(Closed) I don't know what to do any more

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

You’re not alone with this: my sister is also a bitch too (but she’s younger). She also has some sort of undiagnosed depression/anger management issues and that’s so strange because what you said about your sister flipping out is the exact same with mine! She also does it in front of people and accuses me of being a bitch and we also argued once on the way to a funeral! So yeah, my sis is a bitch too and I totally get where you’re coming from and how hard it is!

That said, my sis is still a Bridesmaid or Best Man coz she’s nice half the time and it would have devastated her not to be included. She’s still completely self absorbed and never asks about the wedding, but you know what: over the years I’m learning to take distance from her, be nice to her when she wants to be nice to me, avoid her in her psycho-bitch phases, not argue with her (coz it’s just not worth it) and not expect anything from her. And I still love her, coz in the end I’d rather have her with us then not.

I’m sorry, I guess I’m not a lot of help but I wanted you to know that you’re not alone and these are some of the ways I deal with my sister (sometimes not successful, but working okay atm). Hugs!

Post # 4
2889 posts
Sugar bee

After reading that whole story, I think I would take some distance from bothe T and E. I don’t think you should make a big deal about excluding them from your life or even let thm eknow but just stop trying for a bit. If they reach out to you and invite you to participate in something you feel could easily go downhill, decline. Wait until Christmas and maybe the time apart will help with the relationship as it seems to have eased tension in the past. I don’t believe you can ever remove your family but I also don’T belive your sister has to be your best freind. 

On a related note, you mentioned a twin brother but never talk about him further. Do you have a good relationship with him? Do E and T treat him differnetly?

Spend your time and energy with people who make you happy and make them happy.

Post # 5
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with the other posters. First, you need to rise above all the BS. Stop participating in the arguments and stop replying to the mean text messages. Everyone that knows all three of you knows who is really the problem. So you don’t need to explain yourself or be embarrassed.

I also agree that if she wants to be nice, be nice with her. She starts acting crazy, then you gotta go. Get off the phone, leave the location, whatever you have to do to get out from around her.

Never feel obligated to explain yourself, rebutt a statement or reply to either sister. 

But let me tell you something, they start invading your space, you need to speak up. When she was kicking your chair, you should have told her to stop kicking the chair–until she stopped.

That’s the some of the most immature crap I’ve ever heard of. Is she an adult doing this? kicking chairs?

You might also need the help of your mothers and other family members. You might need to ask them to be netrual, but not to stand for anyone talking bad about each other. So if stepmother overhears T&E talking bad about you, step mother needs to put a stop to it. If Mother is around while E is talking bad about you, then mother needs to say she doesn’t want to hear it and E needs to behave like an adult.

I would not have this girl in my wedding. She obviously can’t handle herself in public and she doesn’t care if she embarrasses you or her. She proved that at the funeral. So no way would have her at my wedding. I’d tell her that if she wants to be there, then she’d better start proving she can be nice and a good sister to you or else no way in hell. And if she acts up at the wedding, I’d already have someone assigned to tossing out and keeping her out. 

As far as T is concerned, I’d tell her “Stay out of it,” whenever she had anything AT ALL to say. Just keep repeating, “Stay out of it” until she shuts up. Don’t explain yourself. don’t defend yourself. only say, “Stay out of it. It doesn’t concern you. It has nothing to do with you. You are not involved in this. Stay out of it. Mind your own business.”

ETA–and the answer is no, you won’t have dream relationships with your sisters. NO ONE does. that’s very rare. What you can do is treasure the relationships with the sisters who act like human beings. 

Post # 7
7689 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have 3 siblings.  One I haven’t been in contact with since a month after my mother’s death.  He bullied verbally me many times in my life and clearly has anger management issues.  He screamed at me and wouldn’t stop -just 20 minutes prior to my mom’s funeral.  It was over a very, very simple misunderstanding, something that I didn’t even do, and something that was easily remedied.  I invited him to a family event of mine one month later-where he apparently complained about it in order to embarrass me?? to other close family members who had enjoyed the event and were happy they came.  My mom always wanted us to stay close, but I decided at that point that I had had enough grief and heartache and that my deceased parents would not expect me to put up with his continued bullying.  I do miss the child that he was, but I don’t miss the adult he has become.  I am much happier and relieved to not have his and his wife’s presence in my life or that of my immediate family.  I do continue to pray for him, and I do feel sorry for him though, because he has not valued family.  I don’t think he really knows how to love others, and I think he will eventually end up a lonely and bitter old man.

Post # 10
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

OMG, I can’t believe you want this girl to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. If you do that and she craps on your day, you have no one to blame but yourself.

You need to stop taking blame and responsiblity for her behavior. She needs to learn the consequences of her behavior. If you reward her for being shitty, then she’ll keep being shitty.

And it’s not your fault if people see you as more mature. Do not accept any condemnation for that. You earned it. Do not let yourself feel bad because you actually have yourself together. And tell your family if they got a problem with what E says, then they need to tell E–not you. From now on, you don’t want to hear the BS that E says second hand. That’s hearsay. So tell them you are done with the hearsay, and if E wants to tell you her feelings, she can do it herself. Otherwise, if they don’t like what E says, they need to tell E to her face, not to you, because it’s causing too much stress between you and E.

I still can’t believe you want to make someone who makes your life miserable your Maid/Matron of Honor above others who actually treat you with love and respect. Please don’t hurt someone else who actually has your best interest at heart by not choosing them AND by forcing them watch while E destroys your day. I would keep that crazy bitch so far from my wedding. Excuse my french, but I would. 

When she screws up your parties and your big day, she’ll additionally be embarrassing your Fiance in front of his family. So don’t let her do that on your wedding day. Seriously. 

Post # 11
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Next time someone comes to you with something your sister said about you I would ask what the said/did in reply. If the answer is nothing, ask them why they think relaying hurtful things without standing up for you is at all helpful. With the way you describe your sister I think it would probably take concerted action from many people in her life to get her to get help for what seems to be fairly obvious mental problems. Other than that I don’t really have a lot of sibling advice because I’m an only child.

ETA If this relationship was a friend of yours or a SO I think everyone on the bee would be telling you to run from such an abusive realtionship. Just because she is family, it does not give her the right to be abusive.

Post # 14
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@HelpMeObeeOne:  E is a bit harder. Because she doesn’t think her flip outs on me are that bad. Like yesterday, I was traveling and was in Minnieapolis alone for the day. I decided to take the LRT there, and went to the Mall of America by myself. She called me, and send me a facebook message, like nothing had happened, worried about my well being. She acted like we had left off before the whole flip out at the funeral happened. This is why it’s so hard for me to cut her out- because two days after basically accusing me of being an awful person, she’s calling me to make sure I’m ok, sending me funny things on Facebook, and back to being my friend. It’s so unfair to me that I never know which side of my sister I’m going to see.

This is insanity. Then you tell her–when she’s acting like nothing’s wrong–that something IS wrong, and you’re still upset about how she treated you. How in the world do you let her moods dictate your feelings? Do you know that why she does this? Because you let her get away with it.

And let me tell you. Putting up with her behavior is NOT helping her to cope in the real world. She’s gonna pull the crap on the wrong people one day and get herself really hurt. It’s better she learns how to behave within the family than to have people who care nothing for her teach her a lesson the hard way.

And if I were you, I wouldn’t be worried about which side of my sister I was gonna see. If she acts like a fool, do not put up with it or with her. Period. Stop stressing about how to put up with her.

My niece acts like you. she always worries about somebody else’s feelings. I tell her all the time–“Who is the person that has to be the most comfortable in your world?” and she answers very meekly, “Me.” and then I ask, “Who do you have to live inside and be happy for and with each day of your life?” and again she says me. Then I tell her, “So looks like you need to tell these kids to stop doing x, y, z because you dont like it.” I always ask her what is the point of her sitting around being uncomfortable just so someone else can be comfortable? Does she not matter just as much as they do? And this is how she’s learned to speak up for herself.

You need to learn this, too. So I ask you, who in your life needs to be happy and comfortable? What good is it for your to always be unhappy or on edge? I think you need to speak up and stop letting E run your emotional wellbeing. Seriously. You don’t have to stay mad at her, but when she does something, call her ass out on it and get out from around her. Then if she wants to act like it didn’t happen later on, that’s fine, because you already called her on her crap when she did it.

Don’t go looking for apologizes and long talks about feelings. Treat just as I would treat my dogs.  When my huskies do bad, I sharply say their names and say “No!” or stop it. or leave it, or whatever it is. They get all startled, but they obey. Then we move right along as if it didn’t happen. You might have to do her like that.

Say she starts talking bad about you. Cut her off and say, “You need to watch your mouth and stop disrespecting me.” Then keep talking. If you have to say it again, then warn her if she keeps it up, you’re done talking to her until she can talk respectfully. And then stop talking to her until she talks respectfully.

You gotta train her in order to get the responses you want. But you’ve also GOT to stand up for yourself. If you don’t stand up for yourself, who in the world will?

Post # 16
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Important to remember that bitches aren’t just bitches to people outside their family, or their circle of friends. Bitches are just bitches. And your sister is definitely one.

What shocks me is the total exclusion in your story of any mention of your mother’s reaction. At what point during the car trip did your mom turn around and tell E to stop being hateful and get her act together? Sounds to me like E and T are able to be nasty to you because you’re really the only one objecting to it.

Talk to your parents frankly and openly about how you feel. Tell them that despite all your effots with your sister and step-sister, they are hateful bullies to you and you need some back up. 

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