I didn't want to get engaged last year, but now he doesn't when I want to

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
805 posts
Busy bee

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jasminek :  I’ve gone through something similar in the past year dealing with my boyfriend’s emotional issues and life stress, it caused a lot of stress on our relationship. It took alot for us to get back to a pretty good place, we didn’t do therapy but we had to be extremely honest and communicate openly about the issues. I agree with pp’s, honest communication and being patient while trust is rebuilt are key. Communication is the most important in my opinion but also giving space to reflect on it also helps.

Couples and/or individual therapy can be helpful if you both keep getting stuck in the same argument or are having any difficulty in communication.

Post # 32
1204 posts
Bumble bee

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BuzzedBumblingBee :  

“if he can’t take your lows with your highs, he doesn’t deserve you.”

No. This is not about being deserving. We don’t know what the OP’s behaviour towards her boyfriend was like – it may have been truly awful, and are you really saying that if he can’t just suck it up, he doesn’t “deserve” her? Would you make this same statement to a woman who had endured angry outbursts from her boyfriend? I suspect not.

I actually think what our loved ones “deserve” is our efforts to be great partners, to be our best selves, to try to make the relationship happy, secure, nourishing. This attitude of “well, this is my worst, so like it or lump it” is completely arse-about-face in my opinion.

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jasminek :  

Have you got to the bottom of your anger? Do you know what led to these outbursts and to the things you said to your boyfriend? These issues probably go deeper than you realise. Putting aside for a moment that he cannot get past them just yet, if I were you, I would really want to get to the bottom of why you said these things and behaved this way. I would say that pretty much always, things we say in anger have some kind of a deeper root. It may be that things in your relationship are frustrating you, or that you are unhappy about things in your life or in yourself. Or it could be unresolved issues from your past. I would at least try to figure out what these things are before you start pushing for an engagement again.

Anger is actually a very wise emotion. It contains tremendous energy which is supposed to galvanise us to act. You need to figure out what your anger wanted you to do before it will leave you for good.

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