(Closed) i don’t know if i want to marry into his family

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 17
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3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@loves.pink: Exactly right, my dear.  My life is echoing yours and I know exactly where you are coming from.  Before I met my Fiance, I probably would have mirror replied every other bee on here… but now that I’m living it — it’s a totally new perspective.  Here’s the bottom line for me…. I’m marrying him… he is the one I will live with until my dying day because HE is the one that makes me happy.  His family?  Well they are just my big hump in the road.  It’s actually gotten a little better, but nothing to my own expectations of where I would want an in-law relationship to be and it hurts… but I know deep down inside I would hurt more and long for my fiance if I chose not to be with him because of them (but that’s me). 

I know where you a coming from, my Fiance loves to be with my family and will spend hours more time with my Mom.  And I am thankful for that.  That’s why I said, you can’t pick your parents… just because you’re their child doesn’t mean they have to mesh well.  That’s probably why our men found us… we are more like the them and more compatible.  Everything will fall into place for you… most of all because it sounds like your SO had dedicated himself to you.  I think when you guys are away, it will allow you to focus more on your relationship and I wouldn’t be surprised if you are engaged in the near future.

ETA: And you are soooo right about the “control”.  Logically it all makes sense, they will act up even more during this time.  I went through it, too.

Post # 18
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3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@maureen9004: I struggle with the same feelings, it’s an ongoing process to deal with them… sometimes they just creep up and I’m stuck feeling them again.  It sounds like we all have amazing SO/FI/DH, ect in our life… it’s their love that helps us through it.  I commend them for dealing with it as well, they just aren’t as vocal us, I’m sure.  But I’m sure it’s stressful for the them, too.

Post # 19
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3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@Kant: We also had a Checkwriting Class 101, too.

Post # 20
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131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

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@bellagio: LOVE your picture. Now I have to go watch the movie….

I am in the same situation as OP except reversed. My family dislikes my husband and no matter how many time I have stood up to them, they still don’t accept him. I made the decision to not have the big wedding for this very reason. I wanted to be married to him and I knew that if we started planning a wedding, I wouldn’t hear the end of it. We were engaged for 4 years and had 2 kids, yet they kept telling us we were too young and that we weren’t ready for it. I have been on my own since I graduated high school and I’m pretty sure I know can make my own decisions. So, I did. We went to the courthouse and even though they said they were hurt because they weren’t given enough of a heads up to attend, I don’t care. (Hubby called on a Tuesday and got us an appointment with the mayor for Wednesday morning). They didn’t want us together, I didn’t want them there.

 I’m going to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe he has said something to them about the way they treat you. Truthfully, even sticking up to people doesn’t always work. I have tried for years and it never helped. I made the decision to cut wayyyyy back on my family so I can enjoy the life that my husband and I have created with our children. I don’t think it’s childish to avoid them in this situation. You have to do what is right for you. Good luck!

Post # 21
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@loves.pink: My story is similar to yours and Kant’s.  Can I just ask one question?  Is your boyfriend an only child?  My fiance is and I think that’s why his Mom and his Grandma are so overbearing.  They still treat him like a child.  And I think when we were dating they feared me taking their precious 28 year old son away from them. Weird, I know.  

My Fiance does try to stand up for me and himself but they don’t listen.  I have found that since we’ve been engaged, they are more welcoming.  But they have never left me out of dinners before.  That is strange and very rude.  Maybe just explain to your boyfriend how you feel about being left out of family things like that and you want to go to those events and ask him to discuss it with his mom.  Sometimes guys need things spelled out for them.  He may think you might not want to go.  

I don’t really know anyone who likes their in-laws.  Good in-laws are hard to come by. Marry someone because you love them, not because of their family.  

 

Post # 22
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@Kant: Ha!  I loved reading this.  My Fiance and his family to a T.  He had a joint account with his parents until we got engaged and Fiance is now 30.  And I hear ya, hiding behind all the ettiquette.  Any time I try to talk about anything besides the weather or slightly taboo, they quickly change the subject and put their hands to their faces like “oh dear, what is she going to say.”  I’m loud.  My family is also loud.  Our families haven’t met…I think its going to be interesting. 

Post # 23
Member
5669 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

You would be marrying him not his family. I do not have a good relationship with my in-laws and they treat me awful. While we were dating DH stood up for me and it didn’t change anything their treatment towards me just got a lot worse when we got engaged. DH put his foot down and told them that I was going to be his wife and if they couldn’t treat me with respect then he wanted nothing to do with them. They don’t speak to me and he talks to one or two members of his family every couple of months. I do wish I married into a different family and that the situation was better, but I do not wish I married someone else. I love DH and am so glad I married him and even though the family situation is tough since we have our own strong family unit and he is my protector everything seems to work out. Also you mentioned that he is included with your family which is great. It will come down to the fact that he accepts your family as his own and at least you know you have a support system.

Post # 24
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

@loves.pink: I say your boyfriend needs to man up to his family and let them know their behavior is unacceptable… If he can’t do that than you are forced to make some choices…

Post # 26
Member
4322 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

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@loves.pink: Hey guess what? You are right about the control issues. It sounds to me like you and bf are very young. His parents are used to seeing him as a little boy / teenager, because that’s what he has been for most of his life. This adult thing is a really new and probably scary place for them to enter right now.

Also, considering their little baby boy is moving away is probably impetus for them wanting to spend as much time with him as possible. After all, he’s moving FOR YOU. Not to say that I support their behavior; don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying that it’s logical, and makes sense. I see a counselor, and have for many years. One of the biggest lessons she has imparted upon me is “We teach people how to treat us,” so what your BF needs is consistency.

First, he needs to identify the behaviors he wants them to change. Then, he needs to create boundaries with his family and consequences in the event those boundaries are crossed. He needs to enforce them consistently and not back down, or else their new behavior will not stick. Finally, it would behoove your BF not to accept money from them any longer. You said they enable him by sustaining him? Unless I mistook that, this is not a good scenario. They have him wrapped around their finger to an extent, and he may feel obligated to obey them for this reason. 

Realize, OP, that this is a habit for them, and not necessarily a reflection on their like or dislike of you so much as it is a dislike of “growing apart” with your bf. It doesn’t matter who would have come to sweep him off of his feet, they’d still have issues. Once he’s been firm with them for a while, their behavior will change. Distance may help that. Once that happens, you might be pleasantly surprised at the relationships that will develop with them.

Good luck.

Post # 27
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2004

@loves.pink:  I can totally relate to this. My mother in law is terrible and in a way I regret marrying into my husband’s family. Me husband and I get along great, it’s just that his family was used to controlling him until I came along and I taught him to stick up for himself (somewhat) and they didn’t like it. My mother in law only wants her kids around her, not us “in laws”. Her husband died 29 years ago, and since my husband is the only responsible one in his family, he is like her replacement husband that she depends on for everything. That’s why she didn’t like it when I came along. She is used to all his attention. He has come along way but still needs to learn to stand up for himself and I a lot more. She didn’t like it when any of her kids got married cuz then she had to share them with their spouses. I believe that she is the reason that 3 out of her 4 kids are now divorced (all but us). She also doesn’t like me because I’m a different religion than her and that has been a big issue to her, even though we’re both christian. So, in a way, like someone else said on this page, I wish sometimes I had left the relationship early at the first warning sign before I fell in love with him. If we could at least move away from his family to another town I think that would help, but his mom wants all her kids to live within a few blocks from her forever and makes them feel guilty if they move cuz they’re all she has since she’s been widowed. What’s so frustrating is that his family drives him just as nuts as they do me, and he doesn’t do much about it. I notice this message board is fairly old. Did you end up marrying him?

Post # 29
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I  know your post was published 4 years ago, but what ended up happening? Did you guys end up getting married and is his family nice to you now? Im asking because I have something similar happening to me. 

 

I have been with my bf for 5 years going on 6 at the end of July, and boy is his family a handful!

When i first started going to his house his family was not welcoming at all. The mom was rude but answered when I greeted her but the dad would ignore me. Its not unil a year ago where he was started to respond to my Hi. 

 

The mom and I talk, she even makes us food, gives me a gift for my birthday and christmas but if i say anything that she doesnt like she takes advantage of the oppurtunity to tell me something rude. And she is very rude, really innapropiate. 

 

Some of his other family members when we first met, we didnt hit it off right away, they looked at me  like i was a creature and ignored me, things have improved but theres still some who is obvious they dont like me. One even told my bfs dad to not allow me to be there all day everyday (like if im there all the time, I also have a life) and to kick me out.

 

I just feel that no matter how much I try to get along, try to get them to like me, im never good enough and theyre just mean. 

 

My bf and i have plans for the future but I dont want to be with his family. I would rather end things before things get worst with his family but I dont know what to do because I’m not dating them but that is his family and he is very family orientated.

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