(Closed) I don’t know what to do about my stepdad’s continual verbal abuse.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m sorry – I am going through a similar situation only it is my Future Father-In-Law who is verbally abusive – he calls my Fiance and I lazy and bad parents…most recently because my stepson’s mom decided friday night that she wasn’t going to take him that night and we asked Future Father-In-Law to babysit since it was our anniversary. Yet he can get drunk while babysitting and that is just fine. BLAH to annoying men who act 5!

Post # 5
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

You really need to get out of that my dear. While my step-father, who legally adopted me because I also don’t have a relationship with my real father, has never been verbally abusive to me (at least without retaliation), he is very similar to yours in that self-centered, self-serving way, and anybody else is garbage. He’s incapable of making decisions in the best interest of others without evaluating how it will positively affect him and it will never change.

Luckily my mom grew the balls on day when his poor decisions had came back to haunt him and threatened him with legal actions, and they divorced in 2008.

While he is still in my little brother’s life as he is his father, I have since moved out, and ceased contact with him for the last 6 weeks.

Have you talked about moving in with Mr. Fish? If he’s living at home, perhaps you could talk with his family as well. My SO’s family knew my situation and when my family moved out I had the option of moving in with him. (Granted I had already practically been living there since I was 18 and we were looking for a house at the time, but still…)

While I agree that standing up for yourself could cause a rift in between your family, I think that it is very improtant that you stand up for yourself anyways. You don’t have to be rude, but you do have the right to say that you don’t appreciate the way someone is talking to you, and he is being extremely disrespectful with the names he is calling you.

Unfortunately from experience I know that it is very hard on a family when this happens, and you just have to be strong for yourself. Your mother feels very beaten down and trapped just as you do, but you can get out easier than she can. And when your brothers and sisters get older, they too will be able to make a choice.

I know that this is all very vague, but if you ever need to talk about it, feel free to PM me because I know how hard it can be.

Post # 6
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Wow, that sounds like a very bad situation. not only for you but for your monther and brothers and sisters. They might not be the brunt of his attacks now, but they see it happening to you. Can you move out? or have a plan to move out? Can you live on campus? Can you check out campas counsiling, maybe your mother can go with you to understand your point of view, if he does this all the time then maybe you can convince him to go to counsiling as well? He has a problem.

I’m sorry you are going through this… stay strong!

Post # 7
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Oh…honey I’m sorry. I understand completely, my father is also verbally abusive-the only difference is my mom gets it much more then us kids as she oven steps in the middle if he gets in our face. I understand not arguing with him/standing up for yourself-I’m at that point too with my father…in my eyes you cant argue with irrational. No matter what you say he will never see it your way and you just end up ratching up the abuse. Is is possible for you just to remove yourself from the situation so you dont have to deal with the abuse? Thats what I have ended up doing-its not a healthy environment so I try to limit how much I’m around it. I’m here when ever you need to talk-PM me 🙂

Post # 9
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree entirely with sleepingbeauty. I’ve been in an extremely similar situation, and when I stood up for myself at 19, my mother did too, and now my family is a much more happy and functional unit, and my father’s not in it. Mr. Fish sounds very supportive of you, and I hope that you can find a way to stand up for yourself and stop being hurt.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I have an idea where you’re coming from and how it can feel. *hugs*

Post # 12
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

@Miss Fish – I know that you are worried about your family, it is a completely valid concern. It’s a very sticky situation to say the least.

You are the oldest child so you feel an obligation to your mom and siblings to carry the burden for the sake of the family, but it is not one for you to carry. I know that this is hard to understand, but in this instance I think that it is best to lead by example instead of sacrifice yourself for the sake of everyone else.

After my mom left, which she only did because she thought my step-dad would be convicted and loose our home, she and I fought like cats and dogs while she literally had a manic break down. For so long she had been under so much stress that she had lost herself and became irrational.

Short story – she moved out in a September, and my step-father had a new, live-in girlfriend by Thanksgiving. He did this while asking my step-brother and I not to tell my mother and while he was still telling my mother he loved her. She found out and we fought because she said it was my duty to have told her.

I say this to you because while it is best for you and everyone else to get out – it won’t be easy. Your family will feel a little warped for a time, but it will get easier. My mother and I are back to our inseparable connection, and we look back at that time as a learning experience. But if I wasn’t brutally honest with her during that time frame, it would’ve been a terrible loss.

Post # 14
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Miss Fish:I’m so sorry. I don’t really have words of encouragement because when family is so involved, it’s so hard to make the decisions you know are needed and right. No one should have to deal with people like your step-dad. I had my share of years with a man like that. I’m no help, but wanted to say I’m here if you ever need to vent. Feel free to PM anytime. Honestly.

Post # 15
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, you last example sounds like your step-father and my father are twins. Only there for the ‘show’ of it, and a complete jerk behind the scenes.

Ours was a pretty drastic blow out, but it came down to me walking out of the house and telling my mom that as much as I love her and my siblings, they’d be coming to visit me because I would no longer be going to any house with him in it. A situation like that is not a home, it’s unhealthy. That’s what it took for her to realize that her kids could clearly see what was going on, and that her children were worth more to her than just trying to keep the waters calm.

No matter what you do, Miss Fish, please see if you can chat with a counselor through school or a religion (if you practice). Just being able to talk through your frustrations and the burden you feel can help a lot. And even if you decide not to shake up the situation at home, this type of discussion with a professional can benefit your relationship with Mr. Fish, both presently and down the line when things that bother you come up and you don’t even realize it.

Post # 16
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think you should talk to an expert in this. What he’s doing is ABSOLUTELY abuse, including the fact that he’s making you feel responsible for what would happen to the family if you protected yourself.

I know it’s not physical violence, but it is still abuse, and the people at http://www.thehotline.org/ can help talk you through the situation. The phone number is

1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

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