Post # 1
I know how difficult it is to read long posts, so I’m going to try to make this quick. I met my fiance almost 3 years ago. We had a fairly good relationship, but definitely had some big bumps in the road. We get engaged, go to premarital counseling and work on our issues. With the stress of the wedding and working on our relationship, we broke up. It was devestating, but I met someone and dated him for a few months. He was great and did a lot of the things that my fiance didn’t do. However, fiance came back into picture and I decided that it was worth another shot. The second time around, which was really only 2-3 months later, has proven to be wonderful. We still have things to work on, but things aren’t nearly as bad as they were and all of my newlywed friends say its normal growing pains. The problem is, I still can’t seem to get the other guy out of my head and it makes me question whether my fiance is really the one. Am I glamarizing this guy because our dating was so new and things are always great when they’re new or is this a sign that my fiance is not the one (because why would I be thinking about someone else so much).
Post # 3
New relationships are always exciting and fun. You only see the good sides of someone in the beginning. Yes, it is possible that you are glamorizing the other guy. You haven’t been through much with him.
But I think it is important for you to separate the two issues in your head.
“The one” doesn’t exist in my opinion. It’s about having a great relationship and deciding that you want to make it work for better or for worst with someone. There will be times where you won’t feel as much in love as in the beginning; and you might even be tempted by other people around. But marriage is about that choice that you made and putting all your energy in that relationship.
It’s about stopping to look for someone better once you made that choice, because you realize that you are in a great relationship that you want to nurture. Could you be happier with someone else? Maybe… But if you focus on your relationship and he does the same, you shouldn’t even want to find out the answer to that question.
So, question is: are you happy in your relationship? Are you happy enough that you WANT to stop looking for something better because you don’t think it’s possible? If you are not willing to let other possibilities go, then maybe you’re not ready for marriage with your boyfriend.
If you do not think you want to go through life with him, then think about that other guy. But don’t mix the two together..
Post # 4
It’s not so wrong to have another person in the picture, especially if you’re not sure guy #1 is “the one” Just don’t get married until you’re 1000% positive.
Post # 5
Well….I’m not 10000% positive and I’ve never felt 1000% positive On the other hand, I’ve never felt 1000% positive about anything. I always feel there are good decisions and bad decisions with pros and cons to both (usually). So am I pretty sure, yes. If I had to put a number on it I would say 92.5% (weird, I know).
Post # 6
@egb: I love how you broke it down! So true!!
Post # 7
Everytime you think about the other guy do something nice for you bf. Like send him an I love you text, buy him a gift, make him a pie. It is normal to think about other people. It is just a mental vacation, just remember to come back to reality. Think about how great your bf is. If you were with this other guy you would have a different set of problems to deal with just like any relationship.
The bigger problem here is what are the issues that made the two of you break up in the first place?
Post # 8
@egb: You really said it best. I was initially startled when you said “the one” doesn’t exist because I think I met “the one” but you are right, it goes deeper than that. It’s about finding the person that I want a life with and I want to fight with. 🙂 Nurturing a relationship is a choice although it feels natural to be with my Fiance. I’m sure it will be a choice at some point when life settles in but it’s a choice both of us will make.
@polomite:Before I met my Fiance I had dated but with all of them I would rather be single then continue to date them. It was SCARY! I thought I was never going to find the right guy and then I met my Fiance and it was perfect and I felt calm about my future with him. And by perfect I won’t say we never fight nor do we see eye to eye on everything. But it is perfect because he makes me a better person and we want the same things out of life. More than that but I don’t want to bore you!
Be sure that you never want to be with someone else before you marry him. Are you back with him because it’s safe? It’s hard to let go of all that history but better to let go of a a few years of history to make the right future with the right guy.
Post # 9
i’ve learned that if you have any doubts then he probably isn’t “the one” i really believe that when you do meet him you just sort of know. im a firm believer in gut instinct and i think it kind of follows those lines. but thats just my experience.
Post # 10
@Talishazwi to answer your question: I don’t know. I’ve heard the stories like yours, that it was perfect and I just knew he was the one. I don’t have that kind of story to tell and honestly whether my fiance is “the one” or someone else is, I don’t think I’ll ever quite feel that way. I never feel 100% about ANYTHING and that’s just me. that’s just my personality.
But does he make me happy, yes. I love and adore him which is why I thought it was worth the risk of leaving other guy to go back to him.
Maybe I’m too practical for my own good.
Post # 11
Honestly, the way I see it is, successful relationships aren’t riddled with drama. You shouldn’t have to look back on your time with your SO and use descriptions like, “it was fairly good,” “it’s not as bad now as before”… I think for someone you decide to marry you should feel very confident that you have a strong, solid relationship with plenty of great qualities and that you shouldn’t be able to picture yourself with anyone else. Bottom line is that it just doesn’t have to be this hard, IMO. Don’t go into a marriage second-guessing it.
Post # 12
I have to agree–“fairly good” doesn’t really work well with “big bumps” or “not as bad now”.
That doesn’t sound like a happy, healthy relationship.
Why the pressure to get married?
Post # 13
@polomite: There is no such thing as “the one”.
There is no one person that you HAVE to meet or be with, or else you’ll never be happy. Love is a choice. You either wake up and make that choice every day, or you don’t. If you’re not ready to make that choice with this man, well, I guess you could say he’s not “the one.” But maybe you aren’t “the one,” meaning you’re not at a point in your life at which you are ready/able to make the decision to be with one person forever. You’ve got to be ready, too, you know. Trying to meet “the one” makes it all about you, and puts you in a position of being in a position of infinite choice. I think it’s a lot more productive to focus on “being” the one, ie. having your emotional ducks in a row, loving yourself, having a life outside a SO, etc. The question of WHO to be with, which isn’t even the most important thing, will figure itself out.
Also, I hate to say it, but that feeling in your gut? That you’ve met the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with, forever and ever? It can be wrong. So tread carefully.
Post # 14
To reiterate what others have said, love is a choice. Of course it is also a feeling or an emotion, but on days when your Fiance is annoying you, or you are feeling less than loving because of outside pressures, love becomes a choice.
Some people live by the mentality that if you have doubts, dont. I think that while that is a cautious approach, it’s not always the best. If you pursued nothing because you had doubts, you would never achieve or accomplish anything!!! Marriage is a choice, and a risk. I’m sure there are people who said they were 100% sure when they got married and are now divorced.
Some people never have that “I Just Knew” sense when they are with their SO. Highly anxious people especially. You really need to ask yourself if your Fiance is worth taking that leap or faith, that risk, with. From your post – and I don’t know if it’s anxiety or fear talking – you aren’t quite there yet.
There’s no sense in rushing when you’re confused and unsure. But, don’t let fear or ‘the grass is always greener’ approach hold you back from commitment with a good person. For now, take the other man out of the equation and focus on your relationship. Also, check out ConsciousWeddings.com and ConsciousTransitions.com to help validate what you are feeling. Good luck!