(Closed) I don’t know what to do

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
673 posts
Busy bee

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@blacktipcongac: Clearly, you’ve never seen a divorce up close and personally. Oh, trust me, it will be more expensive if you have that kind of money to burn on a wedding.

I personally *loved* the situation where my ex-stepdad was having an affair, and found out that the husband of his mistress was about to discover them. When he knew that, he knew he was caught. He maxed out all the credit cards on various crap he wanted after having recently bought a fancy bass boat and new truck. As the primary breadwinner, my mother was stuck with the marriage debts, forced to sell the house to split the profits with him, and he got to keep his truck and boat. While their marriage lasted several years, he went on his spree all in the last year of it. I was 13 when they divorced and she didn’t get over the debts until I was in my late 20s. So, yes, divorce is expensive. It’s also not fair, so don’t think you won’t be taken over the coals even if you make less money or somehow feel entitled to less than whatever the courts stick you with by the end of it. Oh, and remember that legal fees are just piled on top of all of this fun stuff.

You’re more than a month out at this point, so you need to act fast. You may not need to make final payments and you could be let out of some of your contracts where they stand. The longer you wait, the more money you are out.

Post # 63
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@mixtapehearts:  Sorry, but if your definition of ‘good’ can accommodate repeated cheating, the kind of selfishness that values one’s own ‘happiness’ (self-interest, I’d call it) above conducting personal relationships with honesty and integrity, and seriously considering entering a marriage without first coming clean about infidelity and deceit, then In My Humble Opinion it’s lost all meaning in your vocabulary.

ETA: And I didn’t say what I did to be malicious. I said it because she’s in denial and finding ways to rationalize her behavior, but eventually she’s going to have to confront and come to terms with the way she treated her Fiance. The sooner she figures out what kind of life she wants to live and what moral principles matter to her and starts living that way, the better off she and everyone else involved will be.

Post # 64
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@mrssrm:  Good people make mistakes. Of all kinds.

OP – you need to consider postponing your wedding. You should probably take a big step back from both Fiance and BFF for as long as it takes to figure this out. If you don’t, you just get further embroilled in the lies. The only real advise I can offer is that you can’t enter into a marriage carrying so much baggage.

Post # 65
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Is it possible to take some time (even a few days) away from BOTH your Fiance and BFF? Just to kind of clear your head and think about what YOUreally want and what will make YOU happiest and most fulfilled for your entire life. as hard as it is, try to not think about what other people would say either way. I will say from my experience w/ my ex husband, I wish i would have called off teh wedding, or at the very least pushed it back. Had we pushed it back and worked on some major issues, we may still be married  (although I kind of doubt that, but that’s a whole other story). It is SO much easier to call off a wedding or push it back than to go through a divorce. Yeah, it’s probably difficult to explain to your family that the wedding is on hold (even if cancelled, you can word it that way). If you are even pausing the wedding, find the big mouths in your family and have them spread the word that its on hold and to give you some space. Going through my divorce was incredibly difficult (although deciding to leave and leaving my ex was rather easy!). For the record, my last living grandparent told me that I’m going to hell for divorcing my ex. THAT SUCKS. She would have never said that if i called off my wedding.

It sounds like you have a lot of history with both your Fiance and BFF. It’s difficult to think of loosing people who are important to you. How does your Fiance feel after the fighting? Is this the sort of fighting you could see continuing, or was it just stress and being overwhelmed (or something else)?

Post # 66
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@ticatica:  Right. But they also feel remorse for those mistakes. Which is not the same as fearing the consequences. And perhaps OP does, but she certainly hasn’t said anything which would indicate it. Avoiding repercussions is obviously her primary concern.

Post # 67
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee

I think the fact that you’re going to have lunch and discuss everything with your BFF BEFORE your Fiance, shows what your emotional decision is here… Just sayin’.

Post # 68
Member
2852 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Good people do make mistakes. But when they repeat those same mistakes over and over again, knowing that they are likely causing harm to those they “love”, it makes them one of two things: ignorant, or a selfish unfeeling @ss.

Post # 69
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I was also ready to LOSE IT with my Fiance a few mths before the wedding. And he was with me also.

But we didn’t sleep around or ‘experiment’ with anyone.

Having said that, I think you need to put the wedding on hold or at the very least, postpone.

Then try to stop doing things with your Maid/Matron of Honor and start staying true to Fiance. Observe your emotions during these times. And that will answer the question whether you were just having a really ‘out there’ wedding jitter or you really want to be with your Maid/Matron of Honor and vice-versa.

Post # 71
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@mrssrm:  Oh totally, but I don’t think she’s devoid of remorse. I think the overriding emotion is total confusion. If she is in love with BFF, then she probably struggles to feel remorse about what she’s doing with her ..

Post # 72
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MrsPuddingface:  

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@mrssrm:  And I didn’t say what I did to be malicious

But nevertheless it was

Hold your horses you two.  The thread was started by OP to find out what to do.  It is titled “I don’t know what to do.”  You gave your advice on what she should do and now you should probably back away.  Everything else is just extra and it is starting to sound quite judgemental and abrasive.

Post # 73
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

@blacktipcognac

You’re not ready for marriage and/or your Fiance is not the right person. Your Fiance should also be your BFF. 

You need to grow up – seriously.  You’re living a lie and if you go ahead with this marriage, it will be a lie as well.  You’re putting money and pride ahead of your happiness. And this not being able to look your family in the eyes again is a weak excuse.  Your family loves you and doesn’t want you to be unhappy in a marriage that doesn’t suit you. And imagine the shame and heartbreak that will come if you do go ahead and get married and continue cheating on your DH with your BFF – because the truth WILL come out at some point.

Post # 74
Member
5653 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

If you’re happier being in a relationship with this girl, I think you should do what is best and let your Fiance go. You can’t have both of them.

If you are not happier with this girl, you need to tell her your romantic relationship needs to end and then you should come clean to your Fiance.

If you’re not sure, figure it out and DO NOT GET MARRIED until you do.

Post # 75
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@blacktipcongac:  If you’re not in love with her, then stop f’ing her! You are cheating. If he was banging his best friend, how would you feel? Either end it with her and hope he never finds out, or tell him and expect to lose her. Because, honestly, would you blame the poor guy if his condition was to cut contact with her? Also, if she’s gay or bi, you might end up hurting her too. Just because it’s selfish experimentation with you, doesn’t mean she’s on the same page. Just stop. Now.

I have friends who’ve always been there for me, but if they tried to kiss me, they’d get pushed away so fast, their head would spin. You sound like you’re only getting married to keep up appearances. If you want to hurt him, yourself, and everyone else in this situation, then by all means, keep on going the way you are. Keep sailing that ship right into the hurricane.

Post # 76
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

And yes, a divorce can be far more costly. Think of it this way, you’ve spent $50k on the wedding. Even if the divorce costs only $20k, you’ve just paid $70k that you didn’t need to. Also, emotionally, it’s a lot harder (even when it’s what you want) than you would think. 

You are being selfish. You should be telling your friend it’s over, and then telling your fiance what happened. Maybe he’ll be cool about it. Honestly, some men don’t see two women as cheating. Maybe you’ll get lucky. 

Thoug I can tell you from experience, do not introduce another relationship in the mix when the primary relationship is on shaky ground. I won’t go into any detail, but trust me, that is a complete recipe for disaster.

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