- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2011
I’m sorry, this must be so hard for everyone involved. But thank goodness there’s a lot of time before this wedding takes place.
I know it’s awkward and unpleasant for you, but please don’t withdraw too much. She might need someone to turn to at some point, and especially if she’s pulled away from a lot of her friends it’s possible she could really need you one day. But there’s no way she’ll turn to you with problems if you’ve already distanced yourself.
My advice would be for you and you husband and any other siblings you can get on board to share responsibility for calling this guy out on the hateful racist/sexist/homophobic language he’s spewing. Try to avoid starting a fight/making him out to be worse than he is. But do point it out every time (e.g. “Wow. One of my best friends in highschool was gay and had to hear things like that every day. He still has nightmares about it. I can’t believe you’d seriously say that. You realize that hundreds of people take their own lives every year precisely because of people who say these kinds of things, right?”). Don’t be hostile otherwise–you don’t want to make her take sides or make him feel unwelcome when he’s not being a gigantic bigot–but your goal should be to try to get him, and more importantly her, to actually think about what he’s saying and what sorts of people say those things. Hopefully he will at least tone it down around you; possibly he will even realize that it’s not okay or it will start to dawn on her that he’s a dickwad.
Don’t confront her or start bashing him or anything, but do try to be a sounding board for her and maybe gently ask if they’ve talked about x or y (what she thinks he’d do if they had a child who was gay; whether it bothers her that he talks about his mom that way, etc). Perhaps you could tell her that you’re just not that into weddings since you’ve been married for a while, and that you’re saving all your enthusiasm for the year before the wedding, but you’d love to do other girl things sometimes (pedicures/coffee/lunch occasionally)?