(Closed) i didn't think it was going to be so hard.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

*hugs* You’re not insane. I definitely understand. I’ve lived with my SO for two years, and aside from all the regular adjustments, and I love him so much, but sometimes I miss being alone. Sometimes, I miss it a lot. Right now he took off from work for the past two months, and probably has another month to go before he goes back to work, so it’s really like ARRRRRGH! But… he is helping out around the house and doing a ton of projects that he hasn’t had time for, and he is really enjoying his vacation, so I can’t complain too much.

It has nothing to do with him… but like you, I enjoy being alone. It’s not the same thing as being lonely. I’m extremely independent, and really enjoy solitude. I enjoy people, too, but I need a lot of “off” time. Some people need that time alone to just recharge. If it becomes problematic, just try to explain that to him. Don’t hide from it or it will just build tension. πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You’re not crazy!  Continue to talk about it and help him understand that it’s nothing personal.  I was an only child for much of my life, and I like my space too.  I really like being alone sometimes.  My husband and I have gotten to the point where we can just be near each other without really talking or interacting.  I still get really annoyed when he looks at the computer over my shoulder and sometimes even if he just asks me what I’m doing, lol.  You’ll be fine.

Post # 5
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@beenonymous765:  You are not insane nor alone in this.  I can’t say that I have been where you are, because I will live with my fiance after the wedding, but I am sure that I and many other brides will/have go through what you are experiencing right now. 

You think you knew the world about someone, but, there is always more to explore, and this is just one part of this ride.There will be things that you love about him that you had no idea of and things that drive you bonkers – he may feel the same way! But it’s best to sit down and talk about what you are feeling right now, see where compromise can fit, and ensure that for both of you, this is something that you want. 

If you want it, work together for it. He could feel just as frustrated as you are…has he mentioned anything to you?  An idea that you could proprose is that one dinner each week, both of you could talk about the ups and downs, what you liked/disliked, emotions….that way, both of you can see where the other side stands right now.

Sorry to hear about your struggles – *HUGE HUG* – You are not insane. You are a person going through a significant change, and sometimes change feels frustrating.

Keep me posted πŸ™‚ Always here to talk!

Post # 6
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

P.S. If you really liked the alone time, tell him that prior to his arrival, that alone time reduced stress, calmed you, etc. Since he didn’t live with you, he didn’t see that sometimes you prefer to keep more to yourself.

Awareness sometimes is all it takes.

Post # 7
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

oh girl!! this is VERY normal..both my so& I had lived with other people, but just like you we like our own space. we have been living together for almost a year now, and we are MUCH better than it was in the beginning. yes, you will still want to kill eachother sometimes, but you figure out what buttons to push/not push/etc.

definitely talk to him though if something is bothering you, you don’t want it to build up tension like the PP said…always communicate!!!

 

hang in there!! you’ll get through it πŸ˜‰

Post # 8
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

When my Fiance and I visit his parents in England, we share his old bedroom, and rooms aren’t very big there. I usually cry at least once every time we visit because I get so frustrated not having my own space.

I think it’s normal to want some time all by yourself at your home. There’s nothing wrong with it. Sometimes it’s how people recharge…. I’m the same way. Once you guys get your own place it’ll be easier.

Post # 9
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I remember even before SO and I moved in together a couple years ago, when we were still long distance, I would feel terrible for wanting my bed back! It took me a little bit to realize that it was completely normal and something I just had to adjust to. Once I got that through my head, him moving in was a breeze. It’ll get easier, I promise.

Post # 10
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@beenonymous765:  You say you’re living with a roommate and your fiancee? It’ll probably get better when you guys are on your own and have more room to spread out/do your own thing. I know things between me and my guy were better (in terms of living together) once we lived on our own and could hang out in different rooms from time to time. But this is totally normal! Don’t sweat it. πŸ™‚

That said – talk to him! It might be a tough conversation but letting your frustration simmer isn’t healthy.

Post # 11
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

You are not crazy at all. We all need our space. Some people need more space than others. It’s something you need to negotiate for yourself.

I realized I need at least 30 minutes to myself after I come from work and a full hour or two on week-ends to fully re-charge. Some of my friends have a week-end every month to themselves, or 2-3 nights a week that they need to themselves. My Darling Husband needs at least an hour each day. Everybody is different πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It’s hard enough to move in together, but throw a roommate in too? Is there any way you guys can get a place of your own?

The best advice I can give is to talk to him. Both my husband and I are very independent and definately need our own space sometimes. We just tell each other and figure out a way to give each other the needed time.

Communicate, communicate, communicate πŸ™‚ Hang in there, it gets better!!

Post # 13
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

you have to explain to him that you need to be alone sometimes. my Darling Husband and I like having our personal man caves so usually he gets the home office and I get the bedroom where he’s doing his thing on the computer and I’m reading. something that maybe, can be arranged?

Post # 14
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

Totally normal!  My Fiance is on his bachelor trip, and I am SO SO SO excited I get the house ALL to myself!  For 3.5 days!!!!  So exciting!!!

I always wanted to live alone before I got married, and that never ended up happening.  I went from parents house to roommates for 7 years to Fiance.  For the first couple months leading up to and after moving in with Fiance, I had horrible pangs of regret that I’ll never get to live alone.  It just takes a while to develop a routine you’re good with.

Something that helped us was we sat down before we moved in together and came up with an agreement.  If one of us needed alone time, we would say: “I need to be alone” or something similar, and no questions would be asked and the person would get whatever room they picked 100% to themselves for however long they needed.  And the other person couldn’t bother them to ask how long, etc., only the person who needed alone time could end it.  Just knowing that option was there, neither of us ever used it, and we’ve been living together for just over 1 year.

Post # 15
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My Fiance was from VA, I was in NJ. We’d see each other once a month. When he finally moved up to NJ to be with me I was a complete wreck. I couldn’t handle the realization that if we didn’t work out, he uprooted his entire life and moved to a new state just for some failed relationship. Thankfully it worked. It takes a LOT of adjusting though. We didn’t immediately move in together, but seeing each other more than once a month was…weird. We had to learn about each other quickly, we argued more because we didn’t live in a “special occasion” bubble any more.

Fun quick story to make you smile: You really DO need to learn how to live together. When we first moved in together, I realized in horror that I could never fart ever again. Thankfully, 3 days later I reached a comfort and desperation level that broke that barrier. But it’s like that with your entire routine. Right now you’re learning each others habits and getting comfortable.

I just DON’T get people who get married without living together first. Some couples never make it past this period, why would you get married without knowing you can manage this?

My advice to you? Talk to him and explain that you love him but also need your space. It does get easier. You just need to build a routine and learn how to share a space. I bet it wasn’t natural when you first moved in with your roommate, but you got there eventually!

 

Post # 16
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This is very normal… I would often feel this way when I first relocated to be with my Fiance.. remember it is hard for them too – he probaby is not meaning to rely on you so much but if he is not a overly confident person then he will perhaps be using you right now to ‘ease’ his way into knowing the area.. plus if he doe snot have any friends there that could be limiting for him too. 

I really feel that the other problem for you both is that you have a room mate – this in itself is so very limiting and is not the ideal environment for a relationship much less one that has just come together in this way.  Is there anyway that you will be able to have your own place in the near future?

You really MUST talk to him though and explain that having your own time and space sometimes is not a reflection on him or the relationhsip but merely a ‘need’ that you have for yourself and there is nothing wrong in that.  Perhaps you could introduce him to some of your GF’s Boyfriends so that he would be able to make some male friends in the area and spend some time wirth them at times. 

It does get better – and believe me I am now in the situation that my Fiance and I are back to being in a LDR and i HATE him being away!!! lol

The topic ‘i didn't think it was going to be so hard.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors