Post # 1
Member
46 posts
Newbee
On another site that I frequent a user said this to me, and I found it to be a fantastic analogy of the situation with my self centered, narcissistic, controlling and manipulative SIL (phew, that was a mouthful).
“You need to fight back. Call her out on her antics. If she is an idiot or a brat, get up and leave, no matter where you are or who you are with or for whatever occasion, get up and leave. The family will be pissed at you at first, but once they realize that it is HER who causes the problems, they might toughen up as well. Think of her and her manipulative ways as dirt in a door mat. You cannot see the dirt because it is embedded in the rug. But once you pick up that rug and shake it out, there is dirt and dust all over the place for everyone to see. No one wants to clean up that mess and they wish you would just have left well enough alone because now the dirt is out in the open for everyone to see and deal with. The dirt is your sister-in-law and her antics. Everyone is used to it and have catered their lives around her which allows her to get away with it even still.“
I wrote about how everything must go her way and she must always be the center of attention and this really stained the air for my husband and my wedding due to her behavior. She couldn’t get her way so she was a little you-know-what.
Even though that is only a fragment of the story (I wrote about it here in an earlier thread actually) I don’t know how strong I am to finally react. And let me tell you, the killing her with kindness thing has gotten me NOWHERE.
I think the main reason I fear standing up to her is because she has SOOOO many friends– how is this so? She just compliments and gifts people into liking her, then acts like paris hilton as if she is a celebrity. Everyone fawns over her, I’ve never met anyone with that power over people. How is this possible when she acts the way that she does?? Would anyone believe me if I were to finally react?
I don’t know how to put this, but I would really be mortified if anyone said “OH, you’re just jealous.” as she is so well liked and looks nice, and I am suddenly to go against the grain. I have to be honest here– I could never be jealous of her but for some reason I worry that would be the reaction and then nobody would ever believe me and I’d look like a fool. But if the writing is on the wall, how would that happen? It’s like she has everyone under a spell.
I feel like she has an army and I’m am one alone. My husband sees but he is not at the point to stand up for me. So it is like torture.
Any advice for me?
Post # 3
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
She’s going to be in your life forever so really its now or never for you to take a stand. Your FH really needs to talk to her about that. If he’s not “at the point to stand up for you” he needs to get there fast.
Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
You need to discuss this with your husband, and get him on your side. Honestly, if he can’t stick up for his WIFE, then I really can’t see you guys being together forever. A husband and wife are a team, and stand united (unless the spouse is really wrong, but you aren’t, she is!). You need to tell him he has to have your back, or you just don’t see how this can work, and forget about having kids with him, if he can’t defend you when you’ve done nothing wrong. Sorry you are going through this 🙁
Post # 5
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
Fiance’s middle sister is very similar….
she refuses to interact with him and thinks we are both “dead to her”…
she has a huge complex about how he was such a disapointing big brother and how he should have ‘protected her” more? it is all very irrational… but honestly we have tried and tried and tried to get past this with her and she just wont budge…
so prepare to try and fail at least a few times.. good luck hun!
Post # 6
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant
You could be describing my sister-in-law, actually, and I called her out on her behavior. To get back at me, she completely ruined my wedding and turned everyone against us. We haven’t heard from my husband’s family since our wedding nearly a year ago. For us, we’re fine and we’re moving on, though it’s difficult and not the outcome we wanted. If you do call her out, I say just be prepared to deal with the consequences. Try everything you can to deal with the situation before you go to extremes.
I know how much it sucks. I don’t exactly regret what I did because she would have made our lives miserable anyway, but it’s definitely not the outcome that a lot of people would ever wish for.
Post # 7
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee
I think you will seem jealous. If you husband will not stand up for you it makes me wonder if he is just telling you he sees it so you don’t get mad at him.
I think you need to just to let it go and distance yourself as much as possible
Post # 8
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
I had a VERY similar situation in the past (previous marriage) I DO NOT recomend standing up to her. This is what I did, it back fired on me VERY badly. Remember no matter what anyone in the family may say SHE is family and you are the new comer. All of my ex-in -laws said to my face how the agreed she was mean / horrible / nasty etc. but in the end this was their sister /daughter / neice etc. I wasn’t. Be careful. When I stood up to her finally after years of abusive behavior (she let her 3 year old daughter grab a handful of my wedding cake before we had even cut it, then told everyone “well what could I do she is only three”) (she also had her daughter who was the flower girl wearing white, play in the flower beds in the garden before the wedding so her dress had big dirt marks all over the front as she walked down the aisle)Well when i stood up to her, the entire family woould have nothing to do with me. They all said they were shocked at my cruel behavior and that this was a side of me that they didn’t know existed. I had no support from anyone but my Husband but he was afraid to do anything for fear they would turn on him also. I would say as difficult as it is going to be, you best plan of action is to let it go. People will see her for who she is and you will look like the angel. Walk away when she gets nasty and be the better person. If his family doesn’t see that you are being the adult and she is being a B****. They won’t see if any different if you lash out at her. Good luck!
Post # 9
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
@sarahmay85: Take your stand as you can
Post # 10
Member
46 posts
Newbee
Thanks so much for words and advice, I really appreciate it
I would like to talk to my husband again about it but it is hard as it causes arguments. I would rather call it as it comes from now on, though it does nothing to help the way I feel.
I wish I had my his support, I think if I did I wouldn’t worry or feel so bad but since I do not it feels like a constant battle. I told him before, all he has to do is say “I love you but you’re wrong” in regards to her behavior around the wedding- whether he ever said that I do not know. Another thing that is upsetting is that feeling in my gut of someone being so cruel and just kind of getting away with it. I don’t know what would be the opposite, maybe someone scolding her or hell even ME doing that but of course I think if I did that at the wedding it would just make things worse. Now that it is over it feels like wow what else could she sour? I think that’s it, now it’s time to respond.Next time she has her nose in the air I’ll just come right out and ask her “Why do you have this look on your face like something stinks?” On the flip side though, she will often act overly nice in order to manipulate or laugh behind the person’s back which is harder to describe, but I would love to say I would believe her if only she weren’t such a phony. That would be exactly where I would begin speaking up if not for specific events
Post # 11
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
Hugs and please remember, as a testiment to all the other stories (including Mrs Socks!) that there is no shortage of drama queen SIL’s out there….we are all in this together.
I to am suffering from a bratty Future Sister-In-Law, the insults she makes about my FH, the schemes to get herself front and centre and the manipulation of the family members has been all too much.
Take solace in knowing that you don’t have to have a thousand friends around you to brainwash to be your friends. This girl is a lonely mess on the inside, you know it.
Post # 12
Member
46 posts
Newbee
Thanks again I appreciate it. wow, 2 weeks after this post apparently, I am still just as annoyed I think. I don’t think I will be able to get past this until I stand up to her. But the thing is, I don’t exactly want to be around her, and thankfully lately there is no reason to bring me to that place. I know the last time I saw her was our wedding but I am starting to wish I didn’t kiss her behind with being nice. I hope that was still the best way to handle it at the time.
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