I don't know if I want kids…

posted 2 years ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

Only a mother can truly explain the selflessness required to raise children. No doubt you have to put a whole lot more in than you get out of it. But for Americans, our children will be putting in the money that gets paid out for our Social Security. They will be contributing to the economy that funds whatever part of our 401(k) and investments that feed our retirement (I assume similar systems in other countries but won’t presume). They will be taking care of us in retirement both emotionally, socially, and physically (especially in hospitals and nursing homes…maybe not literally our children but someone’s children). And by the time we are in our 50s (still relatively young!) many of them will already be shaping the world, for better or for worse. And those are just the fundamentals I can observe as someone who doesn’t have children.

Post # 17
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

desertgypsy :  Someone said what I’m thinking! I’ve always thought that it’s more selfish to have children as the world is overpopulated, but the selfish label always seems to stick on childfree couples. I’ve never understood why.

Fiance and I are really on the fence about kids, but leaning more to the childfree side. We want to travel and do things together (for instance, we’re attending a French course every week together at the local college) to build our relationship. I’ve seen marriages crumble after kids and parents completely stressed out since they have no time for themselves. Maybe I’m too selfish to be a mom since I want to have time and money to do things with Fiance. And I want to get my degree and advance my career too. Nowhere in that equation does a child fit.

You still have time, and sometimes plans change. You never know what you’ll both be feeling in 4+ years. Give it time, at least it’s not a decision you need to make today 🙂

Post # 18
Member
2636 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

becks90 :  you need to do what is right for you. Choosing not to have kids is not selfish. Having a kid and then being an absentee parent to chase your dreams would be selfish. But chasing your dreams in general is not selfish. Having a kid and then resenting the, for preventing you from chasing your dreams isn’t selfish per say, but you shouldn’t do it. Reproduction is not mandatory. Again I repeat, do whatever is right for YOU. ❤

Post # 19
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee

The points made on date nights are interesting.  My parent friends make regular scheduled date nights a way bigger priority than my childfree hubs and I do:  I think it’s because we don’t need to get away, out of the house, away from the kids.  We enjoy most of our time at home, all to ourselves.  We only go on date nights when there is a specific event happening that we’d like to attend.  Otherwise we just go to the corner restaurant to get a bite to eat spontaneously just to get out of the house or we don’t feel like cooking, but that’s not very frequent.  So I guess it can work both ways.  

One thing we do way more fhan our parent friends (if they do at all) is travel.  

Mine factor I would consider about whether or not to have kids is what kind of built in support structure do we have?  Do we have living parents in the area that are able and interested to help babysit?  Or siblings?  Other close family?  That makes a big difference when I look at my different friends with kids.  Not so much for a 4 hour date night but when it comes to travel or family emergencies, sick kids (or parents) etc.  

Post # 20
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Agree with PP in talking to your Fiance about this, but otherwise I wouldn’t worry too much about making the decision right now. We are all constantly changing as people and in 4+ years time you could be in a completely different mindset than you are today. Raising children is a bonding experience like no other, but it’s definitely not for everyone. I have no kids, but plan to have them in the future, and I’m sure when I do I’ll be jealous of friends going on trips abroad (heck, I am right now. I don’t understand how people can afford them while in college).

Do whatever is right for you. Don’t feel guilty about whatever you decide, and don’t feel the need to know your definite answer now. Best of luck~

Edit to add: Kids also don’t have to necessarily make your relationship with your SO strained, nor do you have to become a secondary person to being a mom. It’s all about how you prioritze time alone with him, and time to be yourself, while raising the kids. It’s definitely tricky, but your life is definitely not “over” because you had a baby.

Post # 21
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

lucreziab :  

I don’t see how your post was relevant to this discussion. It’s clear that the OP is not sold on the idea of having children so it doesn’t matter what children will be contributing to society in the future. 

Childfree women hear more than enough preaching about how selfless mothers are. Using that stale platitude seems rather obnoxious in this instance. 

None of the CFBC Bees need to be bingoed. 

Post # 22
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

groomsister35 :  Actually unlike the other No Kids threads (which I don’t comment on because they’re not seeking opinions) the OP posed a pretty open-ended discussion. I think my response had concrete facts rather than platitudes. A lot of the CFBC people on these boards are extremely assertive of their own viewpoints yet remarkably touchy when someone disagrees.

Post # 23
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

lucreziab :  

We can be assertive about our decision because this section is supposed to be a space for us to discuss being CFBC. None of us appreciate the way Bees who have or want children enjoy posting here just to put us down. It’s not necessary or helpful.

I don’t understand why some Bees are obsessed with talking down to us. We do not go into the countless boards which are related to having children just to preach to your ilk. Disagreeing is fine but being condescending is. Anyone who does that in this section deserves to be called out. 

Your post read like a sappy Whitney Houston song about children being the futurrrrrrrrrrrrr. laughing

Take that bingoing BS somewhere else. We’re all stocked up here. 

Ugh…I shouldn’t have dignified your sanctimonious post with a response. I’m going to stop derailing the thread by wasting my time with a Bee like you. Just remember that arrogantly lecturing CFBC Bees will always be called out here. 

 

Post # 24
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee

DaniGirl03 :  Hey. The great thing is that you will be able to travel again in your later years but be “younger”. My mom had me at 19. She had no idea what she was doing but she has a lot of twiddling of thumbs these days at 48 and for a long time before that age. lol. I am like, “GO ON VACATION, WOMAN!”.

I just don’t understand how its selfish to not have kids. I know a guy who has a sister that keeps popping them out from multiple men with no money and living entirely off of welfare. This was planned in a way but THAT is selfish… and I can’t understand how anyone would want to give their freedom up for a free welfare check month to month with 6 kids and no father(s) in a small run down living space. THAT is miserable.

Post # 25
Member
5230 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

itsachickenwingthing :  

My SIL has her husband but they are on Medicaid and the majority of their bills are paid by my husbands parents. My husbands parents buy the necessities (shoes and jackets except for the time I bought shoes because I was tired of waiting for someone else to do it)

And they are expecting their third baby next month.

It’s beyond selfish.

Needless to say, SIL was surprised at the reactions from family about this pregnancy 

Post # 26
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee

Sansa85 :  Yup. And here we are either never having children which is fine… or waiting for the “right time” to have kids which can sometimes be never for us financially. 

I have been on the fence about kids. Will probably have two but we will see after one. But I do NOT want to be living pay check to pay check kids or not. Definitely would be embarassed to ask for handouts if I had a choice (I know ruts happen but I mean people who can’t even afford a 1/10 of a kid!). Its hard. I had teen parents and they needed welfare but instead went to college and worked 3 jobs a piece lol. 

Post # 27
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

Sansa85 :  

I have no respect for those who purposely bring a child into poverty. 

Just as you said, it is beyond selfish as well as completely ridiculous. 

A friend of mine has two girls. She is a member of Facebook Buy And Sell groups for moms. She told me that it makes her angry when she sees posts by moms who can’t even afford to buy a crib and they are looking for a free one. yellI fucking cannot. If someone doesn’t have the income to buy a crib for her baby to sleep in, she shouldn’t be having a child at this point in her life. 

Post # 28
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

I think more and more woman today are learning that being child free is an alright choice just like chosing to have a child. I am thinking about it more and more each day. I always imagined having children just like you, but now that I am married and around other peoples children I think I would be go not having one myself. 

Post # 29
Member
5230 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

groomsister35 :  

I actually deleted this original comment because I’m afraid someone might stumble across it lol.

I’m hoping you have the story in your email, if not, it was just a vent about the selfishness

Post # 30
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

I always always always imagined my life with children in it as I thought that was the “done thing”. I’ve changed, or am changing, my mind, I think maybe I’m not cut out to bring up a child…but at least I know that!! What would be selfish is if I then have a child and do not give him/her a good upbringing because of my inability!! There’s no shame in saying you don’t want children it’s an incredible selfless decision 

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