(Closed) I don’t know what to do…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@sadsecretposter: I can honestly tell you I went through something similar.  My Fiance just finished up his masters thesis.  While he was working on it we were constantly fighting.  Now that it’s over with, it seems to be a lot better.  Stress can cause a lot of fights and my Fiance and I have been together for 6 years. 

Post # 19
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I don’t think it’s just your approach, he really needs to step up to the game and learn to communicate, too! but while he’s stressed about so many things, it might be good for you to do things a certain way until he learns that you can be effective communicators. 

you say you’ve been together 7 months, and started fighting around month 2? that doesn’t feel healthy to me… most relationships have a magical honeymoon time when you’re crazy about the other person.  I’d be worried if there were fights that early in any of my relationships.  do you think you might have gotten engaged quickly?  I agree with @Mrs.Argentina and think you might be better off postponing the wedding just so you can continue to work on your communication skills and learn more about one another before you make a lifelong commitment!

(also, I don’t mean to sound like I’m condescending towards short engagements, I’m having a short one myself! I just think you both should be happier if you’re planning on getting married!)

Post # 20
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I saw that you posted about things happening around his thesis– it could definitely be a culprit! I would cut him a little slack while he gets his work done. I think you’re best bet would be to postpone the wedding so he can fully concentrate on his school and so that he can be there for you when you need help planning the wedding later on!

Post # 22
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@sadsecretposter: better to realize it now than when you’ve got the ring on your finger! don’t worry, girl, just take it one day at a time.  he’ll probably be working on the thesis for a while, so perhaps both of you can learn some ways to cope with stress while he’s doing that?  this won’t be the last stressful thing of your lives, so take it as a learning experience!

Post # 23
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@bookworm88: Agree. That’s a lot of major life change at the same time.

Post # 24
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I can relate to this as I’ve been on the opposite side in the situation:

When I met my SO I was doing a master’s degree at university, with 5 months left until the deadline for the thesis. The last two months before the deadline, that is 3 months into our relationship, I was a nervous wreck and I was constantly stressed and on edge. We went through a bit of a rought patch as a result; I would blow things he said out of proportion and cause a fight, and I would feel terrible the next day.

Things got a lot better after I handed in my thesis. Luckily I already had a job so I didn’t have to worry about finishing my thesis AND finding a job.

We still had a few fights in the couple of months after I handed in my thesis. I was going through some bad family problems at the time and I was feeling so depressed. This was also a period where my SO and I were growing closer and we first started discussing a future together, so we also experienced some ‘growing pains’. We learned a lot about each other in that period though, so our relationship was much stronger after the rought patch.

Basically, your FI’s behaviour probably has a lot to do with the stress and pressure he’s feeling right now. All you can do is be supportive and give him space when he needs it. However, it’s not acceptable for him to say that it was so much easier when he was with so-and-so, and similar comments. You need to tell him how it makes you feel when he says things like that.

Also, if he agreed to get rid of things from previous relationships, it’s not fair of him to suddenly be upset with you because of it. If he wasn’t okay with it he should have told you so before.

Post # 25
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree some PP’s, the line: ““he tells me he should have ran from me a long time ago.” is not okay and a big warning sign. Even through disagreements, I know my husband wants to be with me,100%, no matter what. If you aren’t completely sure that your Fiance feels this way, I would seriously look into it or have some major discussions before signing the papers. 

 

Maybe you just need to put the brakes on and explore your relationship a bit longer to see how things unfold before you make an ultimate decision. Forever is a long time!

Post # 26
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

If you guys have only been together for that short period of time, I think it might be best to push back the wedding, let him graduate and get rid of that stress, and just start dating again. Get back to what made you guys fall in love in the first place. There is no reason that you have to rush into marriage, and its best to make sure this is really what you both want before you get married.

Post # 27
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Can I second the idea of postponing the wedding. He has a lot going on right now. This may be just to much stress or it may be that he really isn’t ready for marriage. I would stop wedding planning and go back to dating until he is finished school. Then take the time to explore the relationship. I would also recommend premarital counseling before marriage. If I had done this last time it would have saved me a lot of grief so I recommend it to everyone. But honestly I am worried for you about the things he says. I heard many of them from my ex. I will be praying everything works out. Hugs

Post # 28
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sounds like trust issues. This is what you need to fix. Without trust you cannot make it and you both will be miserable. I suggest you do all you can to work on this issue.

Post # 29
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@sadsecretposter:  It really sounds like you both need and deserve time to let your relationship develop without the pressure of a wedding.  I’m so cautious to say this to someone I don’t know…but trust issues like the ones you describe can be worked-out over time between two people who genuinely care for one another.  There are so many reasons why you might be feeling insecure… his comments, the newness of the relationship, memories of being cheated on in your past (just a guess)… and he doesn’t sound like he’s in a place to work through it kindly.  I agree with pp’s.  For your own best interest, put off the wedding and go back to dating.  Give yourself some room to see what’s really going on and if this is where you really want to be…

Post # 30
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I think PPs gave excellent advice.  It really concerns me that he makes comments that would make you feel insecure.  I realize he is stressed, but he shouldn’t make those types of comments that make you question his love for you.  And you should never have to walk on eggshells around the man you love worried about how he’ll react or what he’ll say (like when you said you are afraid to bring things up with him).  I know you love him, but do you want to be with someone that you can’t talk to and when he’s stressed, he makes you feel bad?  I was engaged before and he said similar things to me.  I am now engaged to someone that always makes me feel loved.  When my FI and I argue, he always tells me he loves me or gives me a hug.   I can be my total, complete self with him and I never question how he feels about me.  He never makes me feel the way my ex did.  I hope that yall will get couples counseling.  Good luck to you!!

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