(Closed) I don't know how to deal with FI's diagnosis – long

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
6013 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with PP you need to get out and tell people that he has an illness.  It will create more of a support system for you both, it sounds like you both need it to be honest.  I’m sure your family would change their tune if they knew, they do sound like they really care about you.   I’m not sure how you have kept it in.  I have no idea what to advise other than that.  I have taken care of my older brother & a great aunt through their losing battles with cancer.  There are times that I wish I had more support, i’m not sure most people know how draining it is to take care of people that are so sick.  

I really would reach out for help, talk to the Dr.s at least and find a support group, there has to be one, and if not, create one online.  I’m sure there are people going through smiliar struggles. 

Post # 17
Member
11734 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sort you’re going through this, it can’t be easy. Have you gotten any indiudual counseling yourself? I think that and more legitimate couples counseling is in order before doing any more wedding planning. Dont feel guilty or selfish for the way you feel – they are completely normal feelings that anyone would have! You just need to work through them to make the right decision for both if you before you tie the knot. An unhappy, resentful wife isn’t what’s best for your fiancé so you shouldn’t stay with him out of guilt. You can still be there as a friend to help and support him. You only have one life to live, so it’s important that you’re happy, too!

Post # 18
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

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blackopbride:  It’s very easy for people to play armchair quarterback and say that they would do this or that. In reality being a full time caregiver is unbelievably hard and changes your life. I know someone who went through this and after 16 months, her partner died. She was also much older than you. 

I don’t know what his diagnosis is and I’m not a doctor anyway. All I know is that you’ve said it will get progressively worse with no hope for recovery. That’s devastating to the both of you. Absolutely you need to consider him but please also consider yourself. I do not recommend staying with anyone for pity and you have a (hopefully) long life ahead of you. That is a lot of years to be bitter and resentful. 

Do people with his diagnosis ever end up in care facilities? If you are the sole financial provider and his condition gets worse, it would be awfully hard for you to leave your job to be a full time caregiver. The change from partner to dependent must be so incredibly challenging and is not something I’d feed equipped to deal with at my age (I’m late twenties). 

No one can tell you what to do but the way I see it is that you both need a support network and that you can’t feel guilty if you need to walk away. That may not be a popular response but you’re already so miserable and while you love him, you don’t sound passionately in love with him. You can still be there for him as a support but I’m not sure I’d be willing to sacrifice my happiness at such a young age either. 

I wish you luck in whatever you decide and I am sorry that this situation none of us ever think will happen has become your reality. 

Post # 19
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

You are NOT a bad person. You have every right to the thoughts and feelings you’re having. I understand you were saying you planned on vows of “in sickness and in health” but from what you’ve said it doesn’t look like there is going to be “in health” just sickness. I get the sense it’s already too much for you and you said it’s only going to get worse. One night my ex husband was late getting home, I thought “maybe he died in a car wreck” and I was elated at the thought. It as that moment I realized something was seriously wrong. He got home and I asked for a divorce. It sounds like it’s time for you to move on. You having thoughts like that isn’t bad, but you staying and resenting him more and more is going to make you miserable.  

Post # 20
Member
436 posts
Helper bee

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blackopbride:  Poor guy… Can’t even imagine the toll this is taking on him. I can absolutely understand your concerns, frustrations and the myriad of other emotions that you must be experiencing.

For me, I don’t think that there is really any diagnosis or injury that my DH could receive (ruling out a sexually-transmitted disease, of course) that could cause me to leave him.  Would it make life very difficult, and cause us to have to adapt to a new definition of what our “normal” would be? Absolutely, but that’s what you sign up for in marriage.

Having said that, you guys aren’t married yet. If you are having difficulty coping with how things are NOW, do you think that you could sustain a marriage when things get worse? Because you have so many areas of concern that stem from this illness, it sounds like maybe you should postpone signing up for a lifetime of it until you see how your relationship progresses. I would not want to be with someone whose love was conditional, but this is very complex and I would certainly understand why that person would be hesitant to move forward. 

 

Post # 21
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

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blackopbride:  I was almost with you thinking how hard it must be until I got to this “I secretly in the darkest places of my mind wish he had a fatal diagnosis so maybe he’s pass away while I was young enough to move on.” Now I feel really bad for him because he is probably thinking he is going to marry someone who loves him not someone who wishes he would die. Do the guy a favor and don’t let him marry someone so horrible. If you really were ready and wanted to marry him, wishing he would die would never cross your mind, even the most secret darkest places. 

Post # 22
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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TattoosAndDiamonds:  I don’t know. I think lots of people think f’ed up things but are too ashamed to admit them. For me, it’s worse to have something like that cross my mind and then judge myself/try to talk myself out of it (i.e., I don’t really think that, do i? What does it mean? I’m a horrible person…) rather than to acknowledge it and let it go. Things lose their power that way. I think what she really means (correct me if I’m wrong) is that it’s overwhelming and it would be easier if she didn’t have to make the decision. Not a flattering thought to have, but I doubt that she meant it literally.

OP – you might want to look into face-to-face family & caregiver support groups. They’ll understand better than anyone else, and lots of people are dealing with – and surviving – these issues.

Post # 23
Member
3211 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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TattoosAndDiamonds:  it is less uncommon than you would think for someone to feel this way about a terminally/severely ill partner.  You really can’t help the feelings you feel sometimes, and I am sure that they are 110% more complex than she was able to express. Being in a tough, overwhelming situation where she is overwhelmed doesn’t make the OP a horrible person!  

 

OP, you need the support of your family and friends. Please talk to your SO about this and why you need them to help you.  Another pp mentioned home care relief, and I would definitely talk to your primary care practitioner about getting a referral for some relief Assistance either on a weekly basis or if it would be possible (between assistance of family, friends and relief assistance) for you to get away for a week or two on a vacation At some point so you don’t feel quite so hemmed in. Hopefully that will recharge your batteries, help you de stress, and return feeling in a frame of mind which is better able to see what solutions would be best for you.

Post # 24
Member
436 posts
Helper bee

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blackopbride:  So I just read this post again. The first time I skimmed over it and replied. The second time, I read the entire thing.

However, once I read: “I secretly in the darkest places of my mind wish he had a fatal diagnosis so maybe he’s pass away while I was young enough to move on.”

What the actual F*, OP?! What a horrible and selfish thing to say. I don’t care what any of the PPs say… I would want every last day, minute and second I can have with my husband. Whether that’s until next year or until I am 50 (when it’s later to “move on”), or am 100. I hope that your Fiance never finds this post. And, I would like to change my prior advice to tell you to do your Fiance a favor and leave him now, as opposed to staying with him and hoping he DIES. Ugh. How HORRIBLE! 

Post # 25
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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Soon2bmarried123:  WTF is wrong with you? Are you so incredibly noble and experienced in this that you really feel that comfortable being such an enormous asshole to OP?

Oh wait, you have NO IDEA how you would feel or react. SO easy to say what you would do when it’s such a far away concept that you can barely wrap your head around it.

Oh but you WOULD leave your SO…if he had an STD. “Of course”. Wow.

What did that post accomplish except to make her feel shameful for expressing herself, her fears, her frustrations? DId you just want to make her feel like shit? Is that productive?

Not only is OP not yet married to this man, but he’s also refusing to let her reach out to their friends and family for support, and guess what? Not everyone is able to handle what she might be expected to handle, and god knows how long this is going to go on. You know what else? You DO NOT KNOW how you would react to or whether you could deal with this situation, you just don’t. You can try to put yourself into the situation all you want but if it happens to you, you wont know what hit you. Get off your high horse. 

Post # 26
Member
436 posts
Helper bee

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turnanewleaf:  Yes, if my DH cheated on me and contracted a contagious disease that put MY life in jeopardy, I would likely leave.

That is NOTHING in comparison to him being diagnosed with an illness (a NON-fatal one at that) and having serious thoughts about wishing he’d just DIE instead. If you, OP or anyone else thinks her way out of a relationship with a man who has sadly acquired a non-lethal medical condition is for him to DIE. Well, that’s just sick. I can assure you that there are NO conditions in which I would ever wish my husband dead before his time comes. None. 

Post # 27
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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Soon2bmarried123:  You honestly have no idea what you’re talking about, I hope you never will, but I think that you’re the horrible person for shaming someone who came here for advise and to express her deep fears and admitted that she “in the darkest places” of her mind wishes this all goes away so that one day, not only his nightmare but also hers can one day be over. 

She isn’t sitting there praying every night that he just go ahead and die already so she can get back into the dating pool, for fucks sake. 

By the way, if my partner were suffering and in pain with no chance of recovery, a shell of his former self, for the rest of his life, I would not so secretly hope that he passes and rests in peace rather than living the rest of his life, and mine, in endless misery. 

I think you ought to spend some time with spouses who are the primary caretakers of their ill partners or even children. You might develop some compassion, and you would definitely come to find that OP’s feelings are not at all uncommon. 

Post # 28
Member
436 posts
Helper bee

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turnanewleaf:  You must be kidding. You think the circumstances in which OP has described justify her hoping her Fiance has a terminal illness, and *I* am the horrible person. Ha! 

For the record, she wishes he had a terminal illness so that he would die and she could move on. There was no mention of any sort of sympathy for the pain that this man was going through. Only how it has affected her. And, while I CAN empathize with how it has affected her, it’s not justification to lose hope in someone who hasn’t yet progressed to the length that he may someday.

He is not a “shell of his former self”. She described a man who has lost his ability to do SOME of the physical things that he used to comfortably do. However, he is still fully functioning emotionally and mentally. NO ONE knows how this man’s illness will progress. I think that wishing he had a TERMINAL illness at this point is just a TAD premature and extreme. 

Post # 29
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Soon2bmarried123:  You come here and take a shit all over someone whose entire life has been flipped on it’s head and who posts so she can have someone, anyone to talk to. Yes, you are the horrible person.

You’re saying that she must – and that you would undeniably – be this man’s caretaker, for the rest of his life. Her life. She must pay all the bills, she must maintain the house, she must take care of him, sounds like she soon might also need to change his diapers. Seriously. And she musn’t wish it was something that would at least eventually end both of their misery because that makes her a horrible person? The guy can’t even shave himself anymore and this seems like it has progressed quickly through their engagement. He must spend weeks recovering from having sex.

Kids? Forget it. Hobbies? No time with a dependent adult at home. Retirement? Nope, the money’s been sunk into caring for SO and being the main or only breadwinner. 

He’s already dependent on her for many things and this has all just begun in the grand scheme of life. Who knows how much further this might progress. Heaven forbid she wish this all goes away. And no, she isn’t going around telling everyone “I wish he’d die already so I can just get on with my life already, yeesh!” – she is admitting it a group of strangers hoping for some support for once, who else do you suppose she can reach out to? Have you never had a thought that you “knew” was “wrong” and just needed to get it off your chest? Never? 

I suspect there was no mention of the pain he was going through because her WHOLE LIFE revolves around him and his pain. When someone is ill, it’s alllll about that person. It’s exhausting to be the support when you don’t have any support. 

Again, I think you need to spend some time with people who are actually in this situation. Even elderly caretakers wait and hope for, and feel such a sense of relief after their dependent parner has passed. Why? Because it is an unending, draining, all-consuming position to be in. If someone who has already lived their life into their old age feel this way, are you really shocked and horrified that a young woman with her whole life in front of her would? 

Have you spent even an afternoon with someone who must care for an adult dependent? It’s exhausting just being around someone feeling so exhausted and hopeless. I can’t even imagine being in their shoes for even a moment. It may very well be more difficult for the caretaker than the dependent. 

There is nothing premature or extreme about her feelings. Seems clear he isn’t going to get better. She is very aware of what her life is like now, and how much more it will likely change in the future. This isn’t a nasty flu, it isn’t even a bout of cancer which at least gives hope for recovery. 

Again, I ask, is your judgment productive? Does it help anyone? Does it serve a purpose other than to be mean and feel smug? 

Post # 30
Member
8031 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Op- you are NOT a bad person for your feelings- they are perfectly normal for a caregiver in your position. Many, many caregivers have prayed “please God, just take my loved one so the suffering ends”. On a separate note, I would suggest you and your Fiance meet with a financial planner who specializes in situations like yours. If your Fiance ever needs round the clock care/ nursing home placement/ medical assistance- you may want to consider marriage vs. not making it legal for financial reasons- sad but practical.

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