Post # 1
My ILs are crazy. This is just a vent but feel free to throw out any advice you may have!
The last two times I spoke to my Mother-In-Law she asked me about my periods and “lady parts.” I know this is an attempt to find out if I’m pregnant or TTC. But, huh? On what planet is that an appropriate question to ask your DIL? (For the record, I blatantly ignored the second time she asked).
Then, tonight at dinner she said “If I win the lottery I’m going to build an addition on your house and move in.” Again, we both just ignored her. Then my Father-In-Law started in. My husband got a new job (YAY!!) which requires training in FL for two weeks. I told them I’d like to fly out to see him for the weekend at some point. My Father-In-Law said “Oh, well I’ll fly down sometime during the week to see you too.” Dude, he’s going to be working during the week. Plus, your his Dad, not his wife. Isn’t that weird?
Now here’s the new thing his Dad has been doing. It’s odd and it’s usually subtle, so we don’t want to misinterpret and overreact. We were telling Father-In-Law we went out to eat the other night and I got duck. I was raving about, how delicious it was, etc. My Father-In-Law says “Oh really? Because I’ve asked Mr. WRX if you liked duck and he said ‘no’.” I asked my husband if that ever happened, if his Dad actually asked that question in the past, and he said not that he recalls. It’s just odd, like what are you implying? That we don’t know each other all that well after 8+ years? (This is one example, this has happened a handful of times.)
They’re just so weird sometimes. And I feel like they aren’t totally on board with our being married. So should I laugh or cry? I’m working on laughing this off!
Post # 3
Hmm…they are weird, that’s for sure. I would keep on ignoring the weird comments like you have been. You can’t control how they feel about your relationship, but you can control your reaction.
As for the period questions, proposed addition and random visit to SO’s training, I think he needs to talk to them to make his boundaries clear. They may seem like random comments now but it could cause a big problem in the future if the ILs have different expectations for your relationship with them. For example, what if Father-In-Law did book a ticket to come visit? Father-In-Law would be caught totally off guard when your SO said that wouldn’t work because he didn’t have any objections before. Best of luck.
Post # 4
@AlwaysSunny: That’s generally what we do, ignore. You would think ignoring invasive questions, strange comments, etc would condition people to not do it anymore! I’ve learned at this point they won’t change, and that’s ok. It’s just exhausting when you have to do it all the time!
Post # 5
@JemmaWRX: I don’t know how much help I am. But I agree with the PP where she said boundaries. Set them now and don’t let it become a bigger issue later. You just need your Fiance to laugh whatever comment off but at the same time shut the idea down. For example about the duck thing “I think you might be confused Dad, JemmaWRX loves duck, I know that!”
Also, MIL? WTF. Yes, ignore or give her a look and say “I’m not comfortable discussing that with you, if you want to know if we are TTC just ask but the answer is still no”. Or whatever 🙂
Post # 6
This sounds like my Father-In-Law. Are they older people like in their 70’s. I had a hard time dealing with him in the beginning but now I just laugh. Questions like, “Why don’t you like soda?” I just don’t like it, is that a crime? “I want to spend the month here but I’ll wait until you get a house or a bigger appartment.” Really? Because you have to be invited first. Anywho, I know he likes me and does not mean wrong, but he just can’t say things in a very polite way! So, just laugh it off.
Post # 7
@ParisM: We have worked extensively to set clear boundaries but to no avail. I can honestly say my husband has been firm and assertive (I’ve been there) but it’s in one ear out the other!
Fortunately my case isn’t nearly as bad as I see here sometimes, so I am grateful for that.
And for my Mother-In-Law and her personal/invasive questions. This has been ongoing. One of the first times I ate dinner with them at their house she asked if I had my period. We were at the table with my then boyfriend and Father-In-Law. It was so long ago, I don’t even remember how I responded but I do know my husband told her she can’t ask me questions like that. And here we are over 8 years later!
Now she is definitely digging for info on her future grandkids. I know she’s excited about the prospect but DAMN LADY! Cool it with the “lady parts” talk. God she’s a strange bird. You are right though, next time I should speak up and tell her to shut it (nicely of course!).
Post # 8
@amoret11: It took me a long time to get to a point where I laugh. And I generally can laugh off the weird comments. I think what’s worrisome now is it seems as if my Father-In-Law is trying to cause rifts between us. My husband’s parents are really clingy to him and while he’s always had a tense relationship with them, our marriage seems to have sent them into a tizzy.
So there was the comment about the duck, where Father-In-Law kind of implied my husband doesn’t know me all that well. He’s also always telling me things like “Did husband tell you about such and such? No? Hmmm… I told him to tell you.” In print I’m sure it doesn’t seem threatening but he has this suspicious, almost menacing tone of voice when he communicates these things to me. It’s unnerving.
Fortunately for us, we’ve agreed not to let them interfere with our relationship. The crap his Dad says… I don’t take it to heart.
Part of me feels bad for them – he is their only son and of course they want a good relationship with him. But they don’t really know how to maintain a good relationship. They think being enmeshed and treating him like a child are expressions of their love. But it ultimately just pushes him further away. It’s unfortunate.
Post # 9
@JemmaWRX: Whoa. Dude, 8 years later is putting it nicely isn’t working. Just say it as flat out and bluntly as you can. “I think that is a really awkward and inappropriate thing to ask” or just turn it back on her *shocked face* “wow Mother-In-Law why would you ask that?”
I definitely agree, no matter how bad your family issues get there is always someone who has it worse 🙁
Post # 10
You mind I share my family story? My Sil, who is always drunk on holidays, says really bad things. We are eating, and she remarks about something she saw on my Facebook. She turns to my son and asks if he wants to be her Facebook friend all he has to do is to get on her face. My SO and I basically spit out our food laughing! She asks what’s so funny, and he repeats back to her that she just asked our 19 year old to get on her face. I then made some smart assed remark about how somethings do not have to stay in the family. She then breaks down in tears, because that’s not what she meant, and boo hoo, blubber blubber…
I still think its funny.
Post # 11
@JemmaWRX: It is extremely hard to not look at it in a bad way. Specially when they are making such comments that can create tension between you and your SO. One time my Darling Husband drove his parents to their house which is 2 hours away after they visited for about 4 days. Father-In-Law asked Darling Husband to stay for the weekend and even offered to call me and explain that he would be leaving me all alone at our apartment 2 hours away because he wanted to have his son for the weekend! I was livid! Needless to say, Darling Husband said no and returned home.
As long as you know where to draw the line, you will be fine in your marriage and they will just be your inlaws. Make sure your husband is on the same page as you. It is important that they see that you are his priority. I always tell my Darling Husband when I think his dad is getting out of line, and he lets him know that he does not like it, but he doesn’t go like “she said this..”
Hopefully you can work things out because in-laws can be a nightmare!
Post # 12
@JemmaWRX: bahahahaha oh man. weird. You’re not alone!! Sounds my my Future Mother-In-Law. She audibly farts– true story. drinks LIKE A FISH, has a weird tick when she watches TV, constantly refers to our daughter as “her” baby and REFUSES to leave the house except to go out to eat when she comes to visit. Good lord, luckily she lives 12 hours away and I see her once a year, tops. Doesnt sound like you’re so lucky. 😉 Might I suggest a glass of wine (or 2) before interacting with them?