(Closed) I don´t think I really want to marry him…

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I am a full believer in putting every effort into a relationship before deciding it won’t work, but if the effort has been put in, and you are both so unhappy, it is better for both of you to not force a marriage that will increase that unhappiness.  I am glad to hear the violence has not come back, but your fear is still very legitimate.  Unless he has gone to see a therapist or professional to help him with his issues.  Can you talk to your pastor?

Change is scary, even when you know it is right.  You can do this.  It may be hard, and you may feel like a failure at times, but it will be worth it.

Post # 18
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m so, so sorry. Call a Domestic Violence hotline and ask for advice on how to safely remove yourself and your child from the situation. If you’re afraid that he’ll be violence, you must not marry him. It will become even harder then. The counselors on the hotline can help you figure out a safe place to stay, a financial plan, and how to make sure he cannot interfere with your life. I wish you the best and I hope you and your child will be safe soon.

Post # 20
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I have been in a really abusive relationship befpre and thought I had no way out because of my daughter and the fact that I had no family to support me.  Call your nearest YWCA (Youth, Women, and Children Advocacy).  They helped me out so much.  First of all they help you figure out a plan for getting you and your child out safely.  They help you with the protection order paperwork.  They helped me with the legal issues of the divorce and etc.  Trust me, you do not want to me in a bad and abusive marriage just becaue your christian and believe you HAVE to be with the father.  It’s bad for you and REALLY bad for your daughter.  One key is that you need to make the right steps to make sure you have your daughter and the YWCA will help you.  If you have any other question about this, please message me.  Good luck.

Post # 21
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I had an abusive very very violent father and I wish my mother would have left him but she stayed with him for 16 years and it traumitized my sister and I in so many ways.  In my book…violence ONCE means he will be violent again (generally speaking, I’m sure there is a small percentage out there that can change). 

Call your mom, so what if she calls lawyers and makes flight reservations?  Isn’t that what a mom is supposed to do and isn’t that what you need?  Tell your mom, tell your fiance that you’re going to go visit your mom for some wedding planning (or SOMETHING, make some story up) and leave. 

Post # 22
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’ve been in a violent relationship before and while its great that he seems to have changed, the fact that you harbor the fear he’ll be violent again is enough. I think having someone else there when you talk to him is a good idea, and probably having your daughter at a friends house or somewhere else in case things escalate to yelling or worse.  Whatever country you are in, find out what the domestic violence resources are and make sure you talk to your mother so she is informed and might be able to help. You are in our prayers.

Post # 23
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I think you need to tell your mother. Just like you would do anything for your child, your mother would do that for you. Let her. {{{}}} I hope you have the strength to do what you need to do. Please do not marry a man you are afraid of, it will only end badly.

Post # 24
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

i’m sorry you’re going through this. if you’re having doubts, then please take some time for yourself………for your’s and your daughter’s sakes. i read a great book where she states, “it’s ok to be in a place of i don’t know.” i really like that saying because a lot of times, i think we feel pressured into saying yes or no. first, make sure that you and your daughter are safe and have an escape plan. then, talk to someone whom you trust whole-heartedly about helping you. if you don’t know of anyone, then find a shelter or support group. i’ve never been in this situation, but i know there are groups like that that exist. please tread carefully and remember that your daughter is your number one priority. you need to protect her and yourself. and, don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. your future is in your hands. it’s your life. you decide what you want to do with it.

Post # 25
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m very sorry, dear.  Please get help!  Do not marry a man out of fear- it will not end well.

Post # 26
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry to hear this.

I think you have very valid feelings to be scared and want to get away. For the safety of you AND your daughter.

I ditto the advice above on calling a hotline (maybe from work so he can’t see you called?) because i have no real advice to offer, not having really known anyone personally or been in the situation myself. Men like this make me so angry though, and my heart goes out to you.

Talk to your mom, really, if you guys are close. Your mom doing things like booking flights, etc, is only in your interest and if she’s anything like my mom, she’ll do everything in her power to keep you safe from that animal! Don’t marry him! Trust your gut. BE SAFE.

Post # 27
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I’m so sorry! I can’t give you any good advice, but stay safe, whatever you decide. 🙁

Post # 28
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yes, please stay safe. Reach out to whatever support you can get. I’m sorry there aren’t very good resources in your country; are you involved in a church at all, or some other community that could help you?

Post # 29
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

How awful! I’m so sorry you are feeling this way & have to deal with this.

I know someone who was abused by her spouse a few times before they married & after they got married it only got worse. He cut her off from all her family and friends and she only got out because he beat her within an inch of her life and she had to be hospitalized. A lot of people tend to think that things will get better after marriage, but thats usually never the case. If your mom is willing to help you out– I say go to her. She will protect you!

As for your in-laws… I doubt they’ll be on your side. It’s hard to imagine your son or brother being able to treat another person that way.

I really don’t think you should marry him. Your daughter & your safety are number 1. If he’s been violent with you before, and you suspect he will be again, then you need to get out. Call your mom and get far away from him. Please! I’ll keep you all in my prayers.

Post # 30
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Undercover – I used to work in crisis intervention, advocacy and education for a domestic violence agency.  Domestic violence (which can be physical or emotional) starts with a cycle of power and control long before any violence.  Here’s a link to a tool we used to help identify the pattern of control:

http://swc.osu.edu/posts/documents/powercontrolwheel.pdf

If you relate to any of these, PLEASE take steps NOW to safely remove you and your daughter.  One thing you mentioned that really raises a red flag to me is that the ONLY person you can go to is your mom or his family.  Why don’t you have local friends?  You seem like a nice person with a good self image – one of the signs a relationship could be heading for emotional/physical abuse is social isolation – where the man in your life will take subtle steps to limit your friendships so you don’t have trusted friends you can go to for help.  You also mention you are Christian, is there a pastor or a church community you can reach out to?

Only you know the right thing for you to do.  If you identify with the information on the link I sent, PLEASE seek local resources, whether you decide to leave or not.  Feel free to PM me to talk more.  Good luck!

Post # 31
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

The being alone and having no support group/friends that you could go to was also a red flag for me.  I had a great support group before I meet my ex.  Slowly through our relationship he started isolating me and I lost those friendships.  Then we moved halfway across the country and isolated me from my family, that’s when it got really bad.  Please, please reach out to others.

It’s okay to be confused about whether he’s the right guy as time gets closer to the wedding (I did that with my fiance), but if he’s been violent in the past, he will be again.  If there’s any fear you have for you daughter – it’s not going to change.  Trust me, i never thought there would be anyone better for me (that’s another part of the abuse – you’re not worthy enough of anyone but them – you’re worthless without them), but seven years after I got out of that relationship, I’m marrying a really great man you really cares and loves my daughters (I was pregnant with another child when we seperated).  Yeah, it’s REALLY tough to be a single mom, but in the end it’s so much better for your children.  My daughter was only2 when we finally seperated, but to this day every once in a while she’ll make a comment about how she remembers me crying and him hitting me – total nightmare for a mom.

I’m not sure where you’re located, but if there’s any other advice or support I can give, please, please let me know. 

It’s really brave of you to make this first step and post here. 

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