(Closed) I don't know how I should feel

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
2452 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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leya:  He doesn’t owe you a reason and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known his family – their emergencies are still allowed to be privately dealt with. I’ve known my husband and his family since I was 3 years old. I’ve known them 23 years. That doesn’t change the fact that we’ve only been married for 6 months. I wouldn’t impose on my in laws during a medical emergency. My Father-In-Law was in the hospital for a few weeks in the fall. He made it clear he only wanted certain people to visit him and I respected his wishes.

Post # 17
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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SoonAsYouCan:  +100, I would do whatever my SO wanted me to do if there was a family emergency. Be that go with him or stay home – I would not make it about me. 

Many hospitals only allow a small number of visitors at a time so obviously family will get priority over someone that has only Bern dating someone 5 months. 

Without sounding rude 5 months is such a short amount of time (regardless of how long you were friends) and if things like this are causing issues so soon in your relationship I think you should focus more on your stability as a couple and your ability to communicate with each other. Without those things your marriage will be difficult.

Post # 18
1619 posts
Bumble bee

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SoonAsYouCan:  Completely agree.  I have been with my H for almost 14 years (married almost 5) and I would never push to go with him if there was a family emergency.  I love his family dearly, but they still are his family and he has a right to say whether or not I tag along with him to the hospital.

Post # 19
174 posts
Blushing bee

Many hospitals only admit family into the room. so if you went, you’d be in the waiting room. Now instead of focusing on his sick family member, he has to split time between that and checking on you. Even if you didn’t ask him to, most people would. And even if you explicitly say “Don’t worry about me, I’ll entertain myself out here,” well, then you’d just be sitting in the waiting room playing on your phone or reading for hours, and there’s no reason for you to go. If you want to go to show your support, that requires his family to notice you – which requires them to pay attention to you and not the sick relative. So send your get-well wishes via him and keep yourself busy at home So that you don’t think about it.

Also, my family wouldn’t want my BF there just because they wouldn’t want to be seen looking ill and helpless, etc. It’s not about you, it’s about the person who is sick. Let your Fiance have some space to support his family. You are engaged, but being married is about building your own family, not necessarily integrating into his in every situation, so don’t take it personally! =)

Post # 20
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

You say you have known your fiancé for 9 years, and you are now engaged, why isn’t there enough trust in your fiance, when he tells you not to accompany him for these family emergencies? This seems like a conflict of expectations, you expect things to be done together, and he expects things to be done alone, and there is a communication breakdown on his end when he keeps you out of the loop. 

Post # 21
608 posts
Busy bee

I dont think your trippin, I would be a little upset too (obviously in the middle of the emergency isnt the time to mention that though). I can’t think of anyone better to be by my side in the middle of an emergency then my Fiance. This past December his step sister ended up passing unexpectedly and I drove a few states with his immediate family to see her in the hospital. I get whats good for one person isn’t always good for another but if yall are basically married it makes sense to me you would go with him

Post # 22
10524 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

As has been suggested OP, try not to make this about you. The nature of  the emerency may have  been part of the reason ( I dunno,  miscarriage or worse ,or some other intensely  private thing like OD or something)  . 

Myself, I’d  hate it if more than just h. and immediate family  turned up and, as   has been said , what  would  be the virtue of having   you sitting in the waiting area  causing  your Fiance to have to deal with you and your  feelings ?

I think this is perhaps more about your feelings on your  status and  not being fully included in his family  –  perhaps even not being taken too seriously?  ( having been around as a  non Fiance for so long)

You can see from pps  that many of us wouldn’t insist or even expect to be  there in family emergencies  with our husbands of many years unless specificially  asked for .  It all depends on the  persons involved .

I wouldn’t  try and make your Fiance tell you why he didn’t  want you there even, unless the situation really suggests itself .  Give it all time, your present status in the family is very new as yet. And even   when it’s   secure they may still only want immediates  there . My mother would – until she felt halfway presentable that is  –  and she loves my husband.  

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