I don't feel "married"

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
2823 posts
Sugar bee

Most of the behaviours themselves don’t seem that terrible to me – I’m a bit more social than my husband so sometimes when we go out I want to stay out with my friends after he’s ready to go home. It’s not a big deal to us at all, we just cab home separately. I also go out with my friends without him lots and almost all of our trips are with family or friends etc.

I wonder if now that you’re married he has a bit of a sense of your relationship being ‘buttoned away.’ I know that in my marriage we spend SO much time together already that it seems like more work to maintain my relationships with friends and family than it is to maintain ours. I actually see our ability to socialize separately as a strength in our relationship. 

The fact that this is new and something you don’t like though definitely means you need to have a discussion with him about it. him shutting you out of convos with random ladies rubs me the wrong way as well. It’s often not just about the acts themselves, but if you’re feeling overall neglected then it’s definitely something that needs to be worked on. 

Post # 32
6538 posts
Bee Keeper

What a shitty situation, Bee.

First, hold off on the babymaking. Way, way off.

I’d tell him you would like to cancel this trip–you planned to use your time off and your financial resources to spend time with him and instead he is planning a vacation with others. 

Second, you need to be able to schedule date nights for just the two of you that are separate from friend nights. Then, on friend nights, if you’re ready to go home and he isn’t one of you can grab an uber and everyone is happy.

Have you told him how it makes you feel when he makes a point of telling you how much he enjoys his conversations with these other intelligent women while ignoring you? Nobody should be that clueless and he’s sounding like an ass. 

Was he ready to be married? He seems to be rebelling at the white-picket-fenced coupledom. 


Post # 33
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

The fact that your husband changed since you have been married means something in your relationship and interaction has changed or it’s the fact that you are married so he feels secure that you are committed. Normally this would be a good thing, but not if it means he just coasts and becomes negligent/selfish. He needs to know that if he is not a good husband you will leave. It’s a natural consequence to being a poor spouse. Definitely have the preliminary discussions about your concerns if you haven’t. But if it doesn’t affect him, consider rocking his world a bit.

Counseling would be good for situations like this because we, online, are only getting your side of the story. While I’m sure you think you’re objectively relating everything, there’s the chance the advice will not be good with only one side of the story. How would your husband describe the situation in his own words?

Post # 35
593 posts
Busy bee

I think you would both benefit from speaking to an impartial professional and seek couple’s counselling. As PP stated we are only reading your side of the story here so it is hard for us to give advice. It sounds like you both have a communication issue and need to learn how to communicate to one another. I believe communication is so important in the workings of a healthy relationship. 

How old is your DH? It sounds almost like a midlife crisis, like he is fearing getting older and settling down and trying to relive his younger years. I definitely think you should try counselling 🙂 

Don’t let this make you decide you don’t ever want kids. You can’t decide that you never want kids because you’re going through a rough patch with you Darling Husband. If this is what you decide you will end up resenting him, he stopped you from doing something you have always wanted. Definitely hold off TTC right now, but that doesn’t mean hold off forever. You might come out this together stronger and decide to start a family. 

Post # 36
478 posts
Helper bee

thegoodishwife :  Hey, bee. Nothing to add here, really. I’m just sorry that you are in this unpleasant situation. Your husband telling you that he’s “got one life” and plans to enjoy it is a bit of a red flag for me because he has elected to share his life with you and that means compromising.

Tbh, I am totally with you. I would not want to have children with someone who occassionally did drugs either.

I hope you guys are able to work it out and find some common ground.

Post # 37
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

This sounds familiar. One of my sisters went through this with her husband. Right after they got married they went on a mini trip. She felt completely ignored. They stayed with 2 college friends of both of them. She said you would never be able to tell who was her husband out of the 3 because he treated her just like the two guy friends they were staying with. When she came home the following day she sat him down and told him how she felt and how if anyone saw them on this trip they would look like 4 friends and would be shocked they were married. She said she didn’t want to have kids with someone who is not going to make her a priority. She also told him that she wants to show her children how a husband treats his wife. Her conversation was short, she gave specific examples and she made it all about her feelings. He started tearing up and didn’t realize what he was doing. He did change and they are doing great. It wasn’t an overnight turnaround. She had to guide him just a little, but he loves her so much that he was willing to do anything. 

Post # 38
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Respectable people can also smoke weed. Your judgment here is uncalled for.

That aside, it’s a red flag that you tried to discuss this and he became defensive. You should be able to share your feelings without feeling like you’re doing something wrong. He also never addressed basically ignoring you for other women or inviting other people along on your trips. Where does he stand on those things?

All of that concerns me more than someone who wants to take a few puffs of a joint every now and then.

Post # 39
664 posts
Busy bee

This sounds like a life-stage crisis. I think he’s trying to buck what his expected role is in life. Everybody expects a married man to buckle down, dutifully come home every night, be boring, and “whipped.” I think he’s trying to convince himself that this is not true by going out more and being a worse partner. “See guys? I’m not whipped, I can stay as late as I want even if she wants to leave,” he thinks. 

I don’t think his poor behavior has to do with you per say so I don’t know if there’s much you can do with it. Just hope that he calms down as doesn’t make any big or bad life choices. 

I agree that you should leave when you want to leave but maybe you should take the car rather than taking two cars. Leave him alone for longer and he will probably drink more heavily than I’d you weren’t around, making driving more dangerous. 

Post # 40
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

thegoodishwife :  If Divorce is not an option don’t even do what @xdanielle suggest. It could either backfire completely (he leaving you) or he would clearly see the bluffing (making you feel more helpless).

I agree with pp that you need some individual therapy. He sounds like he is 100% clear on what he wants out of his life, and it just happens that is NOT what you want from your life. You need someone to discuss what your next steps are -especially since you seen willing to put up with it forever. If he agrees to couples therapy that would be great (along with your individual therapy) but be aware that couples therapy is not a magic trick that suddenly solves all your marital problems -most often than not, it just sheds a new light on a problem forcing people to find solutions (even if these mean breaking up).

Post # 41
2102 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Hmm, the smoking weed thing wouldn’t bother me. It’s legal in many states and it’s really no different IMO than alcohol which is a perception-altering substance as well. 

But the part where he seems to take you entirely for granted and put everyone else first would definitely bother me. I used to feel that way in my marriage. It was a constant push-pull dynamic and just frustrating. We’re divorced now. My current partner very clearly and automatically prioritizes me in front of everyone else. Not because he thinks he should, but because he WANTS to. Of course we still have separate lives, and we also have important relationships with friends, family, work, etc. But I come first for him, and vice versa. I can’t tell you how refreshing and easy and natural our relationship is because of that. It doesn’t have to be the way that you describe.

I think counseling is a good idea for you two, since you’re very clearly on two separate pages and not feeling fulfilled. 

Post # 42
1923 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would never bluff about leaving someone. If you will leave if certain things don’t change, yes, communicate that. If you have no plans on leaving, don’t bluff, essentially lie, to your spouse. If he calls you out on it, and you don’t go through with it, you lose standing and he’ll never believe you again. You lose your self respect too.

I agree based on your update that counseling is a good next step.

And don’t feel bad for being angry that your spouse not only smoked weed, but lied about it. Some PPs will be offended and post that you’re being judgmental, likely because they themselves smoke. That’s their prerogative, just as it’s yours to not want to be with someone who does. People have differing opinions about drugs; I’m of the zero tolerance policy, but I respect that others are not. But you do not have to be okay with someone smoking weed, even if it’s just a few puffs every now and then. You’re not okay with it, and that’s your personal choice. Your husband lying to you about his habits took away your choice to decide if you were okay marrying someone who does drugs.

Post # 43
2509 posts
Sugar bee

Definitely don’t bluff. Bluffing is a manipulation tactic. Manipulating others is controlling behavior and it will almost always backfire and make you miserable.

I’m with PP who don’t think smoking a j once or twice a year is a hangable offense.

Pot is legal where we live, and Fiance and I have “edible nights” a couple times a year when we just stay in and have a loving, laugh-filled night together. He also smokes a tiny bit every once in a blue moon with friends.

It’s FAR better than a night out drinking, as we don’t lose the entire next day to hangovers, and we can still go to the gym and be productive. And we are both busy professionals who gym 3-4 times a week, eat healthy, and are moral. Imbibing pot doesn’t make one a deadbeat.

I suspect a LOT more people around you are smoking who you “wouldn’t expect it of,” and just don’t mention it around you because you have such strongly held (and seemingly judgmental) beliefs on the topic. 

That is not to say that I’m on your DH’s side.

Lying to you and hiding it from you, and all these other behaviors that are adding up to a picture of a man trying to buck his husband “role”… everything screams that he’s having some sort of identity crisis and needs therapy ASAP. 

And getting defensive… that’s ALWAYS a bad sign. That’s treating you like an opponent instead of as a teammate, which says something about how he views you right now.

He feels attacked by you and like he needs to protect himself from you. None of us can know if that feeling is justified or not. We don’t know what your interaction with him is like.

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