(Closed) I don’t approve, and I don’t want to be involved…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

What does the rest of her family think of her engagement/wedding?  Are you the only person who does not approve?  I don’t think there is really much that can be done; she is an adult and can legally make her own decisions.  It’s a tough situtaion because if you guys stage like an “intervention” it will probably only drive her away and then she’s stuck with this stinker on her own.  I’d say have a heart to heart with her (or have mom talk to her, if they’re close & her mother feels the same way you do) and just be there for her when this relationship implodes.

Post # 5
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yowzers, that’s tough.  How would your husband feel if you actually sit her down and say (gently but directly) that as much as you love her, you don’t think he is the right guy for her because he is physical with her and his attitude makes you uncomfortable.  Tell her you would rather not become involved with wedding planning because it puts you in an uncomfortable situation, given your feelings about him and their relationship.  You know she is an adult and capable of making her own decisions, and therefore she is capable of making her own mistakes.  You can be there for her as a SIL and not necessarily support this particular decision.  KWIM?

Post # 6
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m going to PM you – because I’m in the EXACT same situation (eerily so), but don’t want it in public on here…

Post # 7
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@greenmint:  This is a situation that I am also familiar with and there are no easy answers.

I think that the brothers should speak to this dude in a “you push my sister to the floor or get physical with her again in front of me or I hear about it, you and I are going to have a problem” sort of way.  I don’t advocate violence, but seriously.  This should not be allowed to happen, particularly in front of the family who, by their own inaction, are agreeing with his behaviour.

I think that you can also speak to Future Sister-In-Law about her.  That you are concerned about her. That she has cut off her friends.  That she doesn’t look happy when her Fiance pushes her to the floor (that situation actually makes me feel sick).  That she can always come to you if she needs to, etc.  If you talk about her Fiance, she is just going to defend him and dig in her heels.

IMO she has what she wants.  She loves him.  She’s given up her friends, etc. for him and now he has proven his devotion to her by asking her to marry him.  I’m very glad that she intends to finish school.

IMO you are going to have to walk a careful line with the wedding.  If you decline all her invites or excitement she is just going to cut you out.  Explaining to her that you don’t approve is just going to get her back up and she is going to be more determined to prove you wrong.  I would try (and I know how difficult this is) to walk the line of being supportive of her, but not of this choice, KWIM?  So, maybe I would go wedding dress shopping with her, but I wouldn’t be part of the wedding party…that kind of thing.

 

Post # 8
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

OH!

I’m sorry I didn’t say this before, but I really feel for you.  It sucks when you care about someone and they make choices that are generally not in their best interest…speaking as someone who has fallen on her face often (OFTEN) in the past, some people just need to figure this stuff out for themselves.  

I think that the fact she intends to finish school before getting married is a really good sign.  A lot of things could change in the next 2 years.

 

Post # 10
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I know it’s awkward, but someone needs to say something. I’m in a semi-similar situation where everyone kind of looks to the person to their left to say something, but no one will. It is awkward and we all know the girl is making a mistake, but no one will speak up, for fear of rocking the boat and pushing her into his arms.

I think that the brothers need to say something to the guy, and that you can talk to the girl about her and her feelings. Don’t even bring him into it. 

I agree with everything @ArwenBride: has said… it’s practically like she knows me.

Post # 11
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

he is her choice and although he sounds like a immature prick she doesnt seem to be abused in her relationship.  i can only suggest although you dont support the marriage you should support her – being military she will be moving away and living with him once they are married, let her know she will have a safe place to land when/if it falls apart.  goodluck, its nice that you care about her so much

Post # 12
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@greenmint:  Her brother’s are particularly concerned about this physical stuff, but no one wants to be negative, and it’s hard to know what to say.



Wow. When you see him throwing her around, that’s when you say something. That’s when a brother steps in and beats the ever-loving shit out of this douchebag. 

No one wants to be negative……….so wait till he moves her away, she’s isolated, far from friends and family, and he can do whatever he wishes.

I can’t believe the parents/siblings aren’t clamoring over themselves to stop this farce.

Post # 13
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I don’t approve of my SIL’s engagement as well. For different reasons. I just had to remove myself from the situation. I don’t really interact with her outside of extended family events now. I know I will say something I regret if I pretend to be happy for her.

Good luck. I wish I had better advice for you, but so far removing myself from the situation has been working for me.

Post # 14
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yep same situation over here but its not your place to tell her. If you like HER then i say go to one show or venue and leave it at that. They sound like a bunch of kids horseplaying, harmless, but not what mature adults do. Say something if it bothers you so much! If not youre going to have to avoid her until they break up or get married!!

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