- 5 years ago
I’m a regular bee but wanted to share my story and get unbiased opinions.
I’ve been with Fiance for almost 4 years. There have always been disparities bewteen us, but I’ve been able to deal with them fine our whole relationship, up until now. I’d describe myself as having two sides…one is responsible, conservative, and mature. The other is silly, liberal, wild, and free. Meaning I can handle business one day, then the next do something completely crazy. I like classical music, but also rap. I am extremely politically correct around some, and completely profane around others. I guess you can say I’m multifaceted, or versatile. I can definitely say that my Fiance complements my wild side more than my pragmatic side.
When we met I had a corporate job, and he had a temp job in a mail room. I had a bachelors degree and he had an associates. I had a nice car, my own apartment, and he had a bit of a hooptie and lived with his family. But he treated me better than any other man ever had and he was sweet, thoughtful, and consistent. He picked me up, paid for dates, called, and spent time with me. I didn’t fall for him quickly but when I did it was very certain.
Fast forward a couple of years, I bought my own place, he moved in with me, got a better car, and finished his bachelors degree. I started grad school and was (and still am) with the same job I’ve had since college, while he was on his fourth job since I’d met him.
A few other differences bewteen us…
I’m clean, he’s messy. I eat healthy (most of the time), he eats terribly unhealthy all of the time. I exercise fairly regularly, he barely does. I read, he won’t pick up a book to save his life. I cook, he eats out or picks up food from his mother. I like to go out to social events, he’d rather stay in or hang with friends and family. Not only am I more responsible, but I guess you can say I’m more “cultured”…I like museums, plays, trying new foods, etc. He only likes sports and rap music. I generally like to travel, get out and do things, while he’s more of a homebody.
A couple of other things about him that a lot of people don’t know… he smokes weed and has tried several times to stop but always goes back to doing it. I used to smoke occasionally, and if I do now it’s like once a year. He also says he was molested as a child by an older cousin. (He recently started going to counseling to try to work through these things.)
Fiance lost his job about 6 months ago. He had left a job he was previously at for about a year and a half (the longest I’ve known him to keep a job) to take this job, and they laid him off about 8 months later. I feel that he should have never left his other job simply b/c he didn’t get along with the manager, but supported it at the time because he was so miserable.
Around the same time Fiance was laid off, I received a promotion at work that pushed me into the six figures bracket. I’m sure it was difficult for him, but he was completely supportive and happy for me.
Over the last 6 months Fiance has been unemployed (and collecting umemployment), and on a million interviews. He’s had a few big bills and is also paying back his student loans, so as a result he has drained our joint savings which went from over $3,000 to $300. I paid a few of his large bills for him, a $500 medical bill and gave him some money too b/c I couldn’t bear to see him struggle. (But early in our relationship he ran up a $5000 credit card bill that I had to help him pay off, and he kept withdrawing from our joint savings…would have been more than the $3000). He’s very much a man and wants to be able to pay when we go out and doesn’t ask for anything. It was so hard for him to tell me he could no longer handle his portion of the rent and he paid it for the first 4 months until it got to be too much.
Let me just say that during the time that we’ve been together, Fiance has been the most loving partner a woman could want. He is very much a man, and always takes me out, gets me flowers for no reason, takes me on trips and buys me the sweetest gifts on every occasion, or just because. When he gets food for himself he always gets food for me. He always calls to make sure I’m OK and ask if I need anything. He drops me off at train stations and airports early in the morning and picks me up late at night. He’ll shovel the snow from my car, take the trash out without me asking, try to fix things around the house, carries my bags, and will never let me carry anything heavy. He loves and respects my mother, calls her and likes to go visit her often. He loves family and likes for us to spend time with his. He will do anything I ask, and has tried his best to work on things like not being so messy, not watching so much sports, being more open minded. He struggles with other things I ask him to do though… like eating the healthy meals I make, exercising regularly to stay healthy (his bad cholesterol and triglycerides are through the roof), reading or doing anything educational, coming to my work events or other places outside of his comfort zone. He’s very much a creature of habit.
He always tells me that he grew up in a rough area and his HS friends are in jail or not doing anything with their lives. So he’s very proud of how far he’s come and does want to do even better. I just don’t think he has the ambition, intellectual curiosity, drive, and work ethic to do it. We’re still in our 20s and I know men sometimes don’t mature as fast as women so he has time. But with all the things working against him, I think he’s destined to be a sweet, but lazy, unskilled, slacker (which is harsh, I know). I partially blame his parents…his mother did EVERYTHING for him growing up and his father was working all the time so wasn’t around to discipline him. They’re first generation immigrants so with the language barrier, they weren’t able to really help him or his siblings in school They all have subpar grammar, but are bilingual.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is he’s a GOOD GUY. A sweetheart with great intentions and who knows how to treat his woman. But I dont know if I’ll ever be completely happy with him, given my upbringing/background (grew up in the suburbs with a mom who made sure I was top of my class, 4.0 student, masters degree, great career), and desire for intellectual stimulation. And as I’m getting older I am realizing hom much I truly value things like reading, education, museums, politics, spirtuality. Whle he seems to only value smoking (although he’s trying to stop), hanging with friends/family, fried foods, video games, and TV. I am also becoming more spiritual, as I was raised going to church and with my mom reading the bible to me. Meanwhile he says that while he believes in God, he is not ready to have a relationship with God. He’ll go to church if I make him, but won’t enjoy it and I’ll probably have to argue to get thim there.
Lately I find myself yearning for the things I’m missing from our relationship. Like conversation and interaction with a more mature, responsible, intelligent, knowledgeable, enlightened man. One who values education, health, new experiences, books, and mental elevation.
I can build a life with this man who I love very much and who loves me more than anything, but what will that life be like? I’ll be established in my career while he’s working at low-paying jobs due to lack of skillset. I’ll be paying for most of everything…wedding, mortgage, children, and anything else of substantial cost, probably for a large portion if not the rest of our lives. I’ll be always asking him to improve on this, and clean that, and stop eating those foods, and please do some physical activity, and turn off the TV and read for once. I’ll be miserable, and frustrated. And our kids, what will they be like?
I don’t have the right to change him, even if I think the changes are for the better. Not to mention its unrealistic to try and change someone…even if they are willing they’re not always able. And I know I’m not perfect, but I can say I am a much more capable and conscientous adult than he is.
I don’t want to leave him while he’s down…no job, struggling through his weed addiction and emotional issues. I don’t want to leave him at all. I love him. I want to encourage him, uplift him, empower him.
But I don’t think I have the energy. I just want to be happy, marry a man I can trust with my life and depend on physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I want to have kids and not have to foot the entire bill and put in most of the effort. I don’t want to always be the decision-maker, and wear the pants.
But if I leave and find a guy who fits the things I’m missing, what will be wrong with him?? What flaws will he come with? He probably won’t make me feel as beautiful and special. He probably wouldn’t do anything for me, show his love and affection, and adore me like my Fiance. It makes me so sad to think I’m giving that up.
Yesterday I told my Fiance I don’t feel the same about us. I thought it was only fair. I am seriously contemplating whether I’m happy. It honestly didn’t hit me until a couple of days ago that I might not want to marry him. Now I’ve hurt him, but I realize it’s part of the process. I’m going to get counseling for myself, since he is already in counseling. I don’t want to make any rash decisions.
I don’t know what to do. I love this man.