I don't know if I ever want to get married

posted 2 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 2
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee

I think if you’re happy then what your cousins think doesn’t matter.

This is your life. So only you get to decide what to do with it.

Post # 3
Member
9743 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You do you. If you don’t want to get married you don’t have to.

Post # 4
Member
6789 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think everyone should do what makes them happy. Single, married, kids, no kids, pets, no pets–you do you. Your cousins should be happy that you are making the choices that are right for you and otherwise worry about their own lives. 

Post # 5
Member
3450 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

I think you should do whatever you feel is best for yourself but that research part sounds inaccurate. People can be sufficiently happy while single or married. There are plenty of miserable people in both situations.

You’ve had abusive relationships so of course by comparison being single seems like a more reasonable choice. But if you had been in healthy, loving relationships you might not feel the same.

I can go either way and be perfectly content. Like you I enjoy my own company and have an active life so any relationship had to increase my happiness or I would have gladly passed. This one does.

I wouldn’t waste another second entertaining what your cousins or anyone else thinks about your decision, its your life so live it your way.

Post # 6
Member
1055 posts
Bumble bee

I’d try to make more friendships outside your small-minded cousins. They don’t seem to understand you as a person at all and are trying to force their world view onto you and make you fit their mould.

Post # 7
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

I second another PP that your research isn’t accurate…Sure some people are happiest alone, and you might be one of them, but it certainly isn’t true for everyone.

Your cousins are just likely pushing you because in their experience they are happiest in a relationship, and they want you to have that same joy. They aren’t likely being cruel or close minded.

I think you just need time to be yourself and be by yourself if you’re coming out of abusive relationships.  Who knows, maybe you’ll change your mind in a bit about dating/mariiage/family, and maybe you’ll decide that the single life is really what you want. Nothing wrong with either choice at all. 

 

Post # 8
Member
2798 posts
Sugar bee

Marriage in and of itself is not objectively positive or negative and neither is being single – it depends entirely on you and on who you meet. If you don’t meet someone amazing that makes your life objectively and emotionally better then of COURSE stay single. 

I loved this book (I listened to the audiobook version): “All the single ladies: unmarried women and the rise of an independent nation.” It’s not anti-marriage (or pro marriage) but it explores how it has become more of a choice for women today. 

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25814394-all-the-single-ladies

Post # 9
Member
2517 posts
Sugar bee

You definitely don’t have to get married! There’s nothing wrong with choosing to be single. Enjoy your singledom, and use your freedom and free time do some soul-searching about why you let those exes treat you so poorly. Seek therapy. Build your hobbies. Spend more time with friends and family. Do things that make you happy. 

While I think it’s great that you’ve come to terms with the idea that you can be happy and fulfilled on your own (something I think everyone should realize!), the only thing that worries me is that it sounds like you’ve decided to be single because your last relationships were abusive, rather than because being single is what you actually want. I think right now you’re operating from a place of fear rather than a place of confidence. Many people will tell you not to stay in a relationship out of fear of being single, but you’re doing the reverse — you want to stay single because you’re afraid of falling into another abusive relationship. And that’s no healthier than choosing to stay in a mediocre relationship for fear of being alone. 

All I’m saying is, embrace singledom but don’t block yourself off to the opportunity of a relationship in the future because of your bad past experiences. 

ETA: Just looked at your post history. You’ve suddenly in the last 2 weeks made a 180 and decided you never want marriage/kids after making tons of posts here about how much you want marriage and kids and can’t seem to meet anyone and asking for dating advice? And saying that you don’t have many friends or hobbies two weeks ago? Not buying it. Get thee to therapy, stat. There’s nothing wrong with wanting marriage/kids. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting marriage/kids. But clearly this issue is giving you a lot of grief, and you’ve had a history of abusive relationships and poor self esteem. 

Post # 10
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

Go with your heart and gut. I never wanted to get married, like ever. Never imagined my wedding or having kids or anything. Still am a bit anxious about it, but I’ve had a change of heart recently due to events in my life and I want more with my bf. It’s funny because since I never imagined getting married kind of feel like a deer in headlights in terms of going about with planning and such. Anyway, do whatever you want to do and makes you happy. At the same time, I have a good friend who has wanted to have a relationship and marriage and is dating but whenever she’s single she says she’s tired of dating and has just getting used to the fact that she’ll never get married. I told her to not think like that. If she wants to get married, I’m willing to bet it’s going to happen. Most people find someone eventually. Her thinking negatively and telling herself to forget what she wants is premature and unnecessary. Stay true to what you want, whatever that may be. Best to you.

Post # 11
Member
428 posts
Helper bee

I think you should do what you want and If you are happiest single stay that way. My future mil got out of an abusive relationship and was single for 4 years. She focused on herself, volunteered, went to church, reconnected with old friends and spent time with family. Suddenly out of nowhere she met a man and they have now been going strong for 6 months. I used to tell her someone would come along when she was least expecting it and he really did. This guy is amazing, treats her so well and really enriches her life. I see them being together for a long time and possibly marrying him. It may take awhile but of meeting a man and marrying and having babies isn’t your primary focus it doesn’t matter how long it takes! 

Post # 12
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

There isn’t really any advice to give here. If you don’t want to get married then obviously you shouldn’t get married. If you want to be single be single. Getting married because your cousins want you to would be the stupidest thing I ever heard! Ignore them. You don’t even have to tell them your plans for the future. If they bring it up just say ‘I’m very happy being single right now so I don’t want to discuss it’ or something along those lines. 

Post # 13
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

I Loved being single until I met my bf on a scuba trip. Do you. Be happy.
Sometimes relationships find us when we least expect it.
You know its right when they compliment your life, and don’t subtract from it.

Post # 14
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2018

You will meet that guy who is worth to marry with you.

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