(Closed) I don't even know what to titke this, but its going to be a long one

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
9976 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Queenbee84:   I really wish you all the best!

Post # 19
Member
379 posts
Helper bee

I can see both sides of this. And I don’t really think that this was about the shopping at all: it seems more to do with the issue of him visiting his ex-girlfriend. While every relationship is different, I have to admit that I wouldn’t like this and unless there were very exceptional circumstances, then I would not be OK with this. Was he really really the ONLY person who could help? So personally I would’t be happy with this.

I do think that your behaviour is a bit needy, but I also think that it’s come about as a result of him pulling away from you somewhat. IMO there is responsibility on both sides, and I do not think that you should be doing all the apologising!

Post # 21
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I agree that you should just give him space and stop sucking up to him. When my Fiance and I fight, I withdraw from the situation completely. Which usually means me going to our bedroom and drawing to get my mind off of things, or reading. Within 5-10 minutes he’s always back up in my face being all lovey dovey or saying he’s sorry for whatever we argued about. So if you give him space, he will come back. But you don’t have to try to win him over after a spat. In fact, things turn out for the better if you don’t most of the time. Just give him and yourself space.

Post # 22
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Eckle:  I have to wonder about this too.  I was in a pretty shitty car accident years and years ago, and I suffer from chronic back/neck/shoulder pain.  When the pain gets out of control – I’ll admit – I’m a BITCH sometimes.  Thankfully my husband understands and knows when it’s the pain speaking.  Being in constant pain is absolutely draining, emotionally and physically.  Perhaps he’s in more pain than you know/think.  It’s hard to be wonderful when you’re focussing all your time on trying not to cry.

That said, you acted needy or whatever, you apologized, and now you’re giving blow jobs to make it ok.  You didn’t kill someone here, for gods sake you apologized already. Stop grovelling and let him get over it.  You said sorry, had sex, gave a bj, said sorry some more.  Time for him to put on big boy panties and get over it on his own.  It’s not like being sensitive is unforgivable. Especially if he’s asked you to tell him when you’re feeling this way.

Post # 23
Member
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@lia22:  I herniated a disc at 21 by falling on ice covered concrete. It healed in such a way that my sciatic nerve is always slightly pinched. I’ve learned stretches that can loosen it up so it’s only a dull ache, but if I’ve been doing something strenuous or I get tense from being stressed it pinches worse. The first several months after I had the accident the pain ran all the way down to my knee constantly. The pain was exhasting and it turned me into a major bitch because I had such a short fuse. I actually started to lose friends from the way I was behaving. I started seeing a chiropractor which made a huge difference in the amount of pain I was in.

@Queenbee84:  OP has your Fiance ever been to a chiropractor? It can take a few tries to find one you click with, but being properly adjusted can make a huge difference in back pain. Another thing that my parents have found to be very beneficial is an inversion table. My dad has arthritis in his spine and this makes him feel a lot better.

Post # 24
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Eckle:  my injuries also sometimes pinch that nerve, goes all the way down my right leg.  It’s excruciating.  I have also found that a chiropractor is my BFF in times of need. I also have an inversion table, in my bedroom – it’s fantastic for relieving pressure.

Post # 25
Member
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@lia22:  I wish I had room for an inversion table in my apartment.

Post # 26
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I completely understand why you did all of those nice things, because you wanted him to feel cared for and thought of and not just something to drag around to the shoe store. 

But as other Bees have said it is now time to give him some real space (one day is not going to be long enough for everyone). Just go about things as you normally would and he will come around.

You hinted that he doesn’t do anything to actually help his back pain. In say, two weeks time perhaps you could suggest going to a doctor/chiropractor/physio to get it looked at? 

Post # 28
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Queenbee84:  OP, I don’t mean to be harsh, but to “give someone space” you don’t have to tell that that you are giving them space!! In fact, don’t tell them! Telling them is the exact opposite of actually giving them space. You are saying that you are, but you aren’t really.

 Ideally, if you had just come home, said hello and then gone about your own business (laundry, surfing the web, whatever!) THAT would have been giving him space. You don’t always need to give him physical space, just head space. Rather than saying “we’ll talk when you are ready” – which in itself is pressure, just not focusing on the problem (saying hello and moving on) is giving him head space. 

DO NOT text him, let him contact you first. Just enjoy being with your mum and know that you will both get past this  and fix it – LATER! Not now, not tomorrow, later. After he’s calmed down, after YOU have calmed down. 

Post # 29
Member
379 posts
Helper bee

I’m still on your side with this one, OP… if it wasn’t for the visiting-the-ex business, I’d be seeing it more from his point of view, but there’s something about this situation, which seems to me to run as follows:

1. He visits his ex, even though you clearly and directly tell him this bothers you.

2. You plan a date. He is looking round his shop but when you ask him to go to your shop, he says he’s not well enough. (I DO understand that illness can flare up, but personally I think that there’s an underlying issue going on here).

3. He calls you crazy.

4. You ‘make up’ and you apologise a zillion times. He is distant.

5. You offer to leave. He agrees that it’s best for you to leave the house rather than talking things through.

Now I know I am seeing this mainly from your perspective, but I’d be furious by this point.

If you want to make things up/get him back, then the main thing that I advise is to LEAVE HIM ALONE: don’t call, don’t e-mail, just leave him. But if I was in your situation, I would also be evaluating the relationship itself. That ex business would really bother me… not only for its own sake, but for the fact that he KNEW that you were uncomfortable with the situation and carried on regardless.

Post # 30
Member
379 posts
Helper bee

PS For those people who have chronic pain, I apologise if I seem insensitive to how debilitating that it can be. I’m not trying to belittle her fiance’s back pain… but I honestly think that there’s more going on here than just the OP not understanding that he is in pain.

Post # 31
Member
9976 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@visorgirl:  +1.  I agree with everything you’ve said, something underlying is definitely going on.

@Queenbee84:  He should have been the one to leave, not you.  I don’t even understand that updated scenario.  He’s acting like an ass and not talking to you, and you’re the one leaving your own apartment?  (Are you kidding me?!)

Take control of your own life!  You’re letting him have way too much power in this situation.  YOU be the one to start making the decisions that affect YOUR life.  Don’t wait on him!!  He’ll never respect you if you keep being “weak” like this and allowing him total control of how this relationship goes. 

It’s time to start putting your foot down and making some requests and respectful demands  for healthy communication and connection.  Unless you’re enjoying being someone else’s pawn, that is.

Edit to add:  And another thing you said that burns me up . . .  (hehe) . . . OP, you said you’re going to wait and “hope” it works out.  AARRRGGHHHH!!!  HE should be the one worrying and hoping it’s going to work out!!!  Why are you allowing someone to have this much power over you?  In my world, this guy  would be the one shaking in his boots wondering and waiting and worrying, sure as hell not me.  

Listen to these ladies, they are giving you some great advice – If you have a fight with a man and took the high road and apologized, then the burden is on HIM to be a man about it and either accept your apology or discuss it further, not stonewall you and manipulate you by making you wait and worry what’s going on with him.  Screw that!  It’s emotional abuse at best.  His behavior says he doesn’t care about your relationship very much.

 

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