Post # 1
I got engaged just over 2 weeks ago. My fiance and his family are amazing. They have been very welcoming and loving from the beginning. In contrast, my parents have REFUSED to meet my fiance. They know a little about him and have seen a couple of pictures of him. However, because he is not who they envisioned me marrying, they won’t accept him. My fiance and I have been together for 2 years. In the beginning, my mom used to do so many different things to upset me and guilt me. When I first told her I was dating him, she spent the rest of that day sobbing. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even mention his name anymore. My dad unfriended me on facebook because he didn’t like that my profile picture was a picture of my fiance and me. We’ve gone together as a family to my psychologist but no progress has been made. My parents are conservative, strict, Asian parents. They don’t like my fiance because he is not pureblood and because of his appearance (he is overweight). I still live at home and my parents have a very, very, very strong hold over me. I’m 28 and will be graduating with a doctorate degree in a couple of months. I’m in complete fear of my parents. I’m scared to tell my mom when I go out because I’m afraid of how she will react.
I haven’t told my parents about the engagement yet. I don’t know when to tell them. Another, even bigger issue, is that my fiance’s mom has cancer. She isn’t sure how long more she is going to live. We brought up December 2015 as a potential wedding date and even that worried her. As I have major anxiety when I tell my mom that I’m going out, I can’t even fathom being able to tell my mom that my fiance and I want to get married ASAP. We have brainstormed different ideas, including having two “ceremonies” – one in the near future and then a bigger one in 1-2 years. I don’t know what would make my parents come around, but I think time could help, so I can’t see them supporting me if I get married in the near future. I’ve suggested just getting married and having my fiance’s parents, but not inviting his two siblings. I’m not sure how he feels about that and I do feel guilty excluding people.
I really don’t know what to do. I’ve been pretty miserable about the entire situation with my parents and now it has reached the point where something drastic may need to happen. I fear I may be disowned. I have always been the “model” daughter, very obedient. Ever since I started dating my fiance though, they’ve made me feel like I’ve failed them and I’m doing everything wrong.
I would appreciate any suggestions or even just some encouragement. Thank you.
Post # 2
I’m sorry you’re going through this it sounds very difficult. I’m sorry I don’t have any good advice for how to approach this. I guess to some extent you have to decide if you want to be with your fiance more than you want your parents approval. I’m sure that is much easier said than done… It’s incredibly difficult to rebel against your parents when you have been raised to feel that being obedient is a big part of your self esteem. If you’re still going to counseling, perhaps you could ask the counselor privately if they have any ideas how you can approach your parents, or maybe tell them as part of a session. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it must be incredibly hard, my thoughts are with you… HUGS
Post # 3
Honestly? If you are prepared to break away from your parents and make this step, I think you should have a small elopement-style ceremony at the courthouse. Invite only your parents and his parents. If your parents will not come, then say that you will miss them, but that you will respect their decision to not come. Then proceed with a courthouse ceremony with only his parents present.
Post # 4
That’s a difficult situation. You want to respect your parents while establishing your life with your Fiance. You’ve probably already done this, but I would play up your FI’s strengths, what you love about him, what a good long term partner he can be. I would find a way for them to meet even if your parents don’t want to.
If you are sure you want to marry sooner rather than later for your FI’s mom, you should do it. Let your parents know that you encourage them to be a part of your new life, but be prepared for wrath. I would also try to move out and cut the cord if you’re going to stick to your guns with your Fiance. Hopefully, they will come around eventually.
Post # 5
What if you got thru the doctorate program, then told your parents about your engagement and invited them to your small ( but not tiny) autumn wedding?
I worry that your parents may feel that they can/should use the fact that you live at home while finishing your doctorate as leverage to try to stop you from making what they see as a bad decision. (Not agreeing with them) If you announce your engagement at the end of your doctorate, that gives you a more independent position and may cause your parents to be more circumspect in their behavior.
Also finishing your doctorate and planning a wedding sounds too stressful.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
There comes a time when you have to claim your life. It’s a gift, and it’s yours. You can’t live your life to please others, unless you want to be unhappy.
It’s difficult, but it’s simple.
Post # 7
if you love this man, vice versa stick by his side. All that matters. In laws can be common to not get along but unfortunate. All that matters is you twos Union w each other. Don’t let others behavior influence your relationship. Keep it private and if it means having to make adjustments for the wedding day that’s fine. You can’t please everybody and sure can not save everyone either. Nothing you can fix, but something to love forward on with HIM! Best wishes and blessings.
Post # 8
My plan is to try to introduce my parents to my fiance (maybe not mentioning the fiance part) and his family at graduation. They may just walk away but at least they won’t cause a big scene there. I’m scared to talk about him with my parents. They find ways to make backhanded comments all the time. They criticize other fat people and I know they’re doing that to get a point across to me. My fiance went to an ivy league school for college and my mom says that people who went to ivy league schools are not practical. My mom criticizes his race, his family background (he comes from a nice, loving, stable and very close-knit family), and his career choice (we met in the same graduate program). She finds a way to turn everything into a negative. My dad seems to only be focused on the ethnicity and weight factors.
I don’t want my mom to suffer. She cries, she doesn’t sleep. My dad has said before that he would probably lose contact with me if I were to continue the relationship. I’ve always been so close with my parents. I told both my mom and dad everything. Now I rarely tell them what’s going on in my life since my fiance is involved in a lot of aspects. Sometimes, I dread even spending time with them because I don’t know if they’re going to make some hurtful comment. Whenever I spend time with them, I also think about how I feel so hurt by the way they’ve been treating me. I feel like they do not respect me as an individual. Instead, I have to share their same values and beliefs. If I ever do anything different from what they’ve expected of me, they won’t love me anymore and they will be disappointed in me. I’ve already seen hints of this happening with my career choice. I know I can’t live my life to please them, but it’s so hard for me to separate from them.
I actually would really like to move out because it has been quite disheartening to be living at home. However, I do have financial considerations. Moving in with my fiance is an option, but my parents told me before I even started dating ever, that I couldn’t live with someone before I was married.
Post # 9
take it one day at a time. Parents will not approve of
your choices noW, but they can come to accept him- you know why? Because he loves you. Don’t move out in a hurry just to be landed back in.
Focus on you and him and your courtship, how to plant seeds in one another to grow stronger with another. Take the time you have at home to strengthen your mind and emotions and spirit. Share that with your Fiance. Begin a healthy lifestyle mentally and physically.
oh well- weight and race!? You can find peace within yourself. You told them how you feel, you took it to the table, now leave it there. My heart goes out to You. You love him… hard to blow off what they think but oh well
to what they think. Your choices effect your future. Is it worth it?
Post # 10
As a parent myself I understand the need to respect your family, however my gut reaction is you need to live your own life. You only get one and if you give it to your family… you see my point.
If you decide not to sacrifice your happiness for your parents sake in any scenario and their reaction is to disown you, then that’s their decision unfortunately. You can’t influence their reaction and it’s not your responsibility. Worrying about what they’re going to do is useless. What matters is you make yourself as content and happy with your life as possible. So now you need to decide where your priorities lie.
Post # 11
So a few days ago, my Fiance and my families were at an event together. I asked my parents if they wanted to meet FI’s parents, who at one point were standing less than 10 feet away from them. They still refused. My mom worked really hard to avoid Fiance and his family all night. She always retreated when she saw them and there was always a look of disapproval on her face. I can’t take it anymore. Should I just break off the engagement, cut ties with my family, and move away?
Post # 12
As someone who had a comparable parental situation, I want to take you through the mental process that worked for me:
Ask yourself one question:
What does your ideal future look like?
And then remember one thing:
You are the only one with the power to make it look that way.
If your Fiance is the one for you, you have to think long term. If you want to be with him and start a family with him, you have to let go of your parent’s judgement and start taking steps forward towards your future family.
Post # 13
So I’m getting married in 61 days. My fiance and I are going on a trip with his family then and it seemed like his mom was excited about the potential of having us get married on that trip. The problem is that my parents will definitely not be there. At this point, I’d still bet against them coming to the wedding even if I were having it at home. Should I tell them before I leave for the trip that I will be getting married on the trip? Should I just wait until I come home and am married? Am I making a big mistake?!
Post # 14
I think you should invite them. Be the bigger person and give them one more chance. tell them how much you love them and how much their support means to you. But if they refuse, make it clear you are going ahead with the wedding with or without them. Then continue on with your planning and enjoy this special time with your Fiance. The two of you will need to be a strong support system for each other in the months and years ahead.
If you don’t tell them about it, they will hold it over your head forever. By telling them, it puts them in the position of having to make a choice.
Post # 15
Even if I invite them though, there is no way that they will be going on the trip (can’t take off of work, finances). It’s kind of too late to cancel the wedding now…
I guess I kind of made an impulsive decision after what happened on my graduation day when they flat out refused to meet my Fiance and his parents even though they were just a few feet away. They also haven’t even mentioned anything about the engagement (while I haven’t told them anything, I’m 99.9% sure that they know I’m engaged).