(Closed) I DO NOT like and don't trust my fiance's best man! HELP!

posted 7 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 32
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I agree with Nona99. Think of it this way–you’ve got your man for the rest of your life. Yeah, it’ll be awkward…but will it seriously be “ruin-your-wedding-day” awkward? 🙂

Post # 33
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow, man.

So far, this is the first time I’ve seen Hyperventilate make a post I disagreed with.

A banner day! In a sort of a downer kinda way.

Guys, you’re all really, really good at playing the “would you respect his opinions of your bridesmaids?” argument, but let me ask you a question: Why WOULDN’T you?

Our wedding was very small.

We were extremely selective in the guest list, because we were having a destination wedding, and as a result, we had a very small wedding party, so this didn’t really come up.

But if my wife had said to me that anyone in my guest list would MAKE HER UNCOMFORTABLE at her wedding, I would at LEAST have given that significant thought.

As I would have expected her to do in return.

I am utterly baffled by this notion that the different wedding parties are totally off-limits to the opposite side of the aisle.

Seriously? You’d feel comfortable inviting someone to be your bridesmaid who you knew absolutely hated your Fiance and didn’t want you to marry him, to the point of saying so openly and publicly? Even if your Fiance said, in private and just between the two of you, “this person makes me uncomfortable, here’s why; I am concerned with the effect they’ll have on the wedding if they’re part of the ceremony.”

Really?

I think some people on here are taking this as some kind of exclusive thing. BRIDES ONLY choose bridesmaids, GROOMS ONLY choose groomsmen…

 

Uh-huh. The intent and purpose of the wedding in the first place is to formalize your status as a couple; to make a statement, to each other and the world, that you two are a team, now and forever, and anyone who wants to deal with either of you is dealing with both of you.

And you’re really advising the OP that her opinion of someone her FI’s choosing for this is, and should be, irrelevant?

Nope.

As her permanent backup, mate, partner, other half, however you choose to look at it, he has not only the responsibility, but the absolute mandate, to take that into account. He may ultimately choose to include the guy; he’s already said that if he does, it will be after giving him a stern talking-to about what will be acceptable behavior at the wedding, which tells ME that he understands this point.

This road goes both directions. If your Fiance is going to have his enjoyment of the wedding ruined by your inclusion of someone, you have a responsibility to ensure that his enjoyment is just as protected as your own.

I see a lot of “it’s YOUR BIG DAY” comments in a lot of threads, urging brides to do some really silly things.

Guess what? It’s his big day too.

He has a right to the same consideration from you, that you expect from him.

 

In this case, OP’s Fiance seems like he’s at least taking it into consideration.

OP would be well within her rights to make it clear to her Fiance how strongly she feels about this.

I don’t think she should issue any kind of ultimatum, but saying “his obvious dislike for me and rejection of our marriage makes me really uncomfortable and I’d rather he came as a guest, rather than as a participant” is totally reasonable.

 

He may decide to include him anyway, but based on what OP has said here, I suspect that if that happens, it will be after the guy gets cornered by her Fiance and told “if you fuck this up I will beat you into paste. Can you behave?” Which, to me, seems like a reasonable compromise.

OP, you are not wrong, but if your Fiance says he will make sure that things are ok, you owe it to him to trust him on this one. He knows how you feel; he’ll act on it the way he thinks best, and you will know that at an absolute minimum, before he did something you didn’t like, he took your thoughts and feelings into account.

 

My wife may comment to this in a bit; her feelings about this are somewhat stronger than my own; she said “if my friend tried to tell me she didn’t like my husband, well, she wouldn’t be my friend,” which sounds remarkably like what OP’s Fiance said he was going to say to his townie friends.

 

So there’s that.

Post # 34
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yeah, if I had friends that didn’t like my husband… they would not be my friends. We don’t do much without each other, so I would never have occasion to hang out with them ever again.

Sorry… when we got engaged, it stopped being Me and Him… we became US. If you don’t like part of us, you don’t like US. Buh-bye.

 

So… they would definitely not have been part of my wedding party. The wedding is the celebration of becoming one. Why even invite someone who is rooting against that?

OMG you gotta tell him and your Fiance better figure out who he loves more, you or his ‘friends’.

Post # 35
Member
9 posts
Newbee

Wow! I am in the same boat sorta. 

My guy has a few of those “best” friends. His friends, one in particular has disrespected me and me and my boyfriends relationship. He has tried to tell my boyfriend how to run OUR relationship. His friends get mad at him and me and calls me nasty names bc I won’t let him drink and party with his “friends” and now that my boyfriend and I are talking about marriage, he wants that particular friend to be his best man. One day he decided to ask his “friend” if he would be his best man when me and him got ready to get married. His friend told him no bc of me. I don’t know why but I cried when my boyfriend told me that his so called best friend wouldn’t be in our wedding. 

Post # 36
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@jsimp12:  I completely agree that it is ultimately his decision, but I also agree with what you said about having someone supportive of your relationship standing beside you.  My fiance and I chose our bridal party together.  We decided we wanted people that had affected our relationship together in a positive way. So as these other posts have mentioned you cannot make him change his best man, but if you approach it in a way where you mutually are deciding the bridal party, maybe he will be more receptive.  It was hard to not include some of my closest childhood friends, but so far everyone has understood and loved that we chose the wedding party together. 

Post # 37
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t think you’re controlling and I understand your concerns. But your Fiance is going to talk to them, why don’t you give him a shot? Those friends have to accept that he is getting married to you. I don’t think your FI’s friendship is entirely his. I’d be concerned if your Fiance doesn’t put a thought on your concern. But your Fiance doesn’t seem like a guy who’s neglecting your opinion. I think he just believes that his friends will eventually understand and accept that you are his bride. And they should if they want to remain as his friends. Also, isn’t it an easier way of talk them to? “You’re my best friend and the best man. You have to be nice to my bride.” Give him and his friends a chance. 

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