- 2 years ago
annonabee217 : I agree with the advice given by other bees here. If your SIL were truly sorry she would actually admit to and acknowledge that she does, in fact, remember and feel remorse for the things she has said and done. I think one additional thing to remember and possibly help you not take it so personally is that she does this sort of thing to other people in the family as well. You mentioned she did mean things to her brother that she “forgot” about until someone else called her out on it. She has definitely done some vicious things to you so I think you are smart to not get lured back into trusting her. Your husband needs to learn how to be okay with you just being cordial and not expect a friendship. I also agree with venting to other people than Darling Husband, just to someone close to you who won’t blab.
I am in a similar boat with one of my SIL’s. SIL and I did not know one another prior to my dating Darling Husband, but we got along fairly well in the beginning of when he and I started dating. As the years have went on though some things have changed and the subtle (but not so subtle to me) jabs have increased. Rude and invasive questions about personal things come up where she puts me on the spot in front of people (but rarely ever in front of DH) and I end up looking rude or awkward for not answering her, or I answer and she uses it as fodder for gossip. For a couple of years when Darling Husband and I were engaged he at first thought I was being overly sensitive, but finally started to notice right before and now since we’ve been married. SIL’s wedding is coming up and she has been nothing short of monstrous with a lot of family members, but she said some particularly nasty things about DH’s and my wedding (we eloped privately so she wasn’t even there or involved to have an opinion) and tried to make my Mother-In-Law mad at us based on a lie or incorrect assumption she made that she insisted was the truth (it didn’t work, fortunately, but Darling Husband and I know her true motives now and aren’t happy about it). I have been working with my therapist on determing exactly what I want my relationship with SIL to look like and how to establish and maintain the appropriate boundaries for it. It can be very hard sometimes but, I think what @MrsMeowton said about learning how to feel sorry for what made our SIL’s feel that way and the internal struggles they must be dealing with is key to our not getting so caught up and angry. My SIL is marrying a pretty horrible person, and has an entire family who thinks so. I can’t imagine how awkward that must make her feel most of the time and can see how it might cause her to lash out or scheme to take the negative attention off of her relationship. Not saying I think it’s okay she does that, but seeing what she is dealing with gives me a little empathy toward her.