(Closed) I don't even know what to titke this, but its going to be a long one

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are overreacting and being needy. If his back was hurting and he wanted to wait in the car that should have been fine. Shopping for shoes is not quality time with your partner. Put things in perspective for him. Let him have his space and just move forward. 

Also i dont know why you needed to give him a BJ to make up for this. Saying sorry was enough now just give him time to move past it. 

Post # 4
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Queenbee84:  ((BIG HUGS))  First of all, I’m so sorry you’re feeling sad and upset. 

It seems as though you and your Fiance are having some serious communication issues.  You’ve reached out to him to talk and been rejected, which is tough and hurts like hell, I know.  (Reminds me of my ex). 

His behavior is called “stonewalling;” you probably already know this since you have a therapist.  It is extremely difficult to deal with someone who puts up communication barriers.  All I can recommend is letting him know things have gotten to a level that your relationship is causing you pain too often and it needs to be addressed.

You can do your part, and it sounds like you have, but you can’t force him to do his part.  If he continues to push you away you may want to ask yourself how healthy is this relationship for you, and how happy do you see your future being with him? 

Edit to add:  Based on the responses you’re getting I want to say I don’t think you are being overly insecure on your own – I think his behavior towards you is making you feel insecure – and that’s different from being an overly insecure, needy person.  OP, only you can know if you are really being overly insecure or needy. 

I mean, face it people, all human beings are “needy,” it is called BEING HUMAN.  All human beings have needs; nothing wrong with that and nothing to be ashamed of. 

I understand this:  Your Fiance could take the time to spend comforting an ex-girlfriend when she was sick, even though he has back trouble.  But he can’t take the time to spend a few minutes with you to help you pick out some new winter boots?  That sucks and I would be pissed off, too.  Why does his sick ex need him, anyway?  I mean, how sick is she?  Is this terminal cancer we’re talking about or just a cold or the flu? 

Post # 5
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think that sometimes we can use the phrase “this hurts me when you do that” as an excuse to make it someone else’s problem to fix.  I know that I’ve done it.  But sometimes we just shouldn’t be so sensitive as to get hurt when our SO does certain things. 

I agree with the PP that you may have overreacted to this one.  That said, you can still talk to him about how you want to spend quality time together and would like to make that a priority somehow. 

Post # 6
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree with the previous poster.Stop trying so hard,that can be irritating.You apologized and that is enough.Just let it go.

Post # 7
Member
46375 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Frankly, I don’t know too many men who would want to go shoe shopping.

I agree with the pp. I also don’t understand why you are using a tactic of buying his forgiveness ( blow job, gift card etc) or why it would be necessary.

Post # 8
Member
5963 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Gear down Big Shifter!

He went and helped out a friend in need, your insecure, that’s YOUR problem, his back hurts, you wanted him to watch you try on snow boots, the two of you got into a dust up, missed a movie, made up and now comes the best part…forget about it!

Stop kissing his ass, couples fight, they argue, they get on each other’s nerves, they get distant, super annoyingly needy, shrink your clothes in the dryer and don’t tell you and eat all of the birthday cake you were saving for breakfast.

Just leave him alone …stop talking about the relationship and get on with BEING in it already…why is every woman compelled to TALK everything to death…Mr. 99 said it perfectly when he told me the two scariest things a woman can say are:

1.  I’m pregnant.

2.  We need to talk.

Give your guy a real break, go buy the Indiana Jones trilogy, some hot wings and a sixer of beer, sit down and watch Indie do what he does best while you grill your tonsils with hot sauce and soothe them with suds..have some freakin fun…you two missed the movie over your fight, make up for it and get back to doing the things you BOTH can enjoy. 

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Nona99:  I always LOVE your posts and the way you look at things.  Awesome. 🙂  You keep it real, girl. 

Post # 10
Member
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Is it possible that he is withdrawing becuase he is in pain? I’ve had severe back pain before and it made me into someone who I didn’t like very much. It seems to me that the pain is something he needs to address with is doctor. You guys also sound like you need to work on your communication.

Post # 11
Member
5963 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Sunfire:  Mr. 99 and I are veteran fighters…I always like the part where we cautiously, but oh so deliberately re-connect, in our small ways atone for the god awful things we may or may not have said, and metaphorically doctor the fight bites and black eyes from yet another, totally idiotic argument that was so stupid, we can’t even remember what started the whole thing….it’s probably one of my favorite things about being married….Mr. 99 may be a lot of things, dull and predictable is not one of them!

Post # 12
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Nona99:  LOL well said +1 and so true haha

“the two scariest things a woman can say are”:

1.  I’m pregnant.

2.  We need to talk.

Post # 13
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Nona99:  i love how you put that 🙂 

Post # 14
Member
4891 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

@julies1949:  

@Nona99:  +1 to both. 

OP, I think you’re overreacting, and trying to buy his affection is a little… odd. He’s probably over the argument already and getting annoyed with how needy you’re behaving.

Also, just because he was okay to walk around Best Buy doesn’t mean his back was fine 10 minutes later. I have back problems, and sometimes they just hit me out of nowhere. It happens. 

Post # 15
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Nona99:   Haha!  My husband and I don’t ever really fight, so I don’t have the same experience.  But, I swear, if we ever do get in a fight you are going to be the very first person I turn to for advice!!!!  🙂

Post # 16
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This happens to me.  I tend to get seasonal depression during late fall, and I end up in funks.  I feel like no one really cares about me or particularly likes me, and I am just a burden.  I withdraw, and then I get angry when people let me withdraw.

It’s a terrible cycle that I’ve been battling for years.  But with work, it gets better.

First, you have to keep reminding yourself that as mad as you are, this is temporary.  Whatever you are currently feeling will pass, so for now you have to just reign it in enough that you don’t do anything you will regret. 

Second, you have to keep reminding yourself that right now you aren’t you.  You are getting mad at things that normal you wouldn’t be mad about.  It’s all in my head, and once I come out the other side, things will be better.  I will be better.

Third, smile.  Even when you don’t feel like it.  Smiling, even when you don’t feel like it, is a mood lifter.  It helps a lot.

When I am in an angry fit, it’s very often that I will yell, “I’m just mad!  I’m not mad at you.  I’m not mad at anything you’ve done.  I won’t even be mad in an hour.  I’m just angry right now!  And it’s not your fault!”

Fiance has learned to just let me have space at that point, since in an hour I’ll be back to being loving and have stopped crazying up the joint.

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