(Closed) i didnt think this would hurt so bad…

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I agree with PPs – there’s not much you can do now, especially given that you told him you were okay with it and his friends planned it. That said, I think what you should focus on is the fact that your Mr. told you everything.. When they don’t say, that’s when you have to worry. I think he’s earned your trust and that’s how you have to view it. So sorry you’re feeling this way!

Post # 18
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@MeghanV: Lol after FIs bachelor party I made him get me a second photographer for our wedding!!! He also almost got me a kitten but I came to my senses because we already have 3 pets!! But now because we have the 2nd photographer we are also getting a third (just one who wants experience) for the price of 2!! So maybe FIs bachelor party wasnt so bad after all 🙂

Post # 19
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Keep in mind that the hiring of strippers for a bachelor party has a duel purpose:

1. Embarassing the groom.

2. Amusing the groomsmen/friends.

I seriously doubt that this is a situation that a groom would really enjoy. I have asked some of my guy friends and they said that as grooms they were uncomfortable with the whole thing but their friends enjoyed embarassing them and that was the main goal. I wouldn’t take it too seriously.

Post # 20
1074 posts
Bumble bee

Oh no. That’s awful. How could you have known you’d feel that way? I feel like just watching naked girls dance is one thing, but in the room doing stuff with one another? That’s totally different, in my mind anyway.

At least Fiance was honest about it and I agree, I think you should tell him you feel terrible about it, though you know you gave your blessing initially. In some ways it’s a good testament of his faithfulness. There were naked girls right in front of him, not there of his own valition, and he didn’t touch them and came home to you, he beautiful fiance, the one he wants . . . and honestly told you about it. It sucks that it happened at all, but really, you have a wonderful Fiance. 

SO’s brother got married last year and his bachlor party was at a campground. They couldn’t convince any strippers to go out there so they weren’t going to do the stripper thing. I knew SO had no cotnrol over it but I told him that if there was a stripper, he had to close his eyes and not watch. Haha. Well, he texted me the whole night because he missed me and I was sititng alone in our hotel room. Around midnight he said that his brother and two buddies were going to drive 30 miles to go to the strip club. Drunk. SO wasn’t able to stop them so they went. He stayed with the rest of the party at the campground. The bride had told me she knew her Fiance wouldn’t have a stripper because it was the only thing she’d asked and he’d promised. Yeah. He went to the strip club anyway. And drove drunk to get there. The night before his wedding. This is the story of a terrible husband (he’s really not good). They still got married and the bride never found out but he was willing to risk his entire wedding to watch strippers. That level of disregard makes it so much worse, I think.

Post # 22
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m glad your FH clarified a little to give you some peace of mind.

I’m glad you posted this, though, because I originally told FH that if he got a lap dance at his bachelor party, I WOULDN’T WANT TO KNOW. But after reading this post and a couple of others that were similar, I seriously thought about it and realized that I was being ridiculous. I would not be ok not knowing– it would just get to me until I knew. And I definitely would not be ok with him getting a lap dance. Just the thought makes me feel like I have smoke coming out of my ears. So I decided that FH and I need to set some boundaries before he goes so that I can have some peace of mind, and he can have a good time without worrying about getting in trouble. Plus I don’t really trust one of the guys he’s going with. Ugh…

Post # 23
11 posts

I am genuinely sorry that this happened to you.   But, I really hope that you can now stop telling other women to be cool with it and that they should pretend that they don’t mind it in order to not seem insecure.  As mentioned in my previous post, by definition you are insecure if you cannot speak up for yourself, not vice versa.  And instead of being angry with me for supporting women who are not down with type of crappy male entitlement, you should be angry with all the people who made you feel like you needed to pretend that this type of activity was OK, so you could look “secure.” 

And I hope you can also stop pretending that this is not sexual, that they “didn’t do anything downstairs,” that he fantasized about you while he was watching the strippers play with each other, or that he won’t fantasize about them when he is with you.   Personally, I don’t think that the truth is rude or mean or disrespectful.  Rationalizations, lying to yourself and to others, and making other women feel guilty or uncool or insecure or untrusting or all that other bull is what is disrespectful.   I also think that “supporting” women to forgive their Fiance who dishonored them right before their marriage is not helpful;  We all know people who should have dumped their FIs for the way they treated them, but they married them anyways, and two kids and ten years later, they are miserable. Telling people that a red flag is not a good thing is not cruel;  telling them to ignore it is. 

Post # 24
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@starburst198077….Are you serious?  There are women out there who are very “secure” and don’t feel “dishonored” because her Fiance got a lap dance.  And were you there at the bachelor party?  Because you seem to know for a fact that the OP’s Fiance lied to her about what went on in the room.  And to tell her… “And I hope you can also stop pretending that this is not sexual, that they “didn’t do anything downstairs,” that he fantasized about you while he was watching the strippers play with each other, or that he won’t fantasize about them when he is with you.” is just plain mean.  Seems to me that you are the one that is insecure and obviously bitter about something.  My Fiance had his bachelor party just last weekend in Vegas….unfortunately, not all of his groomsmen went….their insecure girlfriends didn’t let them go because they were going to go to a strip club.  I mean really??  These guys missed a memorable weekend with their close friend/s just because their girlfriend’s didn’t want them to see some boobs?  They can see boobs and booty everyday on T.V.!  So are they going to not have T.V.’s in the house?  Maybe they should buy them a horse brace too because God forbid they try to turn their heads if there is pretty girl walking down the street!  Geez….get off your high horse and take a chill pill.

@ the OP…..  You cannot help what you feel but he did tell you what happened…if he wanted to keep anything from you, he would have not disclosed what he did.  He obviously loves you because he chose you to be his wifey!  This ‘episode’ will just be a faint memory as you both have a lifetime to make lots and lots of wonderful new memories!   

Post # 25
3 posts

I read through some of the post…but not all,so I may be repeating….

My Fiance went last weekend, they did baseball game, casino, and of course strip club.  He also got the lap dance, paid for by the groomsmen.  I told him I wanted every detial and he was hestitant bc he felt bad…but I told him it makes me feel better to know…I completely agree w/the hurt your feeling, but I am over it boys will be boys and I trust him and I’m sure you trust your Fiance too.  I took me almost a week to stop thinking about it and talking about it.

Hang in there he loves you!!!

Post # 27
6610 posts
Bee Keeper

@bhutton15: Don’t let a negative post get to you.

Yeah, some guys do awful things with strippers before their weddings. I personally believe that cheating is a deal-breaker. But that is an EXTREME case and doesn’t sound AT ALL like what happened with your Fiance.

Despite being upset, you’re being really mature about the situation, and I applaud you for that. I would have felt the same way you did when you found out, and I think you’re awesome for trying so hard to accept what happened, as it probably wasn’t any part your FI’s idea.

Post # 29
6610 posts
Bee Keeper

@bhutton15: Gotcha! I wasn’t familiar with what happened on the other thread.

Either way, I am SO happy to hear you and your Fiance are doing great!!! He loves you and that’s all that matters. 🙂

Post # 30
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Men….gotta love em.


Post # 31
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I personally have NO problem with strippers. Maybe because I have known a couple personally. 

They’re in it for the cash, not the men. To them, the men are just dollar signs. I think the chances of your guy doing anything with a stripper are less likely than if he went out to a bar and hooked up.

I think it says a lot about him that he told you about it, and you did say you were ok with it. I think the best you can do now is to tell him that you’d prefer he not do it again because although you appreciate his honesty, it does bother you more than you thought.

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