(Closed) I don’t know what to do

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@blacktipcongac:   Fiance is out of town on business this week, and I really cannot sleep by myself. 

 

 

…really??

 

i don’t think you are going to find anyone here who thinks you shouldn’t tell your Fiance about what happened.  He deserves to have the opportunity to decide if he is ok with what you’ve done and if he still wants to marry you.

Post # 93
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, saw your update.

Don’t you think you should come clean with your Fiance before the wedding, though?  Sooner or later, he will find out.  And then there will be the consequences of having hidden this, which will only add to the sense of betrayal he may feel.

If he was ok with it when you were in college (and do you believe her, btw?) then he may or may not be ok with it now.  But he still deserves to know.  Otherwise, if you continue to keep it from him, it’s going to haunt you, gnaw at you, and cause your marriage to be nothing more than a lie. 

At least if you tell him you would be giving him the respect he deserves to make his own decision, one way or the other. 

Please try to put yourself in his place, just a little.  You say you love him.  Act like it.

Post # 94
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

why not have your ‘cake’ and eat it too? Guys love the idea of girl on girl action, and a threesome could be the perfect wedding present.

Just imagine you and Fiance and BFF/MOH enjoying a wedding night Larry Flint would be proud to photograph.

 

Post # 95
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

After reading your last two posts, I really, truly hope you are just some bored person playing an internet joke, because that would actually be more believable and less upsetting than a real, live adult acting like this.

You decided to sleep together this week but stop next week because you can’t sleep alone? Ummm, what? You’re a grown woman! Get a body pillow or something.

Divorce doesn’t exist, but you are willing to force your husband into a marriage that is built on lies, cheating, and general disregard for his feelings, and what? hold him hostage in it?

I don’t even know what to say to that train of thougt.

Post # 96
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

Okay – I haven’t read the responses, just what you’ve written, OP.

Here’s my 2c, as someone whose EX husband wanted to call off the wedding but thought, “We’re already too far in” / “We’ve paid so much for this” / etc. The same arguments you’re using.

This won’t go away. Even if you stop now, even if you cut off your relationship with your BFF entirely (which it doesn’t sound like you intend to – and you need to understand that emotional infidelity is worse than physical in many ways), it won’t make this go away.

You will always know what has happened. You’ll always live with the fact that you’re a cheater, and that you cheated on a man who you love. And you know what? If he’s worth loving, then he deserves better than someone who will sleep around because she’s emotional and has poor impulse control. He deserves honesty. He deserves to know what kind of person he is marrying. He deserves to have a choice in this matter. 

You are robbing him of those things.

Marriage takes two people to work. Two people who choose to come into it with all of who they are. It’s not about the fact that you spent $50K on the wedding. This is not about a wedding. This is about marriage.

You wonder how divorce could be more expensive. Give yourself ten years down the road, or twenty or thirty; 10, 20, 30 years of this secret, this hideous lie and betrayal, festering under your skin. It will be just as real that you did this to him 30 years from now as it is today. He will find out. Your BFF might tell him in a jealous rage. You might fall into the pattern of infidelity until you get caught. You might confess after years of guilt. And you know what? You might have kids when it happens. A mortgage. Property together, debt and investments together, a whole life built up together.

And suddenly, all of the trust that he had for you will be gone, because your entire marriage will have been built on a lie. And even if this is the only lie you ever tell him (but it won’t be), he will question EVERYTHING, because suddenly he will see that you were the kind of woman who would betray him and lie to him before the wedding even, and how could he believe anything from that point forward?

Years of broken trust … do you know what it takes to repair that? It’s often not fixable. Attorney fees alone will probably cost more than your wedding, not to mention what he could come after you for in the divorce. In Fault states, adultery entitles a betrayed spouse to quite the settlement.

You are dooming your own marriage with this lie. Weigh carefully whether it is worth it to you.

Post # 98
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Marriage is serious. It’s more than just a big party. It’s about two people that pledge their love, undying loyalty, and to spend the rest of their lives together. To do this you can’t have secrets, cheat, or put someone else (even your parents) before your chosen spouse. I’m really sorry if I sound harsh…I know this must be confusing for you.

This whole situation is unbelievably unfair to your Fiance, he deserves much better than to be lied to for the rest of his life (since that seems to be your plan). How can you have an honest and strong marriage when you’re constantly looking behind your shoulder and everything is built on a lie?

ETA: OP, you posted here for advice and I’m never going to call you a bad person…that’s not the point! This is a sensitive situation and you need to sit down and think long and hard about what YOU want and what would make you happy…BUT you have to think about your Fiance and what’s best for him too. The worst possible thing you could do to that man is continue to lie and make him believe you’re all his.

Post # 99
Member
8735 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Lovebug98:  Not every guy wants another woman in the relationship and if he does it shouldn’t start out as an affair behind his back.

If you are brining someone else into the relationship it should be a decision made by both parties currently in the relationship.

What OP is doing is cheating, the fact that it happens to be with a woman (while her Fiance is male) does not make it anything other than cheating.

Post # 100
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m sorry, but this makes you one of the worst types of people in the world.

I really hope your Fiance finds out really soon so he can find someone who will treat him better.

That is all.

Post # 101
Member
8735 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@blacktipcongac:  You came here for advice and told us your situation.

You asked for input.

You are getting the input you asked for.

Sorry it’s not the validation you wanted to hear.

You are doing an awful thing to your Fiance and if the fight was bad enough to “drive you to cheat” then you shouldn’t be marrying this man.

 

Post # 102
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I feel so awful for your future husband.  And people are telling you you’re a bad person because you chose to put this highly personal story on the internet for all to see.  Don’t want negative feedback?  Don’t post about how you’re a cheater, don’t intend to stop cheating, and don’t intend to be honest with the man you’re allegedly committed to.

Post # 103
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

and if by some strange chance this is true, I loved to fill you in on a real life story. When I was 20, I was the maid of honor in my cousin’s wedding. It was a beautiful night, expensive, 200 guests, etc. Four months down the road, it comes out that she’s been cheating on her husband for the past year with a family member’s cousin (not entering Jerry Springer territory, not related to *her* but the other family member through marriage). Not only that, she put the guy in the wedding party, and had a special dance with him at her wedding. No one talks to her after all this came out, and it’s five years later. She wasted 40K on a wedding, 20K on a divorce, and alienated half of her family and friends because she basically conned her husband into a marriage. A cancelled wedding would have helped her alot more than going through with it.

Post # 105
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@blacktipcongac:  Im sorry but your actions and thought process are vey skewed.. you should seek professional help..

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