- 5 years ago
About 2 years before I met my Fiance, I was dating someone else. It was a new relationship and I was still friends with an ex.
One night I went out with said ex and some other friends. We went to a lounge for some drinks and the ex was our Dirty Delete, so I had quite a few drinks. One of the guys that was there was a stranger to me, but friends with my friends and I trusted him when he suggested I get a particular drink “that tastes like fruit punch.” Someone brought me that drink and after having that drink, things get a little fuzzy. I felt myself go completely numb and things start to go black. I remember pieces of the night, including crying, not being able to hold myself up, and vomitting a lot. I had never before blacked out or vomitted and I’ve had a lot to drink before. The next thing I remember is being in a car on a highway, presumably on the way home.
And then.. waking up undressed with my ex’s shirt on, my very skimpy underwear, in my ex’s bed. At the time, I was 23, but I was still living at home, not really “permitted” to stay out the night, and I never had. Not only that – I was DATING SOMEONE ELSE (ex had just found out that night that I had slept with him). He took my friggin bra off, knowing that (at that time) I slept with my bra on!
His reasoning for undressing me was that I had poured bottles of water on myself and was wet. His reasoning for not taking me home was that I refused to get inside my house bc I didn’t want my parents to know I was drunk. I did have a female friend with me that night, she said that I was being “really drunk-girl annoying, crying and whining” and that she just wanted to go home, which is why she got dropped off first.
The next day, I went and got a rape kit done. They asked me if I wanted to report it, I said no. They told me I had 30 days to go to the police and they’d save the rape kit for me. On day 27 or 28, I went and reported it. I was interrogated by a bunch of male cops and eventually assigned a detective who told me that I couldn’t articulate a crime and therefore the DA wouldn’t test my kit for me.
I spent the next 2 years practically begging my ex for answers. He looked like he was lying when he told me nothing happened. He told me I had come on to him, even grabbing his penis, but that he SWORE he did nothing to me and even “undressed me in the bed under the sheets so that he wouldn’t see anything.” I call BULLLLLL on that last bit especially. Eventually, I gave him a deadline – take a lie detector to prove it to me or lose me as a friend. He said he couldn’t afford it and we stopped speaking. It’s been about 4 years since then.
This past week, I spent a few days with a group of people who constantly asked me why I wasn’t drinking and offering me drinks. I had a bit of a breakdown and stayed in my hotel room for the most part until a friend came and asked me why I was being so antisocial and I broke down and told her what happened to me. She’s been great and is really pushing me to finally see a counselor. I have an appt on Mon…
But I feel so silly going. I’m usually fine. I don’t know if anything happened, but I’ll never know and I guess I just have to move on. I learned my lesson – I don’t drink anymore, maybe one or two drinks, and I certainly watch the bartender now when they make the drinks. I only drink more if my Fiance is around to protect me. But I can’t stop thinking about it this week. It really is all consuming and I’m obsessing over every detail. I don’t know how to just stop and go back to being fine again. I feel like I’m coming to the realization that maybe I’m not fine. I just want to lay in my bed and go over all the details over and over again until .. I don’t know, I figure something out or the end changes in my head.
I really should have known better not to trust him. I knew he was a liar. I shouldn’t have had so much to drink. I shouldn’t have accepted a drink from a stranger. And so, I just don’t drink anymore in group settings and it just makes me really uncomfortable. The one thing I’m upset about is how my ex just “couldn’t let go” of me – he acted like I was still his gf, taking me home to “take care” of me and “let me sober up” – but I didn’t wake up until several hours later in the morning when I woke up on my own (completely sober) and then he finally took me home.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Do you guys think something more than what I already know happened? What do I do now to get over this? I feel like I’m maybe feeling a bit better, but I just don’t know anything anymore. I do have my counseling appt on Monday.. but I don’t even know how to start that conversation. I feel so stupid, “About 6 years ago, I don’t know what happened to me and now I’m getting upset about it?” Ugh.. I don’t even know anymore..