Post # 1
Fiance and I were in a long distance relationship before we got engaged. Things moved pretty quickly after he moved here. He moved here, we got engaged, and moved in together. Now, here we are, and while I love having him here (seeing as for 80% of our relationship, we were over 3000 miles from one another), it’s so hard. Neither of us have ever lived with a SO. We’re both completely different people. I’m learning to live with his quirks, and I’m sure he’s learning to live with mine. But I find myself looking forward to him going to work.
Don’t get me wrong, I like having him home with me. But I’m so used to being either by myself, or with my roommate of two years. I like my space. I like being able to close my bedroom door, and not have anyone in the room with me. And now that we’re both here, living with my roommate, we’re both in the room. It’s suffocating. And he gets annoyed when I go out into the living room. He follows me, or asks where I’m going. Seriously, I don’t need a babysitter.
I know it’s that whole “learning period” where we have to get used to each other. And we have talked about it. He’s better than he was the first week he was living here (that was awful, I cried myself to sleep two nights because I was so frustrated). But it’s so hard. So much harder than I thought. And there are times when I think “What am I doing? Is this really what I want?” I love him, I love him so much it hurts sometimes. But he’s so ridiculously frustrating.
I just need a hug. And someone to tell me that I’m not insane, or something.
Post # 3
*hugs* You’re not insane. I definitely understand. I’ve lived with my SO for two years, and aside from all the regular adjustments, and I love him so much, but sometimes I miss being alone. Sometimes, I miss it a lot. Right now he took off from work for the past two months, and probably has another month to go before he goes back to work, so it’s really like ARRRRRGH! But… he is helping out around the house and doing a ton of projects that he hasn’t had time for, and he is really enjoying his vacation, so I can’t complain too much.
It has nothing to do with him… but like you, I enjoy being alone. It’s not the same thing as being lonely. I’m extremely independent, and really enjoy solitude. I enjoy people, too, but I need a lot of “off” time. Some people need that time alone to just recharge. If it becomes problematic, just try to explain that to him. Don’t hide from it or it will just build tension. 🙂
Post # 4
You’re not crazy! Continue to talk about it and help him understand that it’s nothing personal. I was an only child for much of my life, and I like my space too. I really like being alone sometimes. My husband and I have gotten to the point where we can just be near each other without really talking or interacting. I still get really annoyed when he looks at the computer over my shoulder and sometimes even if he just asks me what I’m doing, lol. You’ll be fine.
Post # 5
@beenonymous765: You are not insane nor alone in this. I can’t say that I have been where you are, because I will live with my fiance after the wedding, but I am sure that I and many other brides will/have go through what you are experiencing right now.
You think you knew the world about someone, but, there is always more to explore, and this is just one part of this ride.There will be things that you love about him that you had no idea of and things that drive you bonkers – he may feel the same way! But it’s best to sit down and talk about what you are feeling right now, see where compromise can fit, and ensure that for both of you, this is something that you want.
If you want it, work together for it. He could feel just as frustrated as you are…has he mentioned anything to you? An idea that you could proprose is that one dinner each week, both of you could talk about the ups and downs, what you liked/disliked, emotions….that way, both of you can see where the other side stands right now.
Sorry to hear about your struggles – *HUGE HUG* – You are not insane. You are a person going through a significant change, and sometimes change feels frustrating.
Keep me posted 🙂 Always here to talk!
Post # 6
P.S. If you really liked the alone time, tell him that prior to his arrival, that alone time reduced stress, calmed you, etc. Since he didn’t live with you, he didn’t see that sometimes you prefer to keep more to yourself.
Awareness sometimes is all it takes.
Post # 7
oh girl!! this is VERY normal..both my so& I had lived with other people, but just like you we like our own space. we have been living together for almost a year now, and we are MUCH better than it was in the beginning. yes, you will still want to kill eachother sometimes, but you figure out what buttons to push/not push/etc.
definitely talk to him though if something is bothering you, you don’t want it to build up tension like the PP said…always communicate!!!
hang in there!! you’ll get through it 😉
Post # 8
When my Fiance and I visit his parents in England, we share his old bedroom, and rooms aren’t very big there. I usually cry at least once every time we visit because I get so frustrated not having my own space.
I think it’s normal to want some time all by yourself at your home. There’s nothing wrong with it. Sometimes it’s how people recharge…. I’m the same way. Once you guys get your own place it’ll be easier.
Post # 9
I remember even before SO and I moved in together a couple years ago, when we were still long distance, I would feel terrible for wanting my bed back! It took me a little bit to realize that it was completely normal and something I just had to adjust to. Once I got that through my head, him moving in was a breeze. It’ll get easier, I promise.
Post # 10
@beenonymous765: You say you’re living with a roommate and your fiancee? It’ll probably get better when you guys are on your own and have more room to spread out/do your own thing. I know things between me and my guy were better (in terms of living together) once we lived on our own and could hang out in different rooms from time to time. But this is totally normal! Don’t sweat it. 🙂
That said – talk to him! It might be a tough conversation but letting your frustration simmer isn’t healthy.
Post # 11
You are not crazy at all. We all need our space. Some people need more space than others. It’s something you need to negotiate for yourself.
I realized I need at least 30 minutes to myself after I come from work and a full hour or two on week-ends to fully re-charge. Some of my friends have a week-end every month to themselves, or 2-3 nights a week that they need to themselves. My DH needs at least an hour each day. Everybody is different 🙂
Post # 12
It’s hard enough to move in together, but throw a roommate in too? Is there any way you guys can get a place of your own?
The best advice I can give is to talk to him. Both my husband and I are very independent and definately need our own space sometimes. We just tell each other and figure out a way to give each other the needed time.
Communicate, communicate, communicate 🙂 Hang in there, it gets better!!
Post # 13
you have to explain to him that you need to be alone sometimes. my DH and I like having our personal man caves so usually he gets the home office and I get the bedroom where he’s doing his thing on the computer and I’m reading. something that maybe, can be arranged?
Post # 14
Totally normal! My Fiance is on his bachelor trip, and I am SO SO SO excited I get the house ALL to myself! For 3.5 days!!!! So exciting!!!
I always wanted to live alone before I got married, and that never ended up happening. I went from parents house to roommates for 7 years to Fiance. For the first couple months leading up to and after moving in with Fiance, I had horrible pangs of regret that I’ll never get to live alone. It just takes a while to develop a routine you’re good with.
Something that helped us was we sat down before we moved in together and came up with an agreement. If one of us needed alone time, we would say: “I need to be alone” or something similar, and no questions would be asked and the person would get whatever room they picked 100% to themselves for however long they needed. And the other person couldn’t bother them to ask how long, etc., only the person who needed alone time could end it. Just knowing that option was there, neither of us ever used it, and we’ve been living together for just over 1 year.
Post # 15
My Fiance was from VA, I was in NJ. We’d see each other once a month. When he finally moved up to NJ to be with me I was a complete wreck. I couldn’t handle the realization that if we didn’t work out, he uprooted his entire life and moved to a new state just for some failed relationship. Thankfully it worked. It takes a LOT of adjusting though. We didn’t immediately move in together, but seeing each other more than once a month was…weird. We had to learn about each other quickly, we argued more because we didn’t live in a “special occasion” bubble any more.
Fun quick story to make you smile: You really DO need to learn how to live together. When we first moved in together, I realized in horror that I could never fart ever again. Thankfully, 3 days later I reached a comfort and desperation level that broke that barrier. But it’s like that with your entire routine. Right now you’re learning each others habits and getting comfortable.
I just DON’T get people who get married without living together first. Some couples never make it past this period, why would you get married without knowing you can manage this?
My advice to you? Talk to him and explain that you love him but also need your space. It does get easier. You just need to build a routine and learn how to share a space. I bet it wasn’t natural when you first moved in with your roommate, but you got there eventually!
Post # 16
This is very normal… I would often feel this way when I first relocated to be with my Fiance.. remember it is hard for them too – he probaby is not meaning to rely on you so much but if he is not a overly confident person then he will perhaps be using you right now to ‘ease’ his way into knowing the area.. plus if he doe snot have any friends there that could be limiting for him too.
I really feel that the other problem for you both is that you have a room mate – this in itself is so very limiting and is not the ideal environment for a relationship much less one that has just come together in this way. Is there anyway that you will be able to have your own place in the near future?
You really MUST talk to him though and explain that having your own time and space sometimes is not a reflection on him or the relationhsip but merely a ‘need’ that you have for yourself and there is nothing wrong in that. Perhaps you could introduce him to some of your GF’s Boyfriends so that he would be able to make some male friends in the area and spend some time wirth them at times.
It does get better – and believe me I am now in the situation that my Fiance and I are back to being in a LDR and i HATE him being away!!! lol