(Closed) I don't dream about marriage and babies. Would I ever change?

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Growing up I knew I never wanted children. It’s not something I ever saw for myself, and children just don’t fit into my life plan. I also never thought I’d get married. I didnt see a traditional relationship working for me. 

I still am absolutely sure I don’t want children, but I am getting married in April. I met a man who shares the same values as I do, who makes my heart feel full, and who doesn’t want children either (he got a vasectomy last May, so being child-free won’t change, no matter how disappointed my mother is). I don’t feel like I need to be married to have a fulfilling life, but at this point in my life I think having a commitment ceremony with my friends and family there is a beautiful thing, so I’m going with it.

You need to do what is right for your life. If you don’t know yet, that’s ok. But I do think you need to express all of this to your partner. If having children and getting married are essentials for him, then he has a right to know it might not happen with you. That might mean he decides to leave, and  while I’m sure that’s a really difficult thing, it would ultimately be the better decision for both of you. 

Post # 17
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

You should only do what you feel comfortable with, and more importantly, what you want to do. Feeling pressured into marriage and/or children has led to many an unhappy life. Just. Don’t. Do it.

Don’t get married or have kids to appease him. This is your life, too. If you aren’t on the same page, or don’t have the same goals, then sadly it will mean you should end the relationship. BUT, it will give both of you the chance to life the life you want.

I do want to share that perhaps you may want these things, just not with him. All my life, I absolutely never wanted kids. And then I met my husband, and found my thoughts changing. I worked through the reasons why I didn’t want kids… and found that those reasons were purely based in fear of a few specific things that would not be applicable to our relationship. Now, I am really looking forward to raising a child with him.

So, maybe you’re just deep down feeling that this isn’t the person you want to spend the next 60+ years with, or raise a child with. That’s okay! You don’t have to.

Post # 18
Member
8007 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It’s more than finding a great guy–it’s finding the right guy at the right time. You can be with a really great guy who is not the right guy because you don’t want the same things. You can be with someone who wants what you want, but on different schedules so still not the right guy.

Don’t compromise yourself to match someone else’s dream–it rarely works out. There is nothing wrong with choosing to not have children, there is nothing wrong with taking the time you need to figure out what is right for you. If this man, as wonderful as he may be, isn’t comfortable with that he’s not the right guy for you. 

Post # 19
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Gorse Hill, Surrey, UK

I always wanted to get married but I’ve never wanted kids. I’m 30 this year and occasionaly I’ve had thoughts and feelings about babies, and I’m worried I might change my mind, but i’m pretty sure its just hormones talking and I’m set in my decision that they are just not for me. I probably could change my mind, but I don’t want to change my life the way it is now. It’s completely up to you what you want to do, and there is no right or wrong way, just YOUR way. I wouldn’t see marraige as a big deal if thats what your boyfriend wants as ultimately it doesn’t really change your relationship very much but might give you financial benefits. Babies on the other hand change everything, so I would sit down and talk to him about your feelings and make sure you are both on the same page.

Post # 20
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
jweddingbee :  I’ve just never wanted them. I never had that desire to have babies or be pregnant and the thought of it just grosses me out. I don’t like being around kids plus I’ll admit I love the freedom of not having one, the extra money, the ability to not worry, and not having the responsibility on raising one. Plus, my life is fulfilling as is!

Some people want to have a ton of kids, some people want none.

Post # 21
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I do agree with stacylynn313 in that not everyone wants kids, or changes. I know a lot of couples who are childfree by choice. Its perfectly fine. I was one untl a few months ago, being able to do what we wanted when we wanted and not have to worry about kids, and not deal with the financial cost it takes to raise them. 

I am one who changed. DH (who is 9 years older) wanted kids when we first got together. We have waited over 10 years now. In that time he has not regretted waiting for them. Hes a bit concerned about being so old now having a first child (42), but will just be glad to do it – some people unfortunately dont even get that chance. 

I think you have a lot of things to get through still, 6 years ago was totally different for me too. My mindset is totally different. And a strong relationship is one where both people are committed and willing to compromise and move forward. A one sided relationship is not strong. So if he really is a good match for you, he will understand you and still wait for the kids. And if they never come, then you two will come to that point together eventually, after seeing life as childfree. 

 

Post # 22
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You might or you might not. I wasn’t interested till I was 30. It helped that a lot of people in my circle were in their early or late 30’s before having a baby. I’m not a babt person and never really wanted a kid. DH and I decided to have one child. Our baby girl is 3 months old now. Perfectly happy with our choice of one and done. 

Talk and compromise? If you both feel strongly though you both might begin to resent the other if ideas/goals do not change – so I would think about the long term and both of you and your expectations. 

 

 

<footer class=”social-row”>
<div class=”likes bbp-admin-links “> </div>
</footer>

Post # 23
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee

THIS: “To me, respecting his wishes means recognizing that they don’t match your own and moving on. If you’re not in agreement to that but stringing along the relationship, you’re keeping him from reaching his own goals. Don’t feel bad about letting him go.” 

You are well within your rights to not want kids or marriage. He’s within his to want those things. I think you’re fundamentally incompatible and will resent each other if either of you sacrifices those basic desires to stay together. It’s unfortunate that you didn’t come to those realizations together until recently, but I do think that you should cut the losses and both move on. In the future, have convos about long-term goals early.  

Post # 24
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

I’m going to dissent from those here who seem to be telling the OP that she should take her time to “figure herself out”.

She absolutely has the right to not want children and not feel pressured into having them, but her SO wants kids, and that’s his right, too. I don’t think she should string him along indefinitely because she can’t decide what she wants. Really, if the situation were reversed, she wanted kids and he wasn’t sure (especially given their ages), people would be accusing him of being immature and not giving her a straight answer. Would they not?

It concerns me a little that OP is almost 30 and “changes her mind frequently” on two of the most humongous decisions one can make in one’s life. I get the impression that she is a late bloomer, which is totally fine, but she probably ought to decide relatively soon if she wants these things at all, because realizing you want something and actualizing it don’t often happen in immediate succession.

Just my $0.02.

The topic ‘I don't dream about marriage and babies. Would I ever change?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors