Post # 92
So if he won’t take your last name and you don’t want to take his, and you don’t really like the idea of hyphenating…Maybe this is too “outside the box” but have you considered blending your last names and then both changing it to that one? For example, if your last name is Jones and his is Smith, both of you change it to Smones (hopefully a blended version of your last names won’t sound silly). That way, you both share the same last name, and it’s also special to both of you because your new last name would contain a “piece” of you.
I’m also hesitant to take FI’s last name because my last name is “me”, so I considered the blended name for a while, but unfortunately there’s no blended version of FI’s and my last name that doesn’t sound ridiculous.
Post # 93
I know someone who took their husband’s name as their middle name and I am totally considering it.
Post # 94
I went through a miniature identity crisis a couple days ago (I’m in the process of changing my name right now) just because my last name is so unique and the last name I’m taking is so….not.
Everyone used to ask me what I am and where my last name is from–it was just this huge conversation starter and now I don’t have it anymore!! I saw my email at work change today and it’s so short!!!
But I am excited to take his last name, to me it was just something that I expected to happen when I got married. I kept my maiden name as my middle name, though, and I make sure it’s in all my email signatures and on facebook so everyone knows I still use it!
Post # 95
@Kat: I didn’t read through all of the comments (I did read through some and I completely disagree with those who are saying “marriage is about compromise, so you should change your name”) but I totally understand where you’re coming from because Darling Husband and I went through this a bit when I first said that I wouldn’t be changing my name.
At the end of the day, it’s your name, IMO no one has the right to even suggest to you that you should change it if you don’t want to! For me, this isn’t a “marital” issue, it’s a personal issue. If you’re one of those women who has dreamed of taking her husband’s name and doodled “Mrs. DiCaprio” all over her notebook as a child, great. If you’re not, it doesn’t make you any less committed to your relationship or any less married.
PS- It’s a bit rant-y, but really liked this post.
Post # 96
More political and social power.
More rights in general (even where equality is guaranteed by the law).
You should at least get to keep your last name if you want!
Post # 97
It’s YOUR name and YOUR identity in question here, not his. If not changing your name to his somehow threatens his masculinity, he needs to work on being less insecure. Marrying a strong woman with her own identity should make him feel more masculine, not less. It’s a weak man who would feel threatened by that, in my opinion.
Post # 98
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
If I felt the same way as you, I’d just tell him I didn’t want to, but I’d change it on Facebook for a while lol. Either this is a deal breaker for him or it isn’t, he has to make that choice.
Post # 99
Thank you to everybody for the opinions.
There couldn’t be a more difficult decision for me to make right now, as I’ve always thought I would share a name with my future husband, but never thought giving up mine would hurt so much.
The fact that I’m also from one of the most conservative places I can think of doesn’t make this any easier, as it’s impossible for me to honestly talk my Fiance into the idea that me keeping my name will not come under scrutiny.
When I poured my heart out to my friend, she basically agreed that my points made tons of sense logically, but still disagreed with my decision. It’s as if this issue is immune to all reasoning.
I realize that changing my last name doesn’t really change who I am in my heart, or the way that people understand me as a person. But, it’s impossible to deny that a name carries weight, which is why some women are so excited to change theirs. So far, the only real reason that I can surmise to change it is because it is traditional (a tradition created by men, in fact). If we have children, they would take his name & I *might* consider changing mine then, but I’m not sure. Why does the woman always have to be the one to change hers to the mans? And, for the matter, if the name isn’t that important to a person’s true identity, then why is it the acceptable idea that when a woman takes a man’s name it is equal to accepting a singular identity with her husband instead of the previous plural?
I guess the point I am trying to make is that society doesn’t think it should be a big deal emotionally for a woman to change her name to her husband’s (&, if she makes an issue of this antiquated traditional she is clearly in the wrong), but it is somehow VERY important that she takes her husband’s name. Either a name is important, or it is unimportant, but it can’t be one thing to the woman & another to the man. I guess maybe inside I think it is a sexist notion, & as much as I want to be “one” with my husband, I don’t think it should come at the expense of my ethics, or my comfort with my own name & identity.
Post # 100
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Kat: I find it a bit odd though, as his parents have been together (unmarried) for 30 years & always had different names.
There’s your answer as to why this is such a big deal to him. On some level it makes him unhappy or uncomfortable that his parents have different last names. Maybe people made comments about it when he was younger.
We went around and around about the issue and finally agreed that I can keep my maiden name professionally but in social situations I will be introduced as Mrs. HisLastName.
Post # 101
My hisband wanted me to take his last name. I didn’t want to, and I didn’t. he had to deal with it. i wasn’t willing to compromise on my name. stay strong.
Post # 102
For those bees saying a decision can be made after the wedding: I don’t know about all states, but here in Oregon, when applying for our license, a decision had to be made then and there about what our names would be after marriage. After marriage, you would have to petition the court for a legal name change.
Post # 103
@beachbride1216: When you say that you kept your name legally, & use his socially, do you also keep your maiden name legally?
Post # 104
You don’t need to make a decision right away. I got married a year ago and am just now starting to change my name over. I was really unsure of changing my name so I didn’t do it till I felt ok with the idea. Tell your hubby you will decide after you get married ( you use your maiden name on your marriage licence anyways), once the ordeal of the wedding is over you will beable to clear your head and think about what you want.
I didn’t want to change my name initially (and my hubby did want me to change it), but after a year of being a bit confused as to whether or not the use his name or mine when it came to stupid little things like dinner reservations or joint purchases I decides to take the leap. It is going to take some time to get used to but it really hasn’t been that bad after all, I am sure in a few years I will be totally used to my new name.
Best of luck, and really dont stress, it will be ok.
Post # 105
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Kat: My situation is a bit different since he was adopted by his stepfather when he was 10 and decided to take his stepfather’s name as his own. My Fiance finds it extremely important for me to legally change my last name to validate his relationship with his father and my place in the family. As a result I decided to change my last name legally to his and I will use his last name socially but I will continue using my maiden name professionally. It also gives me the legal protection so that people who know me professionally cannot find my family through open public records like tax rolls. (I work an unpopular job where I would prefer some anonimity at home.)
Post # 106
@Kimberley25: I’ve been wondering how this works in Michigan.. I keep hearing people say to wait a while, but I’m not even sure that is legally an option.