(Closed) I don't know how to deal with FI's diagnosis – long

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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ne11y23:  Thank you for such a beautiful and compassionate reply. This is everything I wanted to say and more.

OP, I just wanted to second this and let you know that I don’t at all think you’re selfish. I know everything seems so rushed now, but give yourself the time to process this before making any big decisions. And please please let your friends know. I think you’ll be surprised at how much help they can offer, even if it’s just lending a nonjudgemental ear (the kind you should have gotten here). Good luck with everything.

Post # 62
Member
323 posts
Helper bee

Completely agree with above poster, some of the judgemental comments are disgusting. I know full well I’m going to be attacked over this but –

I think deep down you know what you want and need to do or else you wouldn’t be asking, you stated several times in your original post how much your life is going to change and how much is going to be taken away from you, children, travelling, a life with an equal partner?

I feel terrible for your Fiance, but feel that he’s got his head in the sand over his illness and what it will mean for you if you stay with him, you’re too young to be confined to a life of being his carer, and never being able to fulfill any of your hopes and dreams. Yes it’s horribly unfair what’s happening to him, of course it is. He’s going to miss out on so much, BUT does that mean you also need to? I can’t help but think that if he truly appreciated the sacrifice(and yes, it IS a sacrifice)you’re willing to make for him by marrying him, that he would try to spread his care and lessen the burden on you and show you that it will still be possible to have a normal life with him? We would all like to think that our other halves would look after us in sickness and health in an ideal world, but that’s not real life, the bottom line is – are you willing to sacrifice your quality of life to spend it caring for your FI? Don’t marry him unless you are completely aware and accepting of what this will entail, it’s not fair on him.

If you were older and had the life experiences you wanted and were already married then of COURSE it would be different and the right thing to do would be to care for him, but you’re young, and not married and you have a choice.

I might sound unsympathetic to those who are bashing the OP, I’m really not, life can be so cruel but if my partner was in the OP’s Fiance position then I know he wouldn’t want me to stay, not as his lover/wife anyway if it meant that our relationship would become more carer/friend, and all my plans of travelling, children, living life to the full were taken away, and I also wouldn’t want my Fiance to stay with me if the roles were reversed because I love him too much to see him throw his dreams away to look after me when I couldn’t be the woman he knew and loved.

Unless you and your Fiance can make serious changes with regards to his care which would still let you lead a relatively normal life then I think you need to stop this before you end up 10 years down the line in an unfulfilled marriage based on guilt, resentment and anger. I agree with solo counselling, and reaching out to his family and yours, you are capable of getting through this IF that’s what you want, you need to be completely honest with yourself and know that you are not a bad person for thinking about your own needs over someone elses, you have one life.

Post # 63
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Lubeznik Center for the Arts

I for sure second the idea that you need to “come out” to family and friends about this diagnosis – you need help, and that help, not being responsible for 100% of the care, might be really helpful. 

I would say it’s best to put the breaks on the wedding and think about this for awhile – if I’m being totally honest, I think your feelings may be telling you that “in sickness and in health, until death do us part” isn’t a vow you’re ready to commit to. 

I hope I don’t seem harsh, but this is what I think…best wishes to you both.

Post # 64
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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blackopbride:  I just wanted to say that I’m so extremely sorry for what you are going through. Diagnoses such as these are extremely difficult not only for the person diagnosed, but for those that love them as well.  

Please, please only take the advice of those who have been in a similar situation here, and disregard the rest. It’s very easy for people to cast judgements and ignorant opinions, but nobody will EVER know how they would react to a situation until they’ve been in it. I’ve done things in my life that I would have never thought I was capable of. 

You are a wonderful person, and have clearly taken a lot of time and expended a lot of energy to try and make things work. You clearly love your man. And like any marriage, you want to make sure you are prepared and know what you’re in for. That’s commendable and intelligent. To jump in with both eyes closed would be ignorant, and likely would not end well. 

My prayers are with you, and I hope you can find some peace. 

Post # 65
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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blackopbride:  I don’t have any advice except going to see a counselor on your own to help sort through these feelings. I did want to offer you hugs and tell you to please not listen to the posters saying you are a horrible person. These thoughts are all normal, 100%, but most people would never admit to them because of the harsh judging going on here. So screw them! 

I had a similar situation, although we weren’t engaged, I was hoping we would have been someday. My bf got into a car crash just a week after graduation and ended up with a broken spinal cord and paralyzed from the neck down. He was in the hospital for the entire summer and I stayed up there with his mom sleeping on the floor in the rehab room so we could take shifts caring for him. Let me tell you, I have never done anything so scary, draining, and unfulfilling in my life. I Loved him, but he didn’t love himself and that’s really what made it hard. It wasn’t the feeding him every meal, or turning him hourly to prevent bedsores, or dressing him, or even brushing his teeth. It was the fact that he literally hated himself and everyone around him because of his situation. Just like you there were times in my darkest hour when I thought it would have been easier if he had passed- times when I was just totally spent from being yelled at the entire day for not doing his hair perfect, or being too cheerful around him, or seeing him so down in the dumps it was hard not to cry right then & there. 

I wanted and tried so hard to just bear through it, I was there all summer before college (so about 4 months). I saw his hospital roomates girlfriends all leave them after just a few weeks sometimes and I’ll admit I judged them very harshly, until it was me. In the end I decided I just had to leave him because I just couldn’t see my life continuing on like this forever. Granted, we weren’t as involved as you & your man so it made it easier for me to just walk away. I don’t regret my decision, but I do still feel guilty about it. Sometimes I feel like it was a cop-out and I was being selfish, other times I feel I did what was best for me (and him as well- he has since converted to christianity and called me his Jezebel and that he was glad I left so God could get through to him). Please get some counseling because I know there are so many things going on in your head right now it’s hard to really grasp any of it and give it meaning. You need time to sort through it all with an impartial person. I was in counseling for at least 6 months after I left him just dealing with the judgments in my own head, I got depressed thinking how bad of a person I was for leaving him like that and counseling really helped me see how I made the right decision for me. Like I said, I do still feel guilt sometimes, but it gets easier as time goes on. 

Please also tell your families and friends, they may offer much more support than you both ever imagined. And any help will give you small pieces of your life back and not feel so stuck in place…. 

No matter what you decide to do, please know that the majority of us bees are not judging your decision or thought whatsoever. 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by .
Post # 66
Member
3167 posts
Sugar bee

You have to make the decision that is honest.  You haven’t yet promised ‘in sickness and in health’.  You can only go ahead and marry this man if it is what you truly want to do.  You have to judge this without pity – pity for yourself or pity for him. 

Get as much help as you need.  Take as much time as you need.  Don’t marry this man because you are sorry for him or because you feel guilty.  You can only marry him if you are deeply in love with him. 

Whatever your decision nobody is in a position to judge you.  All we can do is offer you our prayers and a little bit of internet support.

Post # 67
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am sorry you are going through this but maybe you should tell his family and yours. Maybe they can help you. I am sure it is really hard to take care of him plus take care of yourself. I think it would be devistating to him if you left him and where would he go, what would he do? 

Post # 68
Member
10038 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

You need to tell your families. This is too much for just the two of you to bear IMO. I would also suggest if you live anywhere near Mayo Clinic that you call and try to get an appointment.

Post # 69
Member
6 posts
Newbee

Look op apart of the vows you take is in sickness and in health. There is a girl online that stayed with her man after he became paralyzled for life. Unless he cheated and/or gave me an std. I’d stick around but if you just arent up to it, then it isnt fair to him. Let him go. 

Post # 70
Member
6 posts
Newbee

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turtle9748:  i agree op is acting like he’s in a coma. jeez.

Post # 71
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Some of the PPs have said what I have wanted to say but I will agree that NO ONE can judge OP, even if they’ve been in the exact same situation because you just never know.  Even those of you that think you know, you don’t.  And some of you have said what is really key to all of this – how is he dealing with all of this?  If something happened like this to DH and at the root of it all he was still himself personality wise, etc, I am pretty sure I could hang in there BUT when you are faced with someone that is almost a completely different person now because of their diagnosis, that is extremely hard.  Anyone not in this situation can imagine never leaving because they imagine their SO the same just with an ailment or illness but when the core of who they are has changed, it becomes a whole new ballgame.  When you don’t recognize who you are with anymore – not physically, but who they are – attitude, outlook, etc, well, I’d hate for you to ever have to prove the sainthood you are claiming!

OP – Please do be open and honest with friends and family and get counseling for you.  For him too.  I expect he’s not handling any of this well, especially if he’s trying to keep it hidden and that is an absolutely unfair burden on you.  You both need to know exactly what you are dealing with, including support or non-support from others.  Hugs and hopes thing get clearer!

Post # 72
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Plz research and find a Dr. familiar with current use if LDL (low dose neltroxene) as treatment for degenerative autoimmune disease. I am so sorry for both of you and will pray for you.

Post # 74
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Oh and VERY important – have his  free T3 levels checked asap – find a doctor who understands current thyroid treatment  as there is a direct inverse relationship between increase CK in blood  and low t3. Do NOT settle for a simple TSH/T4h thyroid  panel- that is crap and tells you nothing – if any doctor suggests that or tells you otherwise RUN not walk in the opposite direction -they are NOT up to date on their knowledge. Just because a name has Md in front of it plz do not assume they know everything orcan treat anything – there are many many many uninformed and bad doctors out there-  you must find a good one and one who is open minded and STAYS CURRENT ON RESEARCH AND DISEASE DIAGNOSIS AND  MANAGEMENT!! What they did/knew 10 years ago – just like with computers and technology may be unhelpful and in some cases more harmful than good today. 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by majorairhead.
  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by majorairhead.
Post # 75
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I am very sorry to hear about this situation. I know it may feel selfish but you need to consider what path you want your life to take- if that includes children, a career and an equal partner this relationship may not be able to give you all of those things. 

And no, I don’t think you are a horrible person if you do end the relationship. We make choices based on our circumstances and those have changed dramatically for you. 

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