I don't know if I want kids…

posted 2 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
5429 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

becks90 :  

Honestly, I think deciding that parenting is not for you is unbelievably selfless. That’s the most selfless thing you can do in my eyes.

So many people have kids who they can’t handle financially or emotionally.

Post # 3
Member
13577 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

becks90 :  Following because, girl, I could have written this post.  No advice — just solidarity here. 

Post # 4
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I’m planning on being child free and I will just say, I’ve never understood people who call child-free people selfish. Not taking care of children properly is selfish. Having kids when you can’t financially or emotionally provide for them is selfish. But not having kids? How is that selfish? You don’t owe the world kids. The world has too many people as it is.

Personally, I am very much looking forward to my partner and I having two incomes and no dependents. We’ll get to go on multiple vacations every year and every weekend will be ours to do whatever we want. When I get home from work all I’ll have to worry about is feeding and walking the dog and other than that the night is mine to do whatever I want. It’s ok to feel like that. Having kids is a JOB. On call 24 hours a day kind of job. On top of all your other responsibilites. And it’s ok to say that you don’t want that.

Post # 5
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I feel the same. I’ve never been a baby person. Never wanted to play with babydolls growing up, but I always took a stuffed puppy with me wherever I went! Lol. I always assumed I’d have some because that’s just what people do and expect, but once I got married I realized, hey, this is pretty great, why ruin it with a child? It’s so nice to be able to go & do what you want without having to worry about a child. It’s not selfish a bit. Who would it be selfish to? Selfish implies you are putting your needs above someone else’s. But putting your needs above a hypothetical child is NOT selfish.

Post # 6
Member
9609 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’ve never understood the “it’s selfish to not have kids” argument. And even if it is (in some bizarre way I don’t even slightly comprehend) having kids will impact no one’s life more than the parents so you should be selfish. 

I agree with PP that there’s more possibility of the choice to have kids being selfish than the choice to not.

Whatever you want (kids or no kids) the decision should be for you, not for anyone else. And there’s nothing wrong with either option.

Post # 7
Hostess
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I think that in this day and age having kids is the selfish act. The world is already so over populated and resources are so strained. You are doing your part to save the world by choosing not to make more babies. Bravo! 

Post # 8
Member
575 posts
Busy bee

I too have been going back and forth about having kids. I have stepdaughter and she amazing and I’m loving watching her grow and getting to be part of her life. 

I love my quality time with my husband so much. His daughter lives with her a mom full time and we get her on weekends. We get quality family time and time that’s just us. 

Parenting is selfless act and you’ll come 2nd or 3rd sometimes. Would you be okay with that? 

I always thought I wanted kids but as I get older I’m not so sure. Maybe we’re all over thinking it…

I’m always reading about parenting material because I’m just interested but also hoping I’ll find the answer which of course doesn’t really exist. 

 

Post # 9
Member
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Agreeing that it is not selfish if that is your choice, and it is more selfish to have kids when you don’t truly want to put in the work. This is how kids end up in foster care, on the streets, on drugs, etc. 

But I do want to probe for one question. Your account says your wedding is in May of 2018. How does your SO feel about this and is he on the same page? I only ask because if I was with someone for so many years and planned to get married, I assume we would be on the same page of having children or not. And since your opinion is changing (totally okay), I would be worried your SO wouldn’t agree with this new path. 

From my point of view, if my husband came to me at any point in the relationship, 1 year into dating, 5 years in, even now after marriage, and said he changed his mind about children, the relationship would be over in a heartbeat because I do want children, badly. But as long as both people are 100% on the same page with no resentment for passing up the opportunity, then go for it! Your choice. The world is overpopulated enough. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

write down how u feel right now, save for a few years later then ask if u feel the same. do everything you want till then and see if it changes. u never know when u will die might as well worry about yourself and ur fiance and family. get a dog

Post # 13
Member
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

becks90 :  Great so it does sound like you are on similar pages, although not identical. It does scare me a bit that he thinks you will change your mind and to me that could be a red flag. 

I say have the discussion with him – in 4 years, if you still haven’t changed your mind, is he okay with it? If he is the slightest bit unsure, you may have issues. You don’t want to wake up in 30 years with him resenting you for the reason he never had kids. But so long as he is okay if you never do change your mind, then I think you are in the clear. 

Again, if it were me, even 4+ years into marriage, the marriage would be over because to me it is a non-negotiable topic. I know I would resent him if I never had kids because of him, but we both made that clear to each other within weeks of dating that we were on the same page and it has not changed. 

Post # 14
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

I completely get this. I love my daughter completely, but I had an accidental pregnancy at 21. I ‘ve spent the last 12 year watching my friends my age, travel take vacations, have all these really nice things. In the mean time I’m grinding away to get a second degree, being a mom and working to build my career. Putting myself last, being mom’s taxi driving everywhere. I don’t regret it at all, but a tiny part of me has a lot of jealousy when I see photos of my friends backpacking through New Zealand etc. 

In the last couple of years I’m finally at the point where I can prioritize me a little bit. I can afford to upgrade to the luxury SUV I want. We can afford to travel more, though school schedules etc still play a big part in this. I also want to travel more with my daughter now that she’s not in the are we there yet stage. 

I’m not sure how old you are, if I remember right you’re mid 20s so you’ve got lots of time to decide on this. Some people change their mind others don’t. You might decide later that you want to be a mom. Lots of options and no wrong choices.

Post # 15
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

I completely understand how you feel. Children take away money, time and a couple’s ability to be spontaneous. I don’t want to give up any of those fun aspects of life. Most parents I know can barely have a date night once a month because of their kids. They also have no income for themselves to enjoy as a couple so their marriages are suffering. 

 

Many of my mommy friends are envious of our lifestyle. We went to Europe last fall and this year we’re spending a week at a luxury resort in Jamaica. We are also avid Nordic skiiers. Soon I will be working towards my BA in Psychology. I will also be taking riding lessons. I enjoy pampering myself with spa visits. It’s easy to live only on my husband’s income partly because we’re childfree.

If we had kids, we couldn’t do any of those activities because every dollar would go to our children. Why would I want to trade all of this fun and freedom for shitty diapers and no sleep? 

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