(Closed) I don’t know what to do..

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am so sorry about what your Fiance and you are going through. I am glad his dad is on the mend though.

What does your Fiance say about the situation. I think that what he wants to do would be the deciding factor.

Post # 4
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would feel horrible completely cancelling everything that you have now since people have booked flights, hotels, etc.  I would wait until it gets closer and if he isn’t well enough to go, maybe have a small ceremony there and then Skype him into the big enchilada wedding?

Post # 5
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Your Future Mother-In-Law is obviously emotional and thinking of what would be the best for her and Future Father-In-Law only.  Unfortunately, you still need to consider the feelings of everyone else.

My vote would be for the small intimate ceremony with your Future In-Laws, and the vow exchange with all your friends/family with the big show ceremony.  That is the best compromise.  I think you should give your Future Mother-In-Law two options to choose from.  One, you can skype them into the big wedding.  Two, you can do what was mentioned above.  Explain to her that there are a LOT of people to consider in this situation, and that you’ve already paid for everything anyway, so adding a second super expensive ceremony would be impractical, as no one will be attending that one even if you DID move your wedding.

I’m sorry your Future Father-In-Law isn’t doing well, but I’ll cross my fingers that he gets better in time to be able to fly out!

Post # 6
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think that cancelling/moving at this point is really really unfair to the guests who have already booked flight/hotels/taken vacation to come to your wedding.

If you cancel/move at this point, those people could lose their money for the flights, hotel deposits etc.

I think you should wait and see, and I think a good solution would be to do the wedding as planned and skype to the FIL’s … 


Post # 7
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m so sorry, Cliffette.  

I agree with the other ladies that you should wait and see what happens, since you have a couple of weeks before you need to make a decision.  If it turns out that Future Father-In-Law can’t make it, how about a small ceremony/party in his hometown a week or so before, then continue on with your original plans the following week?  I know it’s not ideal, but that way hopefully both your families could make it to at least one ceremony/reception.  I’m sure your in-laws would understand that planning for (and paying for) a last-minute full-blown wedding in their town would be very difficult and unfair to your family and friends who’ve already made travel plans.  However, you can replicate some of the main features of a wedding reasonably cheaply, and give both families the experience of being there.  Do you know anyone in their town with a big backyard?  You can dress up, buy some flowers, hang up Christmas tree lights, get some food from Costco, and play music on a stereo.  I know it seems a bit odd to have 2 weddings, but it might help everyone feel included.  We wound up doing this because my dad got very sick right before our wedding and couldn’t travel.  My parents really appreciated seeing us get married, and we had a last-minute backyard reception.  Then we repeated the ceremony 2 days later in our originally-scheduled location in front of friends and my husband’s family (who hadn’t been able to come to the last-minute first wedding) and had the originally-scheduled (and already paid for) reception.  We called it a two-day vow renewal (since we were legally married the first time around), but no one seemed to care since we went through the whole ceremony both times.  

Anyway, I really hope your Future Father-In-Law makes a very speedy recovery.  But if he can’t travel in the next month, it’s nice to have some options. 

Post # 8
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m so sorry!

But, why not have a small private ceremony with his father, and still have the big wedding? I really don’t see any need to cancel anything. You can still do the legal ceremony with his father there, and not cancel the bigger wedding (losing all that money, and ruining people’s travel plans).

Post # 9
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If you can’t have the small, private ceremony he can always be there via web connection. If anyone in your family has a laptop he can have his own seat and watch it live. It may not be the same but it is an alternative to cancelling the venues.

Post # 10
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think that the compromise you suggested sounds like a really good one, despite what your Future Mother-In-Law is pressuring you for! It would be insane chaos to find all new vendors in a two week time span in a new town, and I can’t even imagine the cost, plus, as you said, the inconvenience to your guests, some of whom may have already made travel plans.

I say stick with your guns, get married there in a simple ceremony, and then exchange vows and celebrate at your originally planned ceremony.

Post # 11
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

Why don’t you do double ceremonies? One in your hometown for his folks, and the one you’ve already planned?

Post # 13
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Stevie.Brooks: Excellent suggestion! I was thinking that (worst case, of course), have the wedding as planned and a small exchange of vows in FH’s home town so Future Father-In-Law could be present.

I’m so sorry about all this. I know you are trying to please everyone. Give it a few days and see where you are. You and your FH will work it out, I’m sure. Good luck.


Post # 14
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hi Cliffette, 

Just wanted to say good luck deciding and I really hope your Future Father-In-Law makes a miraculous recovery.  But if you have any more questions, feel free to PM me.  I know it’s a hard situation to be in, but it sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law is making this even more difficult and maybe in the next week or two she’ll realize that what she’s asking is a bit much.  But if you want any suggestions on last-minute wedding planning, I’m happy to help!

Post # 15
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Cliffette, there is one more option. Have your wedding when and where it is planned. And then allow your Future Mother-In-Law to plan a whole big shebang where she is for your FI’s side of the family. Make her responsible for the planning and most importantly the finances. And as long as it doesn’t interfere with the wedding you have planned or your honeymoon, then she can have it.

I don’t think changing your existing plans in your hometown is a viable option no matter how you look at this. Deposits have been paid. Guests have made flight reservations. Not only would you be out a ton of money, so would some of your guests. And that is just not acceptable,

So one of three things could happen. Your Future Father-In-Law could be mobile rendering this all a moot point, you could do a smaller civil ceremony for him and come back and do what you have already planned afterwards, or Future Mother-In-Law can plan and fund a big shebang in her hometown provided it does not in any way interfere with your existing plans. And I recommend if it comes down to one of those last two options, you let her choose.

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