(Closed) I don't know what to do

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I’m sorry you’re going through this it sounds very difficult. I’m sorry I don’t have any good advice for how to approach this. I guess to some extent you have to decide if you want to be with your fiance more than you want your parents approval. I’m sure that is much easier said than done… It’s incredibly difficult to rebel against your parents when you have been raised to feel that being obedient is a big part of your self esteem. If you’re still going to counseling, perhaps you could ask the counselor privately if they have any ideas how you can approach your parents, or maybe tell them as part of a session. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it must be incredibly hard, my thoughts are with you… HUGS

Post # 3
Member
536 posts
Busy bee

Honestly? If you are prepared to break away from your parents and make this step, I think you should have a small elopement-style ceremony at the courthouse. Invite only your parents and his parents. If your parents will not come, then say that you will miss them, but that you will respect their decision to not come. Then proceed with a courthouse ceremony with only his parents present. 

Post # 4
Member
7887 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

That’s a difficult situation. You want to respect your parents while establishing your life with your Fiance. You’ve probably already done this, but I would play up your FI’s strengths, what you love about him, what a good long term partner he can be. I would find a way for them to meet even if your parents don’t want to. 

If you are sure you want to marry sooner rather than later for your FI’s mom, you should do it. Let your parents know that you encourage them to be a part of your new life, but be prepared for wrath. I would also try to move out and cut the cord if you’re going to stick to your guns with your Fiance. Hopefully, they will come around eventually. 

Post # 5
Member
533 posts
Busy bee

Congratulations!

What if you got thru the doctorate program, then told your parents about your engagement and invited them to your small ( but not tiny) autumn wedding?

I worry that your parents may feel that they can/should use the fact that you live at home while finishing your doctorate as leverage to try to stop you from making what they see as a bad decision. (Not agreeing with them) If you announce your engagement at the end of your doctorate, that gives you a more independent position and may cause your parents to be more circumspect in their behavior.

Also finishing your doctorate and planning a wedding sounds too stressful. 

Post # 6
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

There comes a time when you have to claim your life. It’s a gift, and it’s yours. You can’t live your life to please others, unless you want to be unhappy.

It’s difficult, but it’s simple.

Post # 7
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
soy_leaf8:  if you love this man, vice versa stick by his side. All that matters. In laws can be common to not get along but unfortunate. All that matters is you twos Union w each other. Don’t let others behavior influence your relationship. Keep it private and if it means having to make adjustments for the wedding day that’s fine. You can’t please everybody and sure can not save everyone either. Nothing you can fix, but something to love forward on with HIM! Best wishes and blessings. 

Post # 9
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
soy_leaf8:  take it one day at a time. Parents will not approve of

your choices noW, but they can come to accept him- you know why? Because he loves you. Don’t move out in a hurry just to be landed back in.

Focus on you and him and your courtship, how to plant seeds in one another to grow stronger with another. Take the time you have at home to strengthen your mind and emotions and spirit. Share that with your Fiance. Begin a healthy lifestyle mentally and physically.

oh well- weight and race!? You can find peace within yourself. You told them how you feel, you took it to the table, now leave it there. My heart goes out to You. You love him… hard to blow off what they think but oh well

to what they think. Your choices effect your future. Is it worth it? 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by  mandii555.
Post # 10
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

As a parent myself I understand the need to respect your family, however my gut reaction is you need to live your own life. You only get one and if you give it to your family… you see my point.

If you decide not to sacrifice your happiness for your parents sake in any scenario and their reaction is to disown you, then that’s their decision unfortunately. You can’t influence their reaction and it’s not your responsibility. Worrying about what they’re going to do is useless. What matters is you make yourself as content and happy with your life as possible. So now you need to decide where your priorities lie. 

Post # 12
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

As someone who had a comparable parental situation, I want to take you through the mental process that worked for me:

Ask yourself one question:

What does your ideal future look like?

And then remember one thing:

You are the only one with the power to make it look that way. 

If your Fiance is the one for you, you have to think long term. If you want to be with him and start a family with him, you have to let go of your parent’s judgement and start taking steps forward towards your future family.

Post # 14
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

View original reply
soy_leaf8:  I think you should invite them. Be the bigger person and give them one more chance. tell them how much you love them and how much their support means to you. But if they refuse, make it clear you are going ahead with the wedding with or without them. Then continue on with your planning and enjoy this special time  with your Fiance. The two of you will need to be a strong support system for each other in the months and years ahead.

If you don’t tell them about it, they will hold it over your head forever. By telling them, it puts them in the position of having to make a choice. 

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