I don't know if I want kids…

posted 2 years ago in No Kids
Post # 31
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

missbennett :  

I can’t wrap my mind around the thought that it is selfish to not want kids.

To have kids so they can care for you later, how is that NOT a selfish reason?

Society is crappy to CFBC women, wouldn’t it be selfish to have a kid just to stop the comments, the negativity, the putdowns?

It’s a selfless decision.

Post # 32
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

itsachickenwingthing :  Oh I completely agree. It sounds ridiculous but at 21, I was like WTf did I get myself in to I have to keep this tiny human alive who is solely dependent on me. When she graduates high school I’ll be 39. Of course she needs to survive that long. She currently has no bedroom door because she slammed it after telling me I was ruining her life for not letting her wear a crop top like her friends. I’m like dude your 11!!! Did you know it’s really easy to take a door off it’s hinges, lol. 

Most days this is me:

Back to the point, OP, no wrong choices, and lots of time in your life to decide what you want. As long as your both clear on communication about what you each want.

Post # 33
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

 

 

becks90 :  as long as you and your honey are on the same page, that is all that matters

Post # 34
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

Sansa85 :  This so much, I was young and made a choice, but my parents were behind me 100% I stayed with them worked hard, paid rent and saved the cash for a deposit on my house. As soon as I could be completely independent I did. If my kid gets something from my parents or any family member it’s a gift given out of love. My sister bought my daugther’s snow suit for $250 this year, her other one still fit fine, but my sister wanted to spoil her. My sister does stuff like that all the time, but then I took her son on an awesome road trip for 10 days with us last summer. I see so many people who have a kid and have no plan, no long term solution to fix their life. Extra benefits are sometimes needed, I used them when I needed. But they’re not a lifestyle choice. 

It galls me so much, my oldest brother has 4 kids, they played the sympathy card for a long time. It drove us all nuts, they’d turn up to family events where each family pays their own and expect everyone else to pay for them, we’d visit and they’d expect family to buy what their kids needed like clothes. The family as a whole basically just completely stopped paying for anything for them. She doesn’t work despite the fact he only makes $2 above minimum wage and the only kid still at home during the day is their youngest who’s 3. Zero reason why at all. They can’t understand why the rest of us have nice stuff, work hard and won’t help them out.

Post # 35
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

Sansa85 :  completely agree, don’t even get me started on the argument that you should have kids to look after you when your old!!!!! Wtf?! As if people do that!! 

I fear all the time I’d be such a shitty mum, Why would I inflict that onto children?! 

Baffles me it really does…but I just get called selfish (along with a shocked face)

Post # 36
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

DaniGirl03 :  

He just got a promotion to a salary at the poverty level which is more than what they made combined (she does 12 hours a week and he does 30) they both work from home online

He was talking about it and said “now Sansas SIL doesn’t have to worry about working!”

I literally laughed at him. Like, out loud, in his face.

It was enough for him to backtrack a little and say he meant she won’t be working three days after the baby comes but I knew what he meant.

It’s been 7 years. And they’ve done nothing to take on the bills my in laws are paying. Just… added a two kids on top of the son they already had when they moved here.

I wish my in laws would stand up and say no more but my Mother-In-Law has a heart of gold 🙁 

Post # 37
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

We’ve actually stopped spending as much time with Brother-In-Law and SIL, we used to see them every week but I just can’t do it anymore.

Post # 38
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

Sansa85 :  I’ve cut down on seeing my brother and SIL too. They live an easy drive like 4 hours all highway. I go there all the time to shop, I don’t even tell thenm I’m coming anymore or see them for like one afternoon, intentionally timed between lunch and supper so I don’t get pulled in to paying something. 

It drives me nuts, their oldest is the same age as my daughter, and there’s 10 months between us we’re step siblings. I made the choice, to work hard, save my cash, buy a house, apply for scholarships, go to school part time, work full time and be a mom. They didn’t and know they’re choked because my Fh and I have sold my house and his house, we’re building a house, getting me a nice e-ring, having a nice wedding, go on trips that we can afford, and I’m getting my very first ever brand new car. I’ve worked hard for this stuff, they haven’t, I’m not paying for their choices. 

When they got married, they booked a private room at a Chinese buffet, we all gave them their gifts, and when the waitress came, they asked for the bill to be split up for each family. I just about killed him, dude I gave you $200, our parents gave you $1000 and you can’t even pay for a cheap buffet for 30 people that you invited. But it’s part of their selfish pattern. My only choice is to avoid them and say no when they ask for stuff.

Post # 39
Member
6300 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Sansa85 :  I think situations like this are really difficult because yeah, your Mother-In-Law could stop helping, but ultimately who will that disadvantage? The children, who didn’t ask to be brought into the world. It must be incredibly difficult to be in that position; I honestly don’t know what I would do.

Post # 40
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

barbie86 :  

EXACTLY. I don’t judge my Mother-In-Law for it because what can she do? I really do feel for her.

Post # 41
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

Sansa85 :  Oh and WTF for not working full time hours between the two of them. When I needed more money, I went out and found more work, I took on catering jobs serving in the evenings, I went and cleaned houses on my days off while my kid was at school.

The biggest way my family helped was by offering to have my daughter pretty much every weekend from Saturday evening and they would drop her off Monday mornings. If I had to pay for a sitter on a weekend to work, it wasn’t worth it for me to work. As soon as I got a job I didn’t work weekends that immediately stopped unless they offered to have her for their fix. I never ask them to have her ever, they always offer, and I always used to ask when they watched her if they were still okay with it, I could find another job that didn’t pay as well if I needed to.

Post # 42
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

DaniGirl03 :  

It’s mind blowing. Our state does not have working requirements so I’m like… well… yeah they are poor and need assistance, they don’t work full time!

You sound like you made so much for yourself, you should be proud. You can’t change their entitlement (it took me a while to realize it too) but you can set boundaries and just limit your time with them

Post # 43
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

Sansa85 :  Oh I’m definitely enjoying the spoils of working hard to get ahead. I had so much fun when I could walk into the Lincoln dealership and pick every single part of my new SUV. Like a ridiculous amount of joy, I have a count down calendar on the fridge for when it gets here. My FH has joked that I’ll sleep in the car I’m that excited. I also got really lucky buying my house before the housing boom happened here and being able to sell it for three times what I paid. My parents loved and supported me, but they didn’t enable me I feel, just helped to guide me towards making the best choices I could.

I know I can’t change their entitlement and attitude, I just put up all the barriers. It’s just so incredibly frustrating for me to watch what they’re doing to their kids. But if I give the kids too much the parents start expecting it of me. I can’t win either way.

Post # 44
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

DaniGirl03 :  

You rock girl. You are a strong and intelligent woman who didn’t expect everyone to take care of your responsibilities. I’m glad you had fun at the Lincoln dealership because you deserved every bit of enjoyment from your hard work. 

I also greatly appreciate the support you give to the CFBC Bees. 

Post # 45
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

groomsister35 :  I honestly really identify with the CFBC bees, It’s a lifestyle I completely understand. I won’t technically be CFBC in 7 years, but it will feel like it. My life doesn’t revolve around my kid, I just adjusted my priorities and expectations. I have zero intentions to have another one either. I love my daughter but one was more than enough. And there are definitely days where running away to join a circus seems like it would be so much quieter lol. 

It’s not that I don’t like other people’s kids, I actually find that it’s that I don’t like other people’s parenting styles. I’m strict, fair and have high expectations, I’m raising a future adult, not a perpetual child. My only friends who are parents, parent similarly to me. I have acquaintances who parent differently, but I almost avoid them, when they have their kids with them more and more, because how their kids act because of how they’re raised scrapes my very last nerve.

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