(Closed) I don't know if I want to marry my FI (Long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@LoveIsNotEasy:  Loving him and being in love with him are obviouslt very different things… it seems like you almost wish he were a different person… like more on your “level” so to speak. I don’t think that is necessarily bad to want, but it’s something that you definitely have to figure out even if it may hurt him, it’s not worth a lifetime of unhappiness for the both of you and that’s what would end up happening. It would be like resentment towards him almost, because you’d constantly want him to change into something he obviously is not. Good luck!!

Post # 4
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hermione married Ron.  Just sayin’…

But in all seriousness, the biggest issue is money and how you get it.  If he isn’t doing what he needs to be a contributing member to the household, you should put off getting married until he can.  It seems that he has trouble holding down a job.  While love is supposed to be about more than just money, money is one of the reasons things fall apart.  

You say you don’t want to change him, but there are some changes that come with growing up.  For example, having a full-time job.  

You said, “I just want to be happy, marry a man I can trust with my life and depend on physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I want to have kids and not have to foot the entire bill and put in most of the effort. I don’t want to always be the decision-maker, and wear the pants.”  Does he make you physically, emotionally, and spiritually happy?  Or is he lacking in more than just the financial part?

Post # 5
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@LoveIsNotEasy:  it comes down to your priorities. For me I honestly wouldn’t even date someone who didn’t have a graduate degree, didn’t like to travel, wasn’t motivated to provide and able to. There is nothing wrong with him per se unless he is wrong for you.

I personally would leave him and in the future only date the type of men I want to be with on every level.If you have doubts you probably should walk away. Why force it if it’ll end in divorce?

In any case I wish you luck figuring this out. You sound like  strong person. I am sure youll find the best route for you to take.

Post # 6
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@LoveIsNotEasy:  It sounds to me that you know exactly what you want out of your partner and that you are getting it on some levels, like he is a caring and loving man but aren’t getting it on other levels like intellectual and spiritual. I think what it comes down to is what you are willing to deal with and accept with your Fiance. Have you ever sat down with him and told him what you stated in this post? I think having a serious heart to heart talk with him about what these things might help give you some perspective. I think sometime some peopel don’t realize that they might not be doing certain things if they aren’t told about it. At least if you talk to him, you are giving him the opportunity to speak for himself and tell you how he feels. If after this talk, you still feel the same way I think it would be the best option to not marry this man. You don’t want to marry him and then later resent him because he is not the man you want him to be. I hope the two of you figure things out and things work out one way or another. Good luck. 

Post # 7
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@peachacid:  hermione was a dirty mud blood who married up.

Post # 8
8091 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@LoveIsNotEasy:  You’re way ahead of millions of other women, just by understanding and accepting this fact here: “I don’t have the right to change him, even if I think the changes are for the better. Not to mention its unrealistic to try and change someone…” You have a tough decision. I wish you well, whatever you decide.

Post # 11
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@LoveIsNotEasy:  Not to mention its unrealistic to try and change someone…even if they are willing they’re not always able.

This. You’ve said it yourself.

Think about how hard it is to change something about YOURSELF, and now imagine trying to change another person.

All those things you’ve just listed about him that drive you nuts. Are those things you can live with, forever? Because they’ll never change. If not, I think you have your answer. 🙁

Honestly, he sounds like a wonderful man. But based on what you’ve written, I think he might not be the *right* man for YOU.

You need to decide what your priorities are. The two biggest issues for me personally would be his seeming lack of career direction, and his lack of intellectual drive. (Actually the biggest issue for me would be the church thing, but I’m very spiritual so I know that’s not a dealbreaker for a lot of people as much as it is for me.)

It sounds like I come from a background similar to yours. I realized after a couple of early relationships that intellect is a huge deal for me. I’m not very patient, so I needed a man who was on par with me intellectually and who ‘got’ me when I wanted to have deeper conversation.

I’m also really wanting kids someday. I don’t know if that’s something you really, really want, but it’s a dream of mine. I needed a man in my life who would be able to support me should I want to take time off to raise children. I’m not saying that I *will*, but it was important to me to have the option.

This is all stuff that I’m sure you already know you need to really think about. There is a trade-off no matter what you choose.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that there isn’t a man out there who won’t treat you well who is also intelligent and stable. Sure, there will also be things about another man that you won’t like- nobody is perfect. But you need to decide if having a partner who is reliable and more cultured is more important than a guy who carries your groceries all the time. (On a sidenote- I get that it’s really nice to have a man who will do all the little things without being asked. But I would venture to say that *most* men, even if they’re not thoughtful enough to do all those things all the time on their own, would be more than happy to do those things for you if you simply ask.)

Post # 12
1372 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If he’s been “on a million interviews” since he was laid off, it doesn’t sound like he’s “an unmotivated slacker.” It sounds like he is a victim of the bad economy (after all, you said he was laid off, not fired) and he’s having a hard time getting hired again, despite his best efforts.

I feel you on wanting him to be more curious about the world, culture, current affairs, etc and that would be a big issue for me too. But I think you are being too hard on him regarding his unemployment. A lot of people are in that situation. Doesn’t mean he won’t excel when he does get hired again.

Post # 13
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I can’t help you with all of it, but there were a few parts of the post that stood out for me.

You said that he eats terribly all of the time and is always eating fast food. Fast food is addictive. It takes quite awhile of not eating it to come off it, and then when you go back the taste is repulsive. My Fiance used to eat a lot more unhealthily than he does now. Since I’ve been cooking for him regularly I’ve gotten him hooked on natural unprocessed food and he finds the processed stuff disgusting now. It sounds like you are concerned (rightly so) about your FI’s health. I would have an honest conversation with him about his eating habits and how they could affect your future and challenge him to not eat any processed food or junk food for a couple weeks to see if he can improve his health. He might find that the longer you eat it the more palatable healthy food becomes because you retrain your taste-buds.

About reading. When Fiance and I met hew was trying to read a book a friend had recommended to him, it took him over a year. I introduced him to some of my favorite authors (we happen to like very similar things) and now he is a reading fiend. I’ve seen him read a book in 3 days now. He’s currently reading a massive 800 page book that he would never have attempted when we first met because he would not have believed that he could read something that long. I think the key to getting people to read is to find something that they are really interested in and entertained by. The books they make you read in highschool are not everyone’s cup of tea, most of them definitely weren’t mine. You might try to find something your Fiance is interested in that isn’t too long and have him give it a try.

You might find that if you can sway him a bit on books and food he might be a bit more open to trying the other things you want to do that interest you. If he really cannot change though, I think you’re going to have to decide if this current lifestyle is something you can live with for the rest of your life.

Post # 15
737 posts
Busy bee

@LoveIsNotEasy:  I met quite a few frogs in my life time (and married one) before I sat down and made a list of all the things I MUST HAVE IN A RELATIONSHIP.  Really right down to the tiny little things.  I then didn’t go out with anyone for 1 year on purpose.  During that year I met my now husband (20 years), but I still didn’t go out with him. I made him wait for the year to be over.  I was really determined to give myself time to really know what I wanted in a relationship before I even committed to going out on a dinner date. He waited!

My husband has all the qualities that you love in your Fiance, and he has a brain, a degree, a great job, contributes equally in the house including financially. So he does all of the things you want your Fiance to do and be.  Yes he has his faults, really can’t cook, but eats healthy and goes to the gym with me etc. etc. We have also raised our 3 girls together (2 are his and 1 is mine).

Honestly, there is no way I could be married to a man who smokes weed, doesn’t have a job, let alone a career that I would be proud to tell other people about, no matter how nice he is to me.  Basically it sounds like he is being nice to you with your own money.  In addition, think about the type of role model he will make for your children.  And then ask yourself… If my best friend were in this type of relationship, what would I say to her.

It’s best to really evaluate this decision before you walk down the aisle.  It is a hard decision and I wish you the best of luck and great happiness for your future.

Post # 16
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@subtlebee:  Draco, is that you? 

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