I don't know if I am being gasiighted by my SIL, or I'm the jerk.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee

annonabee217 :  I agree with the advice given by other bees here.  If your SIL were truly sorry she would actually admit to and acknowledge that she does, in fact, remember and feel remorse for the things she has said and done.  I think one additional thing to remember and possibly help you not take it so personally is that she does this sort of thing to other people in the family as well.  You mentioned she did mean things to her brother that she “forgot” about until someone else called her out on it.  She has definitely done some vicious things to you so I think you are smart to not get lured back into trusting her.  Your husband needs to learn how to be okay with you just being cordial and not expect a friendship.  I also agree with venting to other people than Darling Husband, just to someone close to you who won’t blab.

I am in a similar boat with one of my SIL’s.  SIL and I did not know one another prior to my dating Darling Husband, but we got along fairly well in the beginning of when he and I started dating.  As the years have went on though some things have changed and the subtle (but not so subtle to me) jabs have increased.  Rude and invasive questions about personal things come up where she puts me on the spot in front of people (but rarely ever in front of DH) and I end up looking rude or awkward for not answering her, or I answer and she uses it as fodder for gossip.  For a couple of years when Darling Husband and I were engaged he at first thought I was being overly sensitive, but finally started to notice right before and now since we’ve been married.  SIL’s wedding is coming up and she has been nothing short of monstrous with a lot of family members, but she said some particularly nasty things about DH’s and my wedding (we eloped privately so she wasn’t even there or involved to have an opinion) and tried to make my Mother-In-Law mad at us based on a lie or incorrect assumption she made that she insisted was the truth (it didn’t work, fortunately, but Darling Husband and I know her true motives now and aren’t happy about it).  I have been working with my therapist on determing exactly what I want my relationship with SIL to look like and how to establish and maintain the appropriate boundaries for it.  It can be very hard sometimes but, I think what @MrsMeowton said about learning how to feel sorry for what made our SIL’s feel that way and the internal struggles they must be dealing with is key to our not getting so caught up and angry.  My SIL is marrying a pretty horrible person, and has an entire family who thinks so.  I can’t imagine how awkward that must make her feel most of the time and can see how it might cause her to lash out or scheme to take the negative attention off of her relationship.  Not saying I think it’s okay she does that, but seeing what she is dealing with gives me a little empathy toward her. 

Post # 17
Member
6146 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I do not have time or space in my life for people who like to mindfuck others. Period. That’s non-negotiable for me, so I think you are well within your rights to tell your husband (or anyone who feels they have the right to ask you.) “So and So and I used to be friends. We aren’t anymore. That isn’t going to change. She needs to stay away from me.”

This reminds me of my parents’ situation. They had a hurtful separation (especially for my mother- or maybe especially for us kids) and I used to wish so much that they could be friends one day, but my mother made it clear “You are always welcome to have a relationship with your father. I will never interfere with that. He and I are not going to be friends, though. That will not change. And I am well within my rights to make that decision and expect you to respect it.” Her clarity and the firmness of her boundary was really helpful for me. They both attend family events for my son, may say hello in passing, but they aren’t cool. And they have that right.

Your husband gets to decide the terms of his relationship with his sister. And you get to be firm and clear that that bitch had better stay the fuck away from you because you want nothing to do with her. And your husband and everyone else need to respect that.

You could be wrong or sensitive but none of that matters. You are a grown ass woman and you get to decide with whom you do relationship. You don’t choose her. Done and done.

Post # 18
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly the big problem is your Darling Husband. He should be happy that you guys are even “fake civil” with one other. It’s shameful that he adds to guilting you on this matter. He needs to accept you for your word. 

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