Post # 1
Hi, bee in hiding here…
My Fiance and I are getting married in a month and a half, and I really don’t know how to handle this situation.
We were having some issues a few months ago and things kind of spiraled out of control, although he has no knowledge of that fact. We got into a huge fight about the wedding and our relationship and it all kind of fell apart. We spent a few nights crying and trying to put everything back together, and we decided to go on with the wedding. But I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
My BFF and I have been super close since college. We lived together and for a while, experimented together. Well, I called her and ended up at her place bawling my eyes out the night Fiance and I got into our huge fight, and we ended up where we started so long ago. She kissed me and well, one thing led to another. We’ve been continuing on like this since the fight, and Fiance doesn’t suspect anything since she’s my BFF and Maid/Matron of Honor. It’s so easy to get out of the house and away from him and spend hours with her. She makes me so happy – she fulfills me in so many ways.
I’m so worried that if I tell Fiance I’ll lose him forever. I’ve spent six years with the man and I love him so much. I just don’t know how to handle all of what’s happening. If I break things off with BFF this time, I’m afraid I’ll lose her too. And I can’t lose my Fiance and my BFF. Not ever. I would just die without them both in my life.
Post # 3
This is cheating, physical and emotional cheating. Man or woman cheating is cheating. In my opinion you no longer have the choice weather you stay with your Fiance or not HE DOES!
You need to tell him everything and he needs to decide whether HE can be with YOU or not! You disrespected him and now he has the choice in how to procede.
You need to tell him NOW!
Post # 4
@FMM: I agree. I personally don’t think thats the person I’d want as my Maid/Matron of Honor either. Awkward..
Post # 5
It’s so easy to get out of the house and away from him and spend hours with her. She makes me so happy – she fulfills me in so many ways.
You may love your Fiance, but it sounds like you’re IN love with your best friend. I think you need to do some soul searching. Honestly, from this post, it sounds like it would kill you more to lose your best friend. I wish you the best of luck.
Post # 6
But we are a month and a half out. We’d loose everything now. We worked so hard to make this happen, I can’t do this now. All of our out of town guests have travel plans booked that aren’t refundable. I’d never be able to look my family in the eyes ever again.
Post # 7
I also agree, this is flat out cheating. Wether you are with a man or woman doesn’t matter, it’s not him. You need to own up and be honest and face the consequences.
Post # 8
He’s not going to be more forgiving or understanding because you are cheating with a female rather than a male. It’s exactly the same as ‘regular’ cheating.
You shouldn’t be getting married, I would think that should be pretty obvious to you. Cancel the wedding, and then decide how you are going to proceed from there.
And if you are worrying about how it will look/cost/etc to your relatives, friends…well, you should have thought that before you jumped into bed with someone else. Looking bad to them is the price you will pay for what you have done.
Post # 9
You need to be honest with him about what’s going on. You are cheating on him. You may want to keep them both in your life but they need to be able to chose as well. Not wanting to lose someone is not a good reason to keep this kind of information from them.
Post # 10
@blacktipcongac: Do you really think it is better to go through a divorce down the line when he does find out??? … and he will find out even if you don’t tell him!
I am sorry that this is hard to hear but you have already ruined everything. How can you stand up and marry him on your wedding day with the person you love standing right next to you and not in front of you?
Do you really think your family will think it’s better for you to go through a divorce within a short time of being married vs. calling it off before it happens?
Post # 11
I agree with PP’s – you cheated on your Fiance, almost husband. And you are continuing to do it. Lies have no place in a marriage. Fighting with your Fiance, and then running into someone elses arms has no place in a marriage. I think most people would understand that a wedding did not take place bc you are not ready to be in a marriage. Please, talk to your Fiance, stop communication with your bff. If she loves you as a friend, she would understand (I promise). You need to get your head in the right place right now, and then deal with matters of the heart.
Post # 12
“And we decided to go on with the wedding. But I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
Go with your gut. And be honest with Fiance.
ETA: I just read your response. Losing everything (wedding wise) IS NOT a reason to get married. You cheated. People won’t always be so kind about that but it happened. It’s time to put on your big girl panties and deal with the consequences. Yes it’s scary to face it all, but it’s the right thing to do.
Post # 13
You CAN do this, people do it all the time- cancel weddings that aren’t right. I guarantee your family and friends would rather see you call off something that isn’t right than see you Divorced in 6 months, which WILL happen I’m sure. Not to mention that this wedding isn’t FOR them it’s for you and your fiancé and you shouldn’t be more concerned with their non refundable plane tickets that his feelings your own needs and future. And I agree it sounds a bit like you are in love with your BFF, not him and that’s important.
Post # 14
I’m not in love with my BFF. I know I don’t want to be with anyone except Fiance for the rest of my life. But she’s been there for me through so much that changing our relationship now would be devastating.
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
I’m so sorry your going through this. I think it is very, very possible that you are in love with your best friend, or that you are bisexual.
The thing about sexual orientation is that its not just who you want to have sex with, its who you want to build a life with.
Could I have sex with men, and physically enjoy it? Yes, and I have. But, I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man if I was paid. I just can’t connect with men emotionally. I can with women though, emotionally and sexually… hence why I’m engaged to a woman.
I think you need to really question whether or not you are straight, gay or bisexual. And if you want to actually be with women, or if this friend is just an easy out of a relationship.
And I see that your not wanting to cancel because of relatives travel plans: bad idea. You want to spend 20 grand getting a divorce, and completely crush your husband and future children when they realize that you aren’t just “friends” with this woman?
I’d suggest some immediate personal counselling sessions and figure out your situation asap. Its only fair to your fiancee, and your friend your fooling around with.
Post # 16
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
@blacktipcongac: Who says she wont be there anymore?
And I think you should be more concerned about losing your fiancee, than loosing some lesbian on the side that is helping you cheat on your fiancee (knowingly!).
You need to get your relationship priorities in line – whats more important? A life with your husband or 20 minutes of satisfaction with the friend?