Post # 1
I know people will probably roast me but I am actually scared. I had gotten married a few months ago. I am going to be 30 in a few months so I am not scared that I am too young. I had always thought I loved my life freedom but that like a lot of my friends my “mommy light” will go on once I am older and more mature and I will want nothing more than to be a mom. The older I get however the more I am not sure I want kids. I have a good stable career, my husband and I have a house we bought with the intention of growing a family, we are both responsible and neither of us is a partier (although I love travelling) so in theory we should be the perfect candidades for parenthood yet the more I interact with all my friends who have families the less I feel like I want to be a parent.
I sincely wish it was not the case but I don’t like kids. I hate that I feel that way but around kids I feel very uneasy, tense, and yes I get irritated easily. I have had pets my whole life and the way that I see people inteact with kids is the way I interact with animals. I am drawn to pets, I understand their limitiations and I am effertlessly patient with animals because I know what they can and cannot do and understand. I have no such capacity for childen. I constantly feel like I am supposed to be cooing over kids and find them cute and adorable but I honestly do not. I have a hard time acting at a kids level and it feels extremely forced for me.
I also see my friends whose entire lives revolve just around their kids. When they come over or have company their entire attention is on nothing but making sure their kids don’t get in trouble and harly interact with adults. Unless they have a large family or reliable nannys they never go outside of their house without the kids, they don’t travel, they constantly change plans, give others restrictions (like when you cannot call or go inside the house because the kid is sleeping) and I am not sure I am cut out for that kind of life.
I want to want kids. And I know my husband absolutely wants kids but in the last year I have really started to become afraid that I will become a resentful mother and wife if I do. Since we have gotten married (and probably even a little before) my husband’s parents are putting CONSTANT pressure for us to start trying to get pregnant. I know my husband loves me but I know he wants a family and kids within the next couple of years too and it’s not fair for me not to give him one, so I am stuck. I don’t know what to do. Should I go to therapy to deal with my parenting fears? Will this feeling just go away once I concieve? Has anyone been in my shoes and then ended up a happy parent?
Thank you in advance for any advice.
Post # 3
Sounds like you aren’t ready.
Live your life and enjoy what you have now. Don’t let other people bother you when they ask when you are starting a family. Just tell them you’ll start when you are ready.
You seem like you are stressing out too much over something you really don’t wnat right now or aren’t ready for yet.
Relax and take some time for just you and your new husband. You’ll know when the time is right
Post # 4
@anonivk: If you don’t really want to be a parent I don’t think you should force yourself to do it. You may want to talk to your husband and find out if he is willing to be childfree.
Post # 5
@anonivk: If the thought of parenthood and kids scare you this much now, you may end up resenting everyone if you feel forced into having kids. I’m kind of in your shoes b/c I honestly don’t think kids are realistic for Darling Husband and me, and I don’t want to sacrifice myself for kids. Also, I am 30, so I figured that I should have a clue by now, no?
Also, I hear you re: pets. I feel that I have way more love and passion for my kitty, but then again, he’s not as demanding as a child nor did he destroy my body. Our couches? Another story. 😉
All in all, I think the question that you may want to ask the Board is if there were any Bees who still were unsure/did not want kids at 30 then changed their minds into mid-30s or sooner.
Post # 6
Don’t do it to please everyone else. Do it when it feels right for you.
I will say this much, every mother is different!! And that’s how it should be. Because every person is different. I have a step daughter and was panicing because I am so NOT the homemaker soccer mom type. Just NOT.
It has been a year and a half since since we have all (FI, step daughter, and I) have been living together, and I feel very much like a “mom,” but I am still not the over “cooing” soccer mom homemaker type at all. And I have come to realize that that is a GOOD thing. I still need to be myself!
Don’t panic about needing to fit into a mold. Your child will come first, and while that sounds freaky now, when the time comes it will be the best feeling. And you will become your own version of the “perfect mom.”
Post # 7
I really wish society would stop telling women they HAVE to be mothers. You shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting kids; it’s not an obligation. However, it does sound like something that you should really talk to your husband about because it sounds as though he doesn’t know that you’re feeling this way if you bought a house specifically to grow your family. Would he be willing to stay home with the kids if you had them? Would you be expected to drop your whole life and career to be a mom? Would he be satisfied with not being a dad? Do you think you could ever be satisfied with being a mom if some kind of arrangement was made where you could keep your career? There’s a lot to talk to him about.
Post # 8
@VikingPrincess: I honestly think that as much as he loves me the no-kids thing (unless it was medically warranted) would be a deal breaker for him. In all fairness to him eralier in the relationship we had talked about having kids in the future so even though he know I am not really a “kid” person I think this would really hit him out of left field.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
You need to have an honest discussion with your husband about how you’re feeling. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be child free except it sounds like your husband absolutely wants kids. If he is adament about having kids and you’re unsure, some counseling may be a good idea to find out if you’re just scared of what life will be like with kids, or if you’re someone who would rather not be a parent. If you find out you’re in the latter category then it may mean your relationship with your husband isn’t going to work out. The sooner you know the better. Don’t have kids thinking everything will just work out. If it doesn’t, then you still have a child you’re responsible for and it’s not healthy to grow up with a mother that didn’t want you.
I will say that as an only child married to my husband who is also an only child, having one child doesn’t really change your lifestyle all that much. Our parents till traveled, with and without us. Grandparents were always available to watch us since there was only one kid to deal with. Our parents had regular date nights and private time.
*Make sure you’re super safe with your birth control method until you figure things out.*
Post # 10
@Miss Fish: Those are really good points. I honestly don’t think he would be satisfied not having kids (based on his parents reaction I think they have been toaught their whole adult lives that they are there to have childern). The issue has nothing to do with our careers. Financially either he would have to stop working or I we would have to get a nanny and I think he is fine with it any way, it’s more about my ability to be a parent in general.
Post # 11
@beachbride1216: I very much agree with this.
You have to talk to your Darling Husband about this, now. To leave that door open when it is possibly closed is not fair to him. Counciling is the best way to do it, and can give a safe environment to have that talk in.
Post # 12
@anonivk: I can’t say what is right or wrong for you, but I can give you some perspective from a kid that wasn’t really wanted by her parents (they had me to stay in the country). My relationship with my parents is pretty much non existent, I don’t trust them, I don’t really love them, I don’t respect them and I won’t be sad when they die (already happened with my dad). My parents always saw me as a nuissance, and I was always getting in the way of their freedom (i.e. my mom left me alone in the mall at age 7 so she could go shop freely). I have no doubt that my parents resented me for “taking away” their freedoms, and it definitely showed in their parenting.
Post # 13
@anonivk: Agree with all PPs that say you must discuss this with your husband. And that you shouldn’t feel pressured, but I understand the issue and that the pressure probably will not go away in your situation. Good luck!!
Post # 14
For most of my life i didn’t want kids. In fact, Darling Husband and i almost split up because he has always wanted kids (and not just kids, he told me if it were up to him we’d have FIVE).
As i got older, and fell in love with my husband i did come around to the idea, and now i have insane baby rabies.
I’m not saying you will or should change your mind. In fact, i think it should be the opposite: you need to wait until you are 500 per cent ready. Kids are a LOT of work, and will change your life in a million ways. If you aren’t ready for that now (or ever), wait until you are.
I agree you need to discuss this with your husband to see how he feels. Is he ok waiting? And is he ok with the possibility you might never be ready?
Don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do…it’s commendablle to be honest, especially when you’re opinion isn’t the “norm”.
Post # 15
I think this definitely needs to be addressed with your husband–and probably a mediator (like a counselor/therapist).
You could change your mind in the next 10 years. Or maybe you won’t! Maybe you’d be okay with adopting an older child? Or fostering an older child?
There’s a LOT of room for discussion.
The only thing I would NOT do is have a kid you don’t want to make everyone else happy.
Post # 16
Hi @anonivk: You sound undecided to me… you may or may not want kids… IMO this is not unusual, pretty much how I felt in my early 20s as a Newlywed some 30+ years ago.
Give it some time… your views may change… for now just enjoy being a Newlywed.
About to turn 30 and just married you are already adjusting to change… so I am not sure WHY you feel you need to make this decision NOW (altho I would have hoped that you might have had this convo with your Hubby BEFORE you married him, because YES it can be a dealbreaker for a couple. Kids for some people are just that IMPORTANT)
Just married a few months… I wouldn’t worry about it so much. Enjoy being newlyweds for a bit… you may very well be more in a Mommy mood in a year or 3. I’d just say that you probably want to plan the first one before you are 34… and that is just based on my own experiences.
As other Bees have said, the main thing is that you communicate with your Hubby how you are feeling.
Having kids is a BIG DEAL (as was getting Married). So you don’t have to “get there” all at once… just let him know you just are uncertain RIGHT THIS MINUTE… and that things could change a little further down the road as time goes on.
Hope this helps,