(Closed) I Don't Know What To Do….

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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Katspe724:  I’m a little confused. You both put all of your paycheck into one joint account? He then pays the rent from this joint account and you pay the rest? The joint account has an attached savings for the Wedding. OR You have non joint accounts as well? 

Is he using the money from the Wedding savings for the rent OR he is taking money for himself? 

Post # 3
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

So if he takes out money from the wedding fund, which you put in out of your paycheck, where is his paycheck going?

It’s concerning that he’s doing it without telling you, getting defensive instead of sitting down and discussing finances like an adult with you.

If you can’t trust him not to do this, I suggest you keep all of your accounts separate. Which is a concern for a couple about to marry (not the separate accounts being a concern, but the reason behind them being necessary)

Post # 4
Member
7887 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What does he do with the money that he takes from the wedding account? He needs to better communicate with you about the finances, but it sounds like he could be purposely hiding something from you. I would want this issue straightened out before proceeding with a wedding. Financial conflicts can easily tear apart a couple. 

Post # 5
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Does he at least explain what he is using the money on? Either way, that is not right at all. Finances are the root of many a problem in marriages, so the fact that he feels not communicating with you about finances is ok – that will cause problems ahead. 

Is your problem that he takes money out? Or that he doesn’t tell you first? 

Post # 6
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Maybe instead of approaching it as “why are you taking this money” you can ask whether your financial arrangement is working for him.  

Post # 7
Member
14492 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m going to be blunt and honest, I would put off marrying a man that I wasn’t on the same page with fiscal accountability and responsibility. To me, him saying that “I pay the rent” is diminishing not only your financial contributions to the household but also invalidating and disrespecting your mutual agreement not to mention just being completely belittling. Being an equal partner in a relationship is important as is respect and his actions plus that statement don’t say that he thinks of you as equal nor does it show any respect, it sets him above you as superior. 

Post # 8
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee

Create a bill schedule based on your paydays. Assign one of you to pay each bill and inform each other when its going to happen. If all of this is coming out of the same account you have to communicate with each other when this is happening to avoid overdraft fees.

Was your agreement he would pay rent with the money from this account or his own money? If it was his own money, you have to talk about this. He can’t be using your combined money that is set aside for your wedding on monthly bills. Some people dont have great financial skills, I am not great but get by and my husband is awful. We do share an account and we have worked through a lot of issues. If you are sharing an account, he cannot take money out without telling you. Especially if this money is ear marked for your wedding. I would change the pin number so he can’t take any more out and create a schedule with hiim based on his paydays when he will put the money he took back. 

Maybe a financial counselor or therapist could help you work through some of this stuff. Money is a big issue in marriages so getting a system in place now that works for you both is important. Some couples do better if they each have their own account. Some work better with a couple of shared accounts. There is no right or wrong way, its what works for you. 

Good luck, bee. 

Post # 9
Member
9149 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
Katspe724:  If you made an agreement and he keeps breaking the agreement, that means he doesn’t agree with it anymore. So the question is, is the agreement unreasonable, or is he? I would revisit the agreement and see where he thinks it’s off. Does the rent take up his whole paycheck? If he has no “fun money” left over, that’s probably frustrating and I would try to see if it’s possible to pay the bills, save for the wedding, and still give each of you a little fun money. If he already has a good amount of discretionary money though, and he still thinks he needs an extra $15 a day for lunches out, or an extra XBox game that wasn’t budgeted for, that might need more discussion. Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
3679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

What is he spending the money on?

Post # 11
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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Katspe724:   He has done this repeatedly.   Is he unable to pay the rent without taking money from your so-called wedding fund?  Or does he see the wedding fund as available cash?

In any case, financial responsibility is a huge issue.  He is showing how he handles finances.  You need to decide if you can accept him taking money designated for other things.  

Post # 12
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

Why does he have to pay all the rent when you make more money? Maybe he can’t cover it on his own and he’s too embarrassed to bring it up.

Post # 13
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Nope, deal breaker. I know too many friends who have problems in their marriage because of money. He is a liar and is disrespectful to you and your money. This is the same as him going into your purse without telling you and stealing. 

Post # 14
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
Katspe724:  My husband and I have all our accounts joint and have done so since we bought our house. We don’t really monitor each others spending but we do discuss big purchases before making them. However if my DH was constantly taking money from our savings without discussing it with me I would have a huge issue with that. In my opinion being on the same page financially is super important and will be crucial as you move forward in marriage.

 

Also, what is he spending the money on? That would matter to me too. If DH needed to take money from our savings for a legitimate reason that would be much different than if he was constantly taking money from savings to buy stuff for himself he didn’t need and we couldn’t afford. 

I would sit down and talk with him about how you don’t want to control his money or what he spends money on but if he needs to borrow from the ‘wedidng fund’ you’d appreciate him consulting you and discussing it with you so you don’t have to find out on your own. If you don’t have openess and honesty regarding your finances now it will set you up for major arguments later in your marriage and financial incompatability is a major factor in divorce as well. 

Post # 15
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Do NOT marry him until you figure this out.  Money issues are a very real thing and they are also can be a major cause of conflict in relatinoships and especially marriages.  It is incredibly important that you figure this out NOW, before you get married.

The very first thing I would do is sit him down and discuss your current situation.  Is he ok with your current financial arrangement?  Can he afford the rent?  If not, how can you change how you pay for things?

If it turns out that he can afford rent and he is just taking money from the joint wedding account that is a MAJOR issue.  As in, I wouldn’t marry him and I would break up if that were the case.  It’s one thing if he is embarrassed that he can’t afford the rent in its entirety, but if he is just taking money without telling you that is incredibly dishonest.

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