a loss trying to maintain and be go-to person. He seems to be distancing himself and telling other people of important events in his life before he tells me (i.e., though I knew he was planning to soon, he told a mutual friend the day he gave notice at work a couple weeks ago and I found out after the fact, and today I learned of his uncle’s passing via hubby’s Facebook status of all things.) I am having a hard time holding on in these rocky seas and it seems so unfair to us. Where did our newlywed year go? Did we even have a honeymoon phase? 🙁 They say the first year of marriage is the worst or it’s supposed to make you stronger but that just seems like a load of b.s. to me right now, just something trite to say because there isn’t anything else to say to rationalize it, so we say those phrases to make the situation seem not as harsh and make ourselves feel like we’ve helped somehow. Blech. Of course I am doing all I can to be there for him and the boys and so on. This is just my moment here to shake my fists at the Universe and say, “Enough!” I don’t know what to write anymore…just grateful someone out there is listening/reading. If anyone has any concrete advice on how I can reach out to my man I’m all ears. Thanks.
Post # 3
@Cornflakegirl: I am so sorry you’re going through this 🙁 I just wanted to say that your Darling Husband and sons are super lucky to have you becuase honestly, you sound like a wonderful person!
Death in the family is always hard and I’ve noticed the whole distancing side to it with my Darling Husband also – He’s never really been the type to have heart-to-heart moments and the one time we did, he told me that the only reason why he was distancing himself was because he didn’t want to burden me or make me feel as sad as he was. I’m wondering if this is what your Darling Husband could possibly be feeling?
I think giving him time and space is the best option for him to heal. Doing little things such as making his favourite food, getting out a bunch of his favourite movies and lots of cuddles will let him know you’re there whenever he wants to talk and always works wonders 🙂
Big hugs to you OP!
Post # 4
Wow. I’m so sorry. With my Darling Husband, I’m probably the one person with whom he’ll get really emotional, vulnerable. I imagine that your Darling Husband is the same way with you. Maybe he didn’t want to talk to you about those events, because he knew that he might break down and he just wasn’t ready to go there?
Post # 5
Sending lots of ((hugs)), love, and prayers your way.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Sending hugs your way. Your first year of marriage sounds a lot like our engagement year, except that the losses were all on my side of the family, and instead of a car accident we had multiple failed real estate deals. It’s tough when you feel like you just can’t catch a break. Just hang in there, do everything you can to keep the communication lines open, and give it time. The bad news barrage will end eventually.
I know one thing that really helped us was making sure to schedule one-on-one time with each other to stay connected. We felt like life was constantly pulling us in seperate directions as we attended to all of the demands we were under. Having that scheduled alone time to re-connect really helped us find comfort in each other, and gave us uninterrupted time to really talk and listen. I know you may fgeel guilty taking time away from the kids (we certainly did) or feel like you should be doing x, y, and z instead of having couch cuddle time, but scheduling time for your relationship is equally as important as taking care of the kids and attending to family affairs. You have to make your relationship your priority when times get tough. Nourishing it now means that you’ll be recovered enough and ready for yet another hit later.
Post # 7
I feel as though I could have written the sentiment of this post, but with different circumstantial variables. I’m sorry you’re in this position too, and I wish I could offer some good advice, but right now I’m in your husband’s shoes, and I feel tremendous guilt for “dumping” all of these inconveniences on my husband. He even cried last week because he felt so bad that I’ve been having such a bad time. It kills me that he keeps having to be “the strong one.”
My counselor says that roles will be reversed at some point in our marriage, and I don’t know if that’s supposed to help, because it doesn’t. But she did say that I am human, and humans have limitations, and it’s ok to experience them every once in a while. That, I can deal with.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry – those are very difficult things to be dealing with and must be great stressors! Can you take a family vacation somewhere? Even for just a weekend to get away? If not – treat yourself to a mani/pedi or surprise Darling Husband with a nice dinner out. *hugs*
Post # 9
I’m sorry you’re going through all of this right now!! It sounds exhausting. And I will be praying for you (or sending you good thoughts if you don’t believe in prayer).
I do know how you feel. The year before we got engaged, husband and I went through a lot. First he got laid off from work and was unemployed for seven months. Then I was having really bad medical problems that kept me out of work for 3 months. We didn’t have money to pay my medical bills, though luckily at least my insurance was able to cover most of it. But we didn’t have money for rent or our other bills, and we had to take out loans and max out credit cards to live. I was so focused on getting better that maybe I did neglect him a little. Well he started to pull away from me too. And that hurt, and I felt very betrayed.
Honestly, the thing that helped us through it was our faith. In the beginning, I thought we weren’t going to make it. But we had good relationship mentors also to help us talk through our troubles. And we prayed together.
It won’t necessarily be easy. I will keep you both in my thoughts.
Post # 10
Don’t give up on him! You guys are going through SO much and it’s natural to fall into ‘survival mode’. But, communicate with him. Tell him how finding out about his uncle’s passing on FB made you feel (not in a super dramatic way – but in a very matter of fact way). Allow him the space to sort through his feelings on his own – and then make your needs known as well.
I hear what you are saying on the ‘first year’…. the thing is – you guys are journeying through your first year and it’s looking like something totally different than anyone else’s. Try not to focus on what you feel your first year should have been… we didn’t have that ‘honeymoon/newlywed’ first year either and when I finally let go of what I thought it should look like, I realized some of why marriage IS difficult – it’s supporting each other when you don’t really feel like it and when you are each holding on by a string. You WILL get through this, as long as you keep working on it. It won’t always been this difficult, either!!
Post # 11
We’ve had a difficult first 3.5 months of marriage. My house burnt down the night before the wedding and my family had to come live with us for a while. My mom was diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks before the wedding and had to have both of her breasts removed. She now has about 3 dr. appointments and chemo every week and we are the only ones that can take her. We really haven’t had any us time yet.