(Closed) I don't even know what to titke this, but its going to be a long one

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I know whenever me and my SO fight, I dont talk to him until he talks to me. I find that if I beg for his attention, it comes off desperate – and no one likes that. 

Post # 33
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999
Post # 34
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

wait, what?! Just read the update – he made you leave your shared home?  No, no no.  I’m sorry, but that’s not cool. He’s being a little bitch. This is not how adults solve problems! 

You teach others how to treat you.  Right now, you’re teaching him that you will take the blame for everything even when you did nothing wrong, you’ll cater to his every whim, even when he’s the one overreacting.

I’ve been you before! It stems from insecurity and being so afraid of someone leaving you that not matter how they treat you, you’ll do anythihng to make them stay.  You can’t truly love someone and be in a healthy relationship until you are no longer afraid to lose the person!  Sure, if I lost my Fiance I’d be devastated, but I know I’d move on and be okay, so I don’t feel the need to walk on egg shells or treat him like a king when HE overreacts about something little I do – being able to do this is having self confidence and self respect and both of those things are necessary for a happy healthy relationship.

Post # 36
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Queenbee84:  + 10 to all this

I used to freak everytime Fiance and I got into a fight because I was so afraid he would leave me. I wouldn’t even tell him when something bothered me because I was afraid to upset him.  He wasn’t in anyway abusive and never threatend to leave, he was actually a very good boyfriend but I was still so scared.  It was only when I realized that if he did leave I would be devestated but would eventually be okay.  Our relationship is so much better now that I feel comfortable opening up.  You really need to start sticking up for yourself OP and if that pushes him away then he isn’t right for you.  I go through very emotional times and at first it was hard on our relationship but once Fiance realized that I all I need was a little extra love and attention everything was fine because he wanted me to be happy and even though it was frustrating he did his best to understand that sometimes I just can’t control how emotional I am sometimes.

Post # 37
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2019 - City, State

Is there any chance that he took the “I’m going to give you space” as a breakup speech from you, and that’s why he asked you to leave? Because sometimes people do break up by saying they want space or they’re going to give the other person space. I agree with tickles–actually giving space isn’t really something you announce, it’s just going off and doing your own thing (read, play video games, etc.–the day you went out with friends was the right idea) for a while so they can relax. 

 

As for the back, what happens at stores is that walking around on those hard floors (there’s concrete underneath) exacerbates any back/foot/knee/whatever issues you may be having, and it gradually gets worse all day, so he might well have been fine earlier in the day and hurting later.

 

Anyway, I agree with tickles, give him some actual space. From here, I can’t tell whether he’s genuinely shady with the ex or just exasperated with the fighting, but I’d say reconnect in a day or two when you’re both calm.

Post # 38
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

As a person who suffers from terrible back pain:

I don’t know how bad his injury was, how it lingers with him, or how terrible the flare-ups are. But as someone whose bad back flares up so terribly that my husband literally has to carry me to bed because simply standing can cause me to break in to tears and collapse – try to be understanding. Back pain is a fickle, unpredictable bitch. Yes, he should do what he can to help himself (he’s an adult after all). But just understand that depending on the issue, even taking extra measures such as physical therapy, medication, whatever, can still fail you and the pain can flare at the drop of a hat….again, depending on your issues.

Yeah, he could have just been making an excuse and you both were just having a bad day. But in the event that it’s legitimate and he is feeling pain, even if he spent 12 hours in Best Buy feeling great and suddenly is in too much pain to attend to you, know that it isn’t always a controllable situation and can take an emotional toll on you. Again, this is coming from someone who has been known to get cranky and pull away from my partner when several weeks of on-and-off mild to moderate pain has caused me to throw in the emotional towel. Chronic pain is a heavy burden.

Post # 39
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Queenbee84:  

Please remember OP not to get angry about his him seeing his Ex last Saturday. You did not ask him not to go, you simply told him it made you anxious. There will be many times in a relationship when one partner does something which the other does like, but is still ok with letting them go do (anything from dinner with an opposite sex co-worker to sky diving to tattoos. 

If you have now decided that it makes you so anxious that you are asking him not to go, then that is ok. But be sure not to get angry at him for his past visits because you were ok with them at the time. You cannot get angry retroactively. 

It might help to picture his back pain as something akin to period pain or labor – pain which we woman get very angry at men for when they belittle it and dismiss it, which is ludicrous because they will never have any idea what it feels like. I would guess and say that he is extremely hurt but your lack of empathy for his pain (though I can completely understand why you wanted him to come with you etc) and perhaps mulling over the “in sickness” part of the vows you are going to take. Especially given that he has been so supportive in the past of your own anxiety etc. It must really hurt for him to feel that he was always there and understanding and you have not been.

I really truly hope that it goes well for you and that he was just having an awful week. 

The topic ‘I don't even know what to titke this, but its going to be a long one’ is closed to new replies.

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