(Closed) I don't know that I have a groom anymore…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
1030 posts
Bumble bee

ANYONE CAN GET INTO ENGLAND. they stop no one. it’s talked about in this country pretty much daily.

Post # 18
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If you move there and marry him then he has the right to take your passport and not allow you to leave.  Have you never seen Not Without My Daughter?  Go talk to an immigration attorney so you know what you’re getting into.  In many middle eastern countries women are completely subordinate to their husbands and I mean COMPLETELY; they are treated like property.

Post # 19
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Without all the details, this seems very odd.  Is he trying to come to America? Simply being Afghani will not stop him from getting here as far as I know. If he isn’t on any sort of watchlist then why would he be so afraid? Good luck.

Post # 20
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

View original reply
@lookingglass:  Well, they do stop some people, but it really is not hard to enter the UK. Unless there is a reason why he can’t, of course…

I don’t want to accuse people without evidence, but I know that the ANA was implicated in antiquities smuggling, and a few other things, a few years back. Even if he had nothing to do with that, the little suspicious devil in me wonders if he thinks UK customs might like to have a quiet word about a few things like that, and about a few mates of his who might have been involved. Could that be a possibility? I mean, are all his mates totally “halal/kosher”, as it were?

Post # 21
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@rebwana:  This is what I was wondering.

It sounds like you have bigger problems if you can’t even make a wedding happen. Where are you guys going to live once you’re married? Will he just change his mind about filling out forms, travelling, and how other people see him due to his background once you are married? How have you been able to spend enough time together under these circumstances thus far in order to know this man is who you want as your life long husband and presence in your daughters’ lives?

There are many cities in America that really embrace diversity and those who would have a problem with his ethnicity would be the ones looked down upon, not him…

Post # 22
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

how long have you dated? and has most of the relationship involved long distance? this is confusing.

Post # 23
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@txgal:  While I agree that your story needs a little more details like how long have you known each other, where you’re living after the wedding,  etc., I will not accuse a stranger of being a terrorist or smuggler, or anything for that matter.

I honestly think it’s just his fear for change and dealing with the  culture differences and obstacles he’s used to facing. that and he’s a man. i think men by nature are procrastinators. I would recommend you go see a lawyer, perhaps he can explain all the details to him and he’ll understand a little better.

Post # 24
26 posts
  • Wedding: November 2012

Your fiance might be procrastinating, and lord knows he wouldn’t be the first person, but he also might have real fears. And here’s the thing: those fears would be legitimate. Not just because they’re his feelings, but because bad things really have happened to completely innocent foreigners at the hands of the USA (and to a lesser extent the UK). Yes, the probability of him being incorrectly renditioned is incredibly low, but it’s also incredibly terrifying, and it has happened.

I think all the people saying he has nothing to fear and so forth are probably US citizens. Yes, statistically speaking, there is very close to nothing to fear. I can tell you, though, that I – a white, native-English-speaking, friendly-country-citizen who has never put a foot wrong – am FRICKEN TERRIFIED every time I go through US immigration or have any other interaction with the INS. I can’t even imagine how stressful it would be if I was an Afghani male.

I’d encourage the two of you to try and find some concrete things you can do to make him feel safer (and perhaps even BE safer) about the process. For example, maybe he could get a reference letter from a US officer (as high-ranking as possible) that he’s working with, and carry that letter on him when he travels. Someone else mentioned an immigration lawyer, and that’s a good idea – it sounds like you’re going to need one sooner or later.

Post # 25
3216 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

View original reply
@acz:  This is a good reply. His feelings may be totally unfounded and he may have nothing to hide, but no white American citizen should be telling you that he’s just looking to not marry you because they have no idea the culture or lifestyle over there, or what it feels like to be discriminated in airports everywhere. 

Post # 26
2353 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@acz:  Thank you. I’ve seen some really scary stuff go down with bored TSA agents. There were TSA agents in an American airport recently who refused to let a woman board a plane because she had drunk the water in her water bottle before throwing it away in the big trash can and they felt like she had an attitude. I have been badly fondled by TSA and was helpless, in tears, because I could do nothing to stop them. Can you even imagine what they might do to harrass an innocent but foreign-looking man? This is just the TSA, not even immigration, who have badly mistaken identities and incorrectly held innocent foreign nationals (and since the people being held are not entitled to counsel, it takes forever to even discover that immigration made a mistake). Yes, the Afgan National Army are our allies, but it’s hard to remind the people in airports who start in fear at every dark person they see. 

Your fiance has legitimate fears. Be patient with him, and try to figure something out. Get an immigration lawyer who can work with both of you – you’ll be able to ease his fears much better if he feels like he has someone who can help you if things go wrong. 

Post # 27
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

The last 3 posts from

View original reply
acz: ,
View original reply
bookworm88: and
View original reply
ProfessorGirl:  are filled with good common sense and strong advice.

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) / Homeland Security / Customs & Immigration folks can be a fearful set for many… and they have unheard of powers of detainment (Border & Immigration Folks the world over live by a whole other set of rules… Travellers are at their mercy… they do a very important job in protecting their countries… BUT they do have an INCREDIBLE wide scope for a mandate)

As someone who travels a lot… I get it.  I have awesome respect for the folks who do these jobs, but I have to say that even as a White Anglo-Saxon Woman crossing the Border or getting on a US Flight (or bound flight) is something I NEVER enjoy… it is very stressful.

And yes there are some real “cowboys” that work the lines (no matter which country’s border).  And sometimes it would appear that they love nothing better than to hassle people.  It takes everything as a Traveller sometimes not to make a snarky comment, complain… or argue with them (NEVER EVER argue with a Customs Official.  Keeping calm is ALWAYS the best way thru the ordeal)

So I get it.

When coming thru “controlled air space” (which is what many allied countries now call it) one oftentimes needs a Visa… even if they will never go any farther than that country’s airport lounge, awaiting the next flight.  This is how their Border Officials & Immigration keep tabs on WHO is in their country.

And ya it sucks.  It sucks more if you come from one of the short list of countries that the US has “strained” relations with.  So YES even tho your Fiance is considered a “friend” of the USA… as an Afganhi Citizen there are many in the world, who might not see things that way.

Racial Profiling is alive and well… Sad fact

I also understand his hesitation… when one lives in a country where things are done differently due to circumstance (poor country – 3rd world – war torn) that there also is a general bad taste / mistrust towards Government Officials (in that where they come from many of those are the biggest culprits being most corrupt).  So having to deal with red-tape, and such can be seen as a HUGE PITA and worry about “what might happen” to them

I honestly think that your best bet… might be to contact an Immigration Lawyer… if for nothing more than a “chat” about the situation… and maybe pick their brain a bit.

Be aware tho, that they are EXPERTS… and if you hire them to take your case (which they probably can expedite for you) that the cost of doing business them can be SUBSTANTIAL (my one run in with a US Immigration Lawyer took less than an hour of his office’s work time… photocopying documentation, and putting it in a nice binder… another 10 Minutes at US Customs … and cost over $ 10,000 US to rectify which was a pretty simple case under the Canada-US-Mexico NAFTA Agreement so I could obtain a US Work Permit)

Hope this helps,

PS… I do want to say for the record tho I do have a Few RED FLAGS flying over your posting.  As he is from another country… and obviously you haven’t been there, or he here… I have to Question how much time you two have actually spent together in person (if ever).  For me, that is quite worrysome.  Marriages are hard enough… the failure rate for marriages where couples haven’t spent substantial time in beforehand is STAGGERING.  As the mother of two children, I’d seriously be concerned about this issue not only for their peace of mind… but also your own.   Perhaps you two should look at an Engagement Period together of several months BEFORE you go thru with the Marriage.  IMO that would be best.


Post # 28
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

FYI.. women aren’t considered “property” in Afghanistan. In the culture there’s a lot of “respect” to be shown to men and just respect in general. There are PLENTY of outspoken women in afghanistan, they arent enslaved to men or considered “property.” Yeah there are some screwed up cases out there that you hear on the news about how women are treated and abused or acid thrown on their faces for disobeying. But not every Afghan family in Afghanistan is horrible. I roll my eyes at the strange things ppl assume about all Afghans. If an american woman did live in afghanistan married to an afghan man, she wouldnt be considered “property.” Every family has their own dynamics and rules. So stop with the silliness. 

Afghanistan is a war ridden country and it’s definitely not a place that I would recommend for you to move to with your kids. Especially that you are American, it may put you and your kids in danger, it doesnt mean theres bombs and firepower going off in every direction, but I know you wont feel safe there, so you should never consider it an option.

If he is helping the US Army, that automatically puts him in a compromising position. That probably means he has to be careful no actual Talibans find out, (if he is Afghan). My best friend married a man from Afghanistan and he was an interpreter for the US, and helped out the US. And that was a risky job bc he could easily be kidnapped or be killed etc, and its a very risky position to be in considering bombs can go off at any moment or guns could be fired while hes doing his job. My best friend went to Afghanistan to marry him and have her wedding there (she is Afghan herself), but she had to come back to the states without her husband until it took approx 2-3 years for him to be able to finally come to the US. In Afghanistan, the dept where they try to process paperwork to be able to send ppl to the states, they pretty much dick u around. That’s why a lot of Afghans give up hope at times. I remember my besties husband constantly went there to ask about his paperwork, they would always tell him to come the next day or next week. He knew they had their paperwork. They were just being dicks. Also, my friends husband should have easily been able to go to UK and stay there, but he never did, and I never really thought of it or asked why, bc he has relatives in the UK, but there may be reasons behind things that we Americans dont know about. I’m not educated in the ways of the embassy and how things work. I just speak of things I’ve heard about it. 

It’s easy for anyone to feel like losing hope when you have to deal with this on a daily basis. So I’m just giving some insight as well, for those who might not understand the circumstances on the guy’s side. 

People are so quick to jump to “red flag” statements when no one understands the real situation and the full story. Why are people so quick to encourage giving up? 

I’m only speaking based off the info you have provided. I’m sorry you are going through this and wish you the best. I wish you could have given more info about the situation, like how long you guys have been together etc, and how the talks of marriage came to be, and how often you got to see him. Its hard to tell anything based of little info, if hes not into pestering the correct authorities that’s on him. (if its just him being lazy). But you have to consider, this stuff takes time. I’ve had relatives wait 4+ years til they get to bring their wives/ husbands to the US. My best friends husband was able to come in 2 years bc he had some higher priority since he was working with the US, etc. Just some things to consider. 

Is he Afghan?

Post # 29
6255 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

You have met this guy in person, right?

Post # 30
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

View original reply
@acz: and 
View original reply
@bookworm88:  both said what I wanted to say. I feel like a lot of women on this board are just looking for red flags. When things look hopeless, I tend to avoid them for as long as I can, because I get tired of hearing No all the time.

Maybe something is shady, but I’m not going to jump to any sort of conclusion that it is. I’m going to take my own limited worldview and apply it to the situation. I don’t think this is easy for him. He could possibly be a bit beaten down, which I can relate to. If you both want to marry,give it time and see what happens. You can likely work through this together.

Post # 31
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

… I think I should say that I feel like I came across as a real **** in my last post… just wanted to explain why I said what I did.

The UK does not rendition people like the US. That’s not to say we don’t do bad things, but we don’t just lock people away in secret prisons. Also, our immigration guys are not like the US guys. They have a sense of humour. They are polite. You have nothing to fear. Actually, one of the reasons I have never been to the US is because I was so afraid of customs etc (you hear stories). So rest assured, getting into the UK will be far less of an issue.

… now for the army bit. I used to work for the (territorial) British army, with a bit of FTRS (full-time) during that period. I was not an officer. I know from experience that regular soldiers can be into all sorts of dodgy stuff (not necessarily smuggling though!). And I’ve been called in before to answer a few choice questions on some of my collegues’ extracurricular activities. It is not fun. At one stage, I was told I could face charges unless I shared what I knew. Probably an empty threat, but still. The thing was, I genuinely couldn’t answer because I took great care to not know anything. As far as I was concerned, the less I knew about anyone else’s business in that regard, the better.

… so I was just suggesting that maybe your other half could be worried lest he find himself at immigration, looking at photos of his mates whilst a big bloke stands over him and demands he spill the beans on his (ex, or soon to be ex) friends’ activities (trust me… it can be scary!).

That was the only legitimate fear I could think of… the only legitimate reason that I think (in my ignorance) that he might have to fear. If that’s not an issue, I can’t see a problem entering the UK.

Once again, sorry for coming across like such a **** before…

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