I do not think my husband EVER loved me – please help!

posted 6 months ago in Weddingbee
Post # 31
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

greatadvice4all :  I don’t have any advice to you other than leave. He won’t stop this behavior until he kills you or you leave. Physical abuse only gets worse.

I’m also adding that since you describe yourself as a good Christian and are afraid of divorce because of your religion:

1. Good Christians do not focus on material wealth, as you did in your first paragraph. They do not covet physical belongings or place their personal worth in monetary gains. Your concerns that you had an inexpensive wedding, no engagement ring, and no house, show that money matters more than God. This is not being a good Christian.

2. Your husband is sinning by physically harming you and refusing to love and respect you as a child of God. When he married you, he promised to love, respect, and protect you, and he has done none of those things. He is sinning, and because you refuse to stand up to him, you are enabling his sins rather than helping him. Rather than helping him find God’s love and forgiveness, you are allowing him to commit evil acts. If you stay, he will continue to beat you. Good Christians help lost souls find God, your husband is lost and you are letting the darkness work through him. This is not being a good Christian.

3. If you bring children into a loveless, physically and emotionally abusive marriage, you are creating children out of your own selfish want to be a mother rather than to create loving beings in God’s image. Your husband will eventually turn his violence towards your children and by placing them in harm’s way, you are again allowing your husband to commit evil acts against God’s children. This is not being a good Christian.

4. Jesus died for our sins so we could be free to spread love and compassion. You are ignoring Jesus’s sacrifice and living in fear instead. Every day you live in fear and darkness, Jesus’s sacrifice was in vain. This is not being a good Christian.

5. If you were a good Christian, you would know God loves you and wants you to be happy. He wants you to have healthy, loving children who can find happiness for themselves. Neither you nor your children will be safe or happy with your husband.

There are pastors and counselors who can help you. There are religious organizations who help women who have been abused. They want to help you and God wants you to help yourself.

It is not your fault your husband is abusive. He needs to find God again. Unfortunately, you cannot help him. You cannot make him better. He is sick and angry. If you continue to stay with him, you will eventually lose your faith too, if not your life.

Wouldn’t you rather live a long, meaningful life full of love and joy, so you can spread Christianity and show others how wonderful God can be?

Post # 32
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Baton Rouge, LA

Oh, bee.  I’m so sorry.

I was you ten years ago.  It wasn’t quite as physical as what you’re describing, but it was mental and emotional.  I thought that if I could just be a good enough wife and pray enough that he would turn into who I thought he was to begin with.

It didn’t work.  It got much, much worse.  It took my priest telling me that staying in my marriage was exposing myself to harm and to get out before I realized that divorce was absolutely an option, and my only one if I wanted to get out alive.  You are not obligated to stay in a marriage in which your husband will not only not hold up his vows, but is actively harming you.  He never had any intention of keeping those vows; he wanted a way to control you, and it’s sickening that he’s using your faith to do it.

Prayer is a beautiful thing, but remember that G-d created us with free will.  No matter how hard you pray, your husband as to want to actually be a husband, and he’s shown you time and again that he wants to be a slavemaster instead.

You cannot fix this. You cannot work it out, or pray hard enough, or be a good enough wife to make him stop.  As soon as you think you’ve met his demands, he’ll move the damn goal posts and then claim that those were the original demands all along.  It is all about control (and by the way: his threats to lock you out or sue you are just that.  No lawyer in his right mind would take that suit; it would never hold up in court).  My XH tried similar threats a few times, and even his own lawyer wasn’t having it.

You’re with your family now.  Stay there.  Hire a divorce lawyer; make sure it’s a good one who knows what the hell they’re doing.  Your H will try all kinds of shenanigans because again, it’s all about maintaining control.

Post # 33
3038 posts
Sugar bee

greatadvice4all :  I think God would want you to be happy.

This man does not walk with God. Look at his values and morals – not christian. 

Stay with your family. Don’t go back. 

Post # 35
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I’m sorry to say that, but I’m not even sure if this story is fiction or reality.

Giving you the benefit of doubt and assuming that it is reality: Please read in detail through what the other Bees wrote. Your husband is not fulfilling his vows, he’s not a good Christian and doesn’t deserve being with one. He’s NEVER going to change. You have to accept the fact, that although you gave everything and are willing to invest everything for this marriage to work, he’s not. And that’s where it ends. And it is NOT your fault. We can’t control other people’s behavior or feelings. It’s a hard life lesson to learn, and I’m sorry that you have to learn it the hard way.

Post # 36
1114 posts
Bumble bee

greatadvice4all :  Responding with Christian doctorine, because I think you are grossly misunderstanding both the Bible and the tenets of Christianity.

No, your husband never loved you. He is also not a Christian. There is a little misinformation as to when divorce is acceptable in the Christian faith, but the core of it is this – if your husband sins against God by being an abusive husband, it is your job to lead him back to God. You can’t do that if you are still married to him, because you are not holding him accountable for his actions. You need to divorce him so that he may face consequences and therefore take steps to become a better man, if he can. He will not just ‘turn’ into a better man. Also, as a Christian woman you are called to separate yourself from those who do evil. 

The correct thing to do as a Christian is to start divorce proceedings and protect yourself. Only in this way can you honor God. By subjecting yourself to abuse you are dishonoring his creation, which is you. This is how you are sinning. 

Make an appt to see your spiritual counselor, start divorce proceedings, and after your divorce start proceedings for an annulment, which will likely be granted to you. Then in the Church’s eyes you will not have been divorced and are free to remarry. 

Please know that according to Scripture, YOU cannot be fully Christian unless you leave this man. 

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