I didn't want to get engaged last year, but now he doesn't when I want to

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
4481 posts
Honey bee

Honestly, for me, someone being unkind to me, fighting with me, and telling me that they were unsure if we were even meant to be together would start the relationship clock over for me if I decided to stick it out. So yes, technically it’s been 6 years total, but for me whenever that turning of the corner past this bad period, which sounds like it was just this year, happened after being told they were unsure would be basically a brand new relationship to me. Because I would have to rebuild Trust and see long-term changes in their behavior first.  I would need to get to know them all over again after what sounds like months and months of possibly abusive or at least very unkind behavior. I would have a very hard time trusting someone who could act so unkind to me and have a very hard time trusting that it won’t happen again. It doesn’t mean I won’t be able to trust them again, but it would take a very long time.

But the good news is he stuck it out. I think you need to take your focus off of engagement for quite a bit longer. At this point there’s only been seven full months to this year where you have now been relatively stable. But most people don’t get engaged after only 7 months. It took you five years to build up to the point of possible engagement the first time around. After months of being dealing with your anger and being told you aren’t even sure you should be together, it’s going to most likely take more than seven months to rebuild that relationship back to the point of possible engagement. You just need to be patient and you need to do the work on yourself that is necessary to maintain stability and regain his trust.  And you need to ensure that should you go through a difficult period again you don’t take it out on him the next time. I’m sure once he sees enough stability over a longer time you guys can get back on the track towards engagement and marriage.

Post # 17
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

Delaying the engagement was a very mature and self aware decision. 

Use your maturity and self awareness to understand how your boyfriend is feeling. 

Wait at least another 6-12 months to revisit the idea of an engagement with him. Maybe couple’s counseling can wait for a few months so that it doesn’t seem like you’re ignoring his feelings and pushing for an engagement. 

Post # 18
Member
6409 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

There are a number of people telling the OP that if he cannot “handle” her lows, then he isn’t the right guy or doesn’t deserve her or other similar things. And yet if a woman were telling the story and said that a man told her he didn’t think they were right for each other and shouldn’t get engaged, we would all be telling her to be grateful that he revealed who he truly was and that she should believe what he says and move on. We would be angry that his “solution” to whatever issues he was having was to essentially break up.

This is what the OP’s boyfriend is now sorting through. I think it is justifiable that he might need some time with that, and he might wonder if things get tough for her again if her answer will be to question the relationship again. I firmly believe that if a woman were saying that her boyfriend said what the OP said, we would all be telling her to leave him and find someone who was sure of her. 

Post # 20
Member
828 posts
Busy bee

jasminek :  Girl, he doesn’t want to marry you. Stop wasting your time and do both of you a favor. It’s time to move on.

Post # 21
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, bee, I think too much damage has been done at this point. 

I think you would fare much better with a fresh start 

Post # 22
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

cq123 :  Um. Her post makes it clear that he did want to but she changed her mind initially.

Post # 23
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Have you taken any measures to address the underlying issues that led to the broken engagement in the first place? Did you seek counseling with a professional? Have they discharged you because you have met your treatment goals?

Time does not heal all wounds. You need to work on yourself first, and I get the vibe that you’re simply waiting out the storm. However, you’re not in a storm. You’re in a hole, and you’re not getting out until you take active measures to climb out.

Post # 24
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

jasminek :  then I think you have your answer. If he’s not willing to propose, and you want to be engaged – you can’t maipulate or convince him into changing his mind.  Respect his “no” and move on.

Post # 25
Member
388 posts
Helper bee

BuzzedBumblingBee :  This is an excellent point, and very well illustrated. 

ETA: A month may seem like a long time, but to put it in perspective, I am currently recovering from a relatively simple physical injury that has taken two months to even reach the point at which I can do some of the things I am accustomed to doing. What you and your boyfriend are going through is the result of a complex emotional injury. There is no strict timeline for that, but I’d be willing to bet it’s going to take longer than a month. Focussing on how long it’s taking is just going to put pressure on an already tenuous situation. It takes as long as it takes, and you still have to put the work in to fix the original problem for your recovery to be meaningful. 

Post # 26
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

leztrythisagain :  Her boyfriend did want to marry her and got her a ring. She told him that they are not right for each other, and then later changed her mind and decided she did want him after all. These kind of emotional wounds don’t heal in a few months. 

Post # 27
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

Did you go for counseling to deal with the original fallout?

Post # 28
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

jasminek :  I understand his hesitation.  He doesn’t want to get his heart stomped on.  If you have so much doubt about being right for each other, you may run out on him after he proposes.

Post # 29
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

chiara :  agreed, and worth saying that the emotional wounds may heal in months; but the scars may never fade. And the OP neeeds to realise that she can;t coerce him to heal faster, nor can she pretend the scars aren;t there. Both of those things are u fair demands & inkind to him.

Post # 30
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

Did you actually do anything other than relying on time healing all wounds?

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